Attention library patrons:
We are thrilled to announce that several changes are underway to rid your public library of “illegal DEI” practices. Our enthusiastic rejection of the “American” Library Association guidelines will be celebrated through these new policies:
- The “Diverse Discussions” book club will be renamed “Not Woke Folk (Tales).” The book club previously known as “Book Winos” will now be “Book Club 1.” The mid-month group “Teens Get Lit“ will now be “Book Club: Folie à Deux.” Readings will be selected from a canon of 15th–19th century male writers that promote the accepted gender and racial stereotypes of their time.
- Librarians will no longer favor writers of color by referring to their books by “title” and “author.” We reject all false impressions of having personal opinions by refusing to:
- (a) display books,
- (b) confirm or deny that we’ve read specific books, and/or
- (c) read books in public or private with outward-facing covers.
- As has been pointed out, today’s white men do indeed write books, too. We errantly believed this demographic was represented by the “Political Thrillers” display and 80 percent of our materials, and we humbly admit our mistake. Four hundred copies of James Patterson’s novels will now be purchased instead of the traditional three, starting with his forthcoming summer releases titled, A Woman Murdered in June, A Woman Murdered in July, and A Woman Murdered in August.
- Monthly book displays will now focus on America’s 250th anniversary. Explore Future US States in the travel section, Books Better in English in the foreign language corner, and Five-Spice Propaganda in the cookbook nook.
- Preteen males will no longer be forced to encounter mature and biased feminine concepts like “monthly periods” and “consent.” All books from the youth room that mention girls’ bodies will be moved to adult nonfiction.
- Illustrated women are not exempt. Parents can now bring their children to the human sexuality section for titles like American Girl’s How to Get a Job with Your Legs, Minnie Mouse Stays Silent and Cute, and Fancy Nancy Joins a Government Brothel. You will find them next to the reference text Penises and Vaginas, where they belong.
- On an unrelated note, we ask all adult men to stop watching porn on our computers and on their phones while in any part of the library.
- Picture books with ambiguous sexual beings and situations are under review. One such book does not mention the main character’s suspiciously short hair length as being unusual for a traditional girl-child, nor does the author flatly deny such hair as a symbol of the child’s sexual leanings. We have contacted the publisher demanding to know if this illustrated kindergartener is gay or straight. Either way, the book will be removed.
- All children’s books depicting bestiality, extreme sexual situations, and overt violence will be extracted from the Toddler Corner and burned, along with any adjacent, contaminated stuffed animals. Some may argue that these materials do not exist, but we will scrub the entire inventory of picture books to be certain. Those featuring LGBTQ+ characters will receive extra scrutiny given their . . . proclivities. We must protect the children from the likes of Bert and Ernie.
- Speaking of proclivities, the staff unanimously suggests, but cannot require, that patrons stop:
- Insisting that librarians accompany them to the bathroom or outside the building,
- Asking to speak to a man when an employee who is a woman approaches to help with technology problems, or
- Expecting that the answer to “Can I ask you a personal question?” will be anything other than “no.”
Questions? Comments? Too bad. Your diverse opinions will not be equally included in this process, as that is now illegal.
Finally, please note that our building is currently for sale due to loss of funding.
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Rumpus original art by Natalie Peeples
