MY BODY
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my body.
At my age things have been going downhill for a while; running up the stairs almost always ensures such an event be followed by a nap; women seem to look away when I remove my shirt; and most everything sags. But the trick is in finding ways to take advantage of the changes offered with age. In doing so, my body has achieved more than I could have hoped.
Whereas my previously lean body was taught and intimidating, the softness of its current state allows for great amounts of pity – especially from strangers. At the market I’ll drop something and pretend I can’t pick it up just to watch others do the work for me. It’s an amazing sensation of power. Shoplifting is easier now, too. No one suspects the kindly old man. On the rare occasions when I get caught, I just act feeble and claim I don’t know how that iPod got under my hat. Then I pee myself a little and security is quick to let me go. (And when the bus driver sees my wet pants, he doesn’t even ask me to pay the fare!) Never before have I been so free.
My ears aren’t as powerful as they could be, so I sometimes require a hearing aid. If I turn up the volume enough, I can hear conversations not meant for me. Just last week I heard my butcher talking about an affair he was having with his wife’s gynecologist. Now guess who’s being anonymously blackmailed. It’s basically like having a coupon for all the free steak I want.
Some of my body’s best traits have nothing to do with age. For instance, I have really extraordinary nipples. I was a nipple model in my youth (I was Burt Lancaster’s body double in A Child Is Waiting) but gave it all up when I went into insurance. There’s no reason I couldn’t go back to modeling though. My nipples are still just as beautiful today as they were back then.
The absolute best thing about my body is its resilience. Aside from the countless surgeries its undergone (double bypass, rhinoplasty, polydactyly removal), it’s also survived a number of accidents, wild animal attacks and a fist fight with Joey Finnegan, this jerk who thinks everything is about him. And once I was in a coma for 18 months, and when I came to I could speak Spanish. ¡Gracias, cerebro!
If my body hadn’t contracted STDs so easily, that would have made the difference between four and five stars. Not that my body didn’t do an awesome job of fending off the diseases, but having to explain their origins to my wife did cause some problems. May she rest in peace. If you think your body is better than mine, please send some photos of the things it can do to: iamtedwilson@gmail.com.
Please check back next week when I’ll be reviewing meteors.
7 responses
I was looking forward to the review of Canada, but this, well this was more fun than anything Canada has ever delivered, thank you sir.
Thanks, Nate. You’re right, this was fun. I’ll review Canada eventually.
Lovin the new graphic.
Thanks for this- good to laugh this early in the morning. My computer on the other hand is seriously pissed off. It didn’t appreciate the tea spewed all over it, especially when it was passed through a nose first. He’ll be sending you a bill.
What we didn’t realize was that you were reviewing your body while in Canada. It makes all the difference.
And thank you for the laughs. My neighbor wants you to know that he can fit his lanky 6’2 frame into a carry-on bag. Don’t have pictures, though.
What he can do with his body is anyone’s guess.
Very funny. You might want to go on Jerry Springer. He seems to have people tearing off clothes on air all the time. You could get back into the nipple modeling world with the exposure there.
Helen
Straight From Hel
You can’t teach tautness.
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