I
El Volcán de Fuego putting up smoke today he is happy at least thats what locals tell me theyre not scared—I just dont want to refracture my ankle on these cobblestones—sidewalks of Antigua only one person wide so I always step off to let others pass especially older women tho you cant avoid the tourists half the population or expats which makes me wonder if I too could live here tho I dont think I/d speak much spanish or speak much at all since all I do anywhere is hang out in cafes read books—español o inglés no importa—or take a yoga class which are en inglés mostly except the occasional plancha—the one tour I took to Volcán Pacaya the roads were horrible curvy with a bad driver driving so I yakked al lado del camino—if I/m going to see the rest of Guatemala I/ll need to drive myself—not sure expats really leave the city nor how they survive besides being rich from stocks or bitcoin or work half the year like me—cheaper to live here than en los Estados Unidos tho maybe not better but I/ve explored the nine streets by five avenues mostly walled off—all the bigger buildings hotel restaurantes have courtyards which I like but you dont know whats inside from the outside you just have to take a chance—you can always turn around but to hang out you have to pay something even if a té verde tho theyll let you stay as long as you want (if youre a güero)—until a group of americanos arrive you have to leave in embarrassment.
II
El Volcán de Agua está al sur as a landmark usually topped en nubes watching quietly as we walk exploring edges where coffee grows or aguacates—land of the greenbellies no blood avocados here tho dont go to La Ciudad de Gautemala—Antigua a protected island for white tourists to be free—plenty of guatemaltecos come here too maybe more for churches y Semana Santa but UNESCO World Heritage Site nonetheless—find a café w/una terraza + view of the hill—Cerro de la Cruz to the north under construction right now but you can still hike up a little into the trees watching clouds move in w/cool wind—annoying people here too w/annoying dogs allowed inside—la música tends to be americana or anyways en inglés—oontz oontz of electronic dance music never far—música en vivo exists tho hard to track down + sometimes super late—you cant forget yr otherness acá + many toursts thrive in it wearing shorts + sandals like its Hawai’i + it is warmer than up north in january—when I was 22 in Guanajuato Mejico one time an abuela tried to hit me w/her cane because I was in shorts at a religous festival but guatemalans take it all todo tranquilo maybe w/some pride—even I still take yoga classes w/all the other extranjeros.
III
friday night todo el mundo está en las calles—everybody always in the streets anyways but especialmente now—get lost en el mercado where you can buy anything avocados to bras—meander around the block surrounding la plaza—you can rent a boîte sell beer + liquor + call it a bar—all you need is a loud stereo system + some stools—avoid american chain restaurants yes even Starbucks tho nice building w/pleasant courtyard—instead get green tea at one of the national imitations—starbucksization of the world but at least some locals here—glowing lights of Santa Maria de Jesús pueblo up on Volcán de Agua where three or four evangalist churches are full + loud—catholics seem to be clustered in the bigger cities theyve lost los indios—really freak people out pull out El Anticristo por Nietzsche—poor Nietzsche sacrificed to the nazis by his sister—poor Merica sending 120 billion dólares to ukranian nazis—everyone thinking we/re good guys + russia bad—poor regular non-nazi ukranians caught in a proxy war—poor guatemalans caught en un golpe de estado in the 50s manufactured by CIA + Sigmund Freud’s nephew for United Fruit causing a civil war + todays pandillas + exodus al norte tho my guide at Pacaya said he/s tried four times to cross the border—just to Mejico—sin éxito but much danger + little hope which Nietzsche says is a weakness anyways + I have none right now.
IV
con suerte you might be staying en una casa con Lorena singing at the Panza Verde tonight con un guitarista—order stir fry + gintonic + enjoy in the courtyard—she/ll for sure sing Quizás Quizás Quizás which is my life—Antigua more fun when you spend money—ni idea de cuánto estoy gastando pero vale—ahora es Bésame Mucho como si fuera por la última vez which is what everyone wants to do in a strange city b/c it might probably be true y eso es mejor—you dont have to spend more than a couple weeks w/them so you can always remember romance which always disappears—what all the expats are really hoping for plus cheap rent—cheaper for me to live here than back in Salem Oregon including plane ticket—maybe I could move here + start a band—only blues band in Guatemala—ahora Lorena canta Blue Bayou en español: Agua Azul—my table next to a blue pool from colonial times not sure if it was the water supply or a bath but scared of dropping my cuaderno en el agua losing todo—además there is always the risk of not being able to read my handwriting which maybe seems antigua porque todo el mundo tiene un móvil all the young people looking at screens just like in Merican Empire which Guatemala is basically a part of tho they might deny it unless the dream of Simón Bolívar can be realized.
V
Antigua buildings built in colonial times—we/re still in colonial times no hay un postcolonialismo just new bosses—ruinas everywhere from 17 earthquakes—Volcán Pacaya erupted last year I saw the lava bed almost took out a pueblo but no one seems concerned—point of being an expat is believing youre outside empire when you are just part of the colonialization—that said—who wouldnt like a Guatemalan girlfriend? we could be erotic others to each other tho dirty talk w/someone who speaks yr lengua hottest—is that some woman looking at you? tho she/s w/a man? tho he seems to be one of those annoying ones who talk all the time + dont worship her—she/s not even americana—mexicana or española but nothing is going to happen anyways it/s time to go to some other bar w/Lorena who has invited you out w/friends not sure how serious but why not on a friday night nothing else to do—youve jacked off twice today already rereading El infinito en la palma de la mano by Gioconda Belli a novel which deserves Saramago-size acclaim—what can you do to write a novel like that which wrestles w/the gods in a Garden of Eden.
VI
+ you may ask yrself is Lorena interested? or did she invite you to go to another bar to be polite? or friendly? probably friendly? so go anyways at least get her there safely in her high heels over cobblestones where the owner/bartender is an italian guy named Titi—as he says not to be mistaken for titty—who/s lived all over the world but now here 12 years making it w/this small relatively tranquilo bar w/good music—one of the rules being if you order a drink you can request a song—Lorena leaves almost immediately or steps outside to talk to this dude who Titi says may be a bf or a wannabe bf not clear even to him—but you are alone in a bar somewhere in Antigua so you request Guns of Brixton except its not the Clash version but Jimmy Cliff which is more latino + therefore more perfect somehow but you dont belong here + this is expat life—somehow maybe 20 years ago Antigua would have been a possiblity b/c you never did take the risk to live in a spanishspeaking town—never sure it was possible so did two or three month stints so they were just vacations tho still hooked up sometimes—eurofriend women never to talk to again stupidly when they may have actually been the perfect girlfriends—so you leave the bar hoping yr bearings are correct looking for Volcán de Agua/s shadow in the dark—Titi even invites you to come back which is amable—you walk neardeserted streets alone as always.
VII
el dueño de Antigua Books es americano w/guatemalan wife has lived here four years owned the store for three still has Merican citizenship but somehow makes it—says he just has to take a bus to Mejico every six months cross the border come back he/s good for another six or maybe its three but says its easy to live here tho maybe his wife actually owns the place? in any case seems happy like everyone who has lived here a while—stock up on books in spanish while here—more Gioconda Belli + a novel + short stories of lost people by Mario Benedetti tho I/ll probably never get to Nicaragua nor Uruguay—hoping my suitcase wont be too heavy to do the carry-on trick—check it at the gate free instead of pay $30 so already thinking about leaving instead of some last cool thing to do—Volcán de Fuego really putting up smoke today so I guess really happy—unclear if happy con nosotros or happy en general—like happy to rain ash on us like Pompei? Antigua surrounded by volcanos in the caldera of a volcán antiguo itself—w/lava would be a lake of fire—sunny day w/small busloads of tourists up from the cruise ship coast tho they dont ever get to more authentic jade shops to the west but la plaza teeming el mercado teeming the mind teeming—time for a siesta which actually doesnt seem prevalent here as opposed to Mejico or España because everyone who lives here just works all day I guess driven by coffee.
VIII
horror of a saturday night super sábado en la plaza hiding in the starbucksian café because open to the street but w/a gate keeping out street venders—watching a group of americanos clustered outside on the sidewalk grabbing Wendys dinner bags their guide has bought—afraid to leave security to explore on their own—scared of brown people—if it were my group I/d say ok you got two hours see you back here but of course someone would get lost + we/d lose time—keep the sheep together—just embarrasses me this is some peoples tourist experience—go to another country only interact w/other americanos—Nietzsche/s shame of contemporary man (+ women) 130 years later—but uncertainty that I/m not much different watching from my table—expats at least make the effort to really live here tho do they? meanwhile guatemalan tourists from the pueblos + Guatemala City ignore the güeros to enjoy Antigua in their way(s): more churches less bars w/McDonalds a treat for them—most interesting the parejas out for citas of coffee + nibbles maybe b/c they dont have a place of their own to Netflix + chill but everyone truly enjoying the gathering of people especially after these last two or three years when Antigua too was cerrada—lies of the Merican Empire reached here—some folks still even w/masquarillas outside—masquarilla masquerade I/m more scared of la vacuna—even more scared of plans the rich have for us in the future—farmland being bought up by Bill Gates to control food supply—tho here all fruit + veggies en el mercado local.
IX
I thought I saw my old truck parked on the street—green 1994 Toyota cuatro por cuatro I sold ten years ago to a guatemalan guy in Portland who said that was his gig—buying pickups (solamente Toyotas) driving them down to sell here—seems raro since theyre expensive in Merica even used—hadnt even remembered that the guy was guatemalan until I saw it just now but didnt stop to verify on my way somewhere tho not sure where since I dont even have much to do here at all y hay muchas 1994 Toyotas verdes en el mundo but I/d be glad if it were—that the guy wasnt lying + didnt actually sell it to Al Quaeda in Syria even tho Merican Empire now supports Al Quaeda in Syria—I/d be happiest if it went to anarchist Kurds in the north instead who outlived their usefulness to our government + mainstream media—but supporting terrorists + nazis makes you a terrorist + nazi Merica—nothing new—guatemalans couldve told us that even tho locals I/ve asked about the US CIA + United Fruit stay silent—one guy warned me someone is always watching—another local woman told me she doesnt want to vote for any of 10 parties in the upcoming national election theyre all corrupt which sounds familiar—Jesus challenged the authority of the Jewish church as Nietzshe says but he didnt dare say anything against the romans + Pilate thought him an idiot—centuries later when the romans became christians the empire collapsed tho could have just been lead in pipes which sounds like Flint Michigan—my point being will Merican Empire collapse before it destroys us all.
X
not that guatemalans cant be assholes or annoying or even dumb or racist like the family here in this café showing each other videos on their phones which everyone can hear whether we want to or not or my landlady who was a nanny for Steven Seagal who to show me that his wife was chinese pulled her eyes back (she/s actually mongolian)—that is to say theyre human all too human—I just feel apart from them but I feel apart from most people + even more after the last three years when anarchists on the ground + in academia supported vacuna mandates + nazis tho only on a good day when I have faith in humanity do I feel anarchist—that is—faith in humanity/s ability to get along + organize w/o rulers which is what Jesus wanted + modeled + as Nietzshe says then the disciples + San Pablo made him a ruler—workers could run factories perfectly fine so I/m a marxist too—not sure about the communist part tho seems obvious capitalism isnt working except for rich people + politicians they buy off who also become rich—I/m mostly a socialist—I want Medicare for All + I like the USPS + roads tho Chomsky + Žižek showed their true strong government tendencies saying those of us who didnt want la vacuna should be cut off + left to starve so dont tell me to vote theres no one to fucking vote for—as David Graeber shows for most of human history that we know about people lived w/o rulers + if there did come a powerful asshole king you could just leave—there was plenty of land to go start yr own tribe except now you cant—leave the Merican Empire? for what? European Union? bureaucracy ruled by unelected rich people? which makes Antigua look good—at least I could have a free or cheap doctor + dentist.
XI
after el caos de domingo el tranquilo de lunes—sunny morning in la plaza con poca gente—last full day—someone else already moved her stuff into la casa where I/m staying to move into my room as soon as I/m gone in 24 hours—two weeks in Antigua was too much or not enough—all I do when I travel is hang out in cafes read + scribble anyways—I dont talk to women here just like back en los Estados Unidos—Antigua an island when I thought I/d be able to go walking in mountains—could swear I saw trailheads on a google map of the area—theres only so much wandering of streets before I get it—the only thing left would be a guatemalan girlfriend or at least a european one but at my age not gonna happen + she/d have to be amazing—but all the amazing women are off doing amazing things while I scribble here reading my friend Nietzsche rip apart christianity tho in this book buddhism at least gets his somewhat approval (elsewhere not)—I wonder if meditation would have helped his migraines—he knew buddhism more as a way to salve despair or at least depression tho he doesnt mention the eightfold path but at least he gets buddhism—concerned w/this world while christianity is concerned with whats after—not what Jesus cared about—San Pablo sets up the power structure—only thing people really care about is a sense of community which I admit I dont have tho I/m not usually lonely especially not up at my fire lookout tower just when I/m around other people feeling how much I dont have in common w/them tho also feeling we do.
XII
Ben the yoga instructor making it his own way working at a hostel mornings for free room teaching classes enough for money staying a few more months then onward to Ecuador for another half year all unplanned at least at the beginning of his adventure—I/m too old for hostel life but too poor for hotel life—cant teach yoga either tho I think he/s going to teach english online or at a school here which could be a possiblity tho doesnt pay that much not unless you do it all day which doesnt sound fun—ending on a sour note on my last night w/la dueña demanding I pay for the toilet seat that broke last week which was plástica + the wrong size + already had a big crack in it—finally just broke off when I raised it one morning—she knew this a week ago but didnt say anything until tonight—either shes being dumb or she/s lying + both make me angry or possibilty she knew it would break soon + didnt replace it—waiting for someone like me to blame it on—I/m the bad guy—one last dinner at the jordinian restaurante my comida favorita acá w/falafels rolled in sesame seeds pita bread to scoop hummus + tabouli—tranquila monday night at la plaza I’m ready to go—no meaning in a tourist town you have to create yr own from nada—I/d love some rain to tranquilizarme + now two guys on phones just sat next to me in an otherwise empty café what a horrible way to end but now their women get them to move + now I’m alone—mejor así.
XIII
better to do the turnaround + end w/this chica checking me out—tho I/m never sure—but maybe—tho she/s young but cute—not sure what I/m supposed to do + why/s she in this café looking at me—definitely not a tourist but what is she doing in here alone—but what can I do not that I would ever do anything because thats how I roll—return back to my room w/the toilet problem somehow resolved thru the organization I used: ninosdegautemala.org—nonprofit which helps schools in pueblos near here whose founder owns the hotel next cranking música all day for rich tourists but they have a good green tea w/a little bit of mint—went there for one-on-one spanish lessons really just convos w/Iris the tutor who probably thought I was crazy ranting about the CIA coup in guatemala + ukranian nazis—she seems on the point of making a life change doing something else as is everyone in the world it seems b/c how much time do we have before we die or are forced to live inside forever eating bugs—those of us who survive forced vacunas w/experimental technology but adios guatemala adios volcanes adios aguacates y panzaverdes adios nubes adios feral dogs adios cobblestones from my ankles adios indigenous women still washing clothes in stone colonial tanques adios olmec statues—the seven king/s wives w/jade earrings + giant toad—adios bush thingie which attacked me one night sliced thru one of my ears—adios tuktuks I/m glad I never rode in you—adios room on roof—adios women I didnt talk to I wish I/d been in a less blue mood but I/m better gracias.
