Can You Love a Non-Reader?
Friday, we linked to GIANT’s list of reasons writers should not date other writers, but Evan Maloney at The Guardian goes into the flip-side of that question: Can a reader date a nonreader?
“What difference does it make in a relationship if both partners are notorious readers, or if one partner reads voraciously while the other has no interest in literature? Does “must love books” represent a categorical imperative, an optional extra or a quality of no consequence in a book lover’s search for an ideal partner?”
Maloney answers that loving a reader can be an added plus, but not a necessity. I agree on paper, but I’m not sure I’d be able to date someone who rarely opens a book, probably because it would mean they don’t value what I’m spending a large part of my life doing.
What do you think?
January 10th, 2010 at 11:29 am
The mind recoils in horror. I don’t think so. Even if someone doesn’t have the same kind of relationship with literature that I have (as a recovering Lit undergrad and grad student), someone who doesn’t read and appreciate literature at all would probably seem as some sort of soulless, mindless golem to me. I don’t think I ever have dated a non-reader, but I did go on a date once with someone who said she didn’t “get” music. As in, it’s nice to have on in the background at a party, but she doesn’t understand why people think it’s so great. I’d never been more creeped out before.
January 10th, 2010 at 11:42 am
I think that just because someone is a big reader, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will “value what I’m spending a large part of my life doing.” For example, I have a cousin who loves to read, reads everyday and tons of different books. At Thanksgiving she tells me how much she loves the Sookie Stackhouse novels, that she read the whole series (I read the first book just after graduate school), and I’m thinking dear god! Can a Sookie Stackhouse lover–and hey, no judgement, you get your kicks where you get your kicks–really appreciate our life’s work, as we would hope they would? I don’t know.
Just because someone reads doesn’t mean they share the same value system, and just because someone doesn’t read, it doesn’t mean they can’t understand your passion. That’s my answer, and I’m sticking to it.
January 10th, 2010 at 11:53 am
I could never date a non-reader.
January 10th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
My husband is more visually oriented. He reads, but loses patience with it quickly. His focus is more photography and design. We’ve been a very good complement to each other in this sense, both of us learning.
January 10th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
No, as a writer and an avid reader, because reading constitutes 60% of my free time. When you hold something to heart, you want to share it someone.
January 10th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Very good friend of mine is dyslexic. He’s very knowledgeable, visual, and articulate. I’m a reader but mechanically challenged. Again, we complement each other.
January 10th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I don’t think that would work for logistical reasons. Unless the non-reader had a similarly time-consuming hobby they were passionate about.
January 10th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Probably not, depending on what they’re doing with that time instead. Running 8 miles a day and counting calories? Watching reality TV? How we spend our time reveals our priorities.
January 10th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
it’s tough. my husband was a reader, but since he started working on his own writing and taking care of our baby, he never reads anymore. I admit it bothers me. I always have books I want to share with him and talk about. but I still love him! maybe he doesn’t fit the definition of ‘non-reader’, he still values books (since he is writing his own), he’s just not in a “reading space” right now.
January 10th, 2010 at 7:06 pm
Xochi, you’ve got a great point, but go easy on us Sookie Stackhouse fans. We’re not all that terrible :p
January 10th, 2010 at 10:02 pm
Hey, no judgment over here for certain people who enjoy Sookie Stackhouse Books on Tape. I like reading Jersey Shore recaps (after watching), so really, no judgement.
January 11th, 2010 at 5:48 am
A friend told me he thought reading was a complete waste of time, and his attractiveness plummeted for me. If you don’t have time to read a lot that’s one thing, but you need to value reading and my desire to do so. In addition, I don’t know a lot of people who read extensively, but it’s such a gorgeous experience when you meet someone who does, I would definitely prefer interactions with them to a non-reader. My problem: don’t know a lot of guys who read at all.
January 11th, 2010 at 7:54 am
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years, and he is not much of a reader. My kids and I will be gushing over the latest children’s books (I write middle grade & YA), and he’ll have no idea what we’re talking about. But he still is interested when I gush about my favorite book or author (or at least he pretends to be interested). They say opposites attract. I’m glad he and I aren’t the same. He’s a hard-working nine-to-fiver, which I definitely am not! He’s practical. I’m creative. We balance each other. He’s always supportive and makes an effort to read what I write if I ask him to. Plus he makes phenomenal spinach artichoke dip. See? You can find reedemable qualities in non-readers, too!
January 11th, 2010 at 8:37 am
Honestly, I don’t think it matters much if two people share the same passion, so long as they respect the other person’s predilections. I mean, the question could be “could an avid historical non-fiction reader date a Sookie Stackhouse lover?” (I only choose Sookie as an example, since it seems to be a lightening rod for criticism from “serious” readers). I say never to apologize for your reading tastes, and self-professed non-readers shouldn’t apologize for their own habits (especially since many “non-readers” don’t count the endless blogs, newspapers and magazines they devour as reading). I’m a bibliovore, and what’s most important to me isn’t that the guy I date be a reader, but that he be passionate about SOMETHING, whether it be books, music, art, movies, archeology or bottle-cap-collecting. If a guy isn’t passionate about something, then he may never understand how I feel about my obsession, and that would be the greatest divider of all…
January 11th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Can You Love a Non-Reader?
Only if it’s based on sex. And only until morning. Well, brunch maybe.
January 11th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
I’ve dated readers and non-readers, and I’m still single! I think as long as they have some passion of their own, it is not a problem.
January 11th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Never would I date a non-reader, even if his passion was doing something else!
January 11th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
I’m an avid reader & usually read at least 4 books a week so I do spend a lot of my spare time reading. My other half isn’t much of a reader at all – in the 8 years we’ve been together he’s probably read less than 10 books! Yes it would be nice if he liked reading too – sometimes it would be great to be able to discuss books I love with him but we have plenty of other things in common that we can talk about & he has hobbies that I have no interest in too. We can still have conversations about our seperate interests & I have lots of friends who I can have more detailed discussions with. Life would be boring if everyone was the same & I think differences can enhance a relationship.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with a non-reader if they didn’t accept my love of books but I’d never end my current relationship just because my partner doesn’t read. So he loves his xbox, so what? He plays games, I read & then later we snuggle up on the sofa & watch a movie. We’ve been together 8 years so something is obviously working!
January 14th, 2010 at 2:48 am
Maybe it’s an introvert thing but no non-reader that I’ve dated has really been entirely accepting, let alone welcoming, of the time that I need to spend curled up by myself with a book in front of my face. Always with the talking, and the wanting to go somewhere… things go much better with bookworm partners; I don’t necessarily need to be alone, I’m perfectly happy to read with someone’s arm around my shoulder or head in my lap, but things gotta be restful, and it seems that only fellow bookworms understand that.
January 18th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
I read 145 books last year. My husband read…maybe 2ish? It’s not a problem. We don’t have to share EVERYTHING in common in order to have respect for each other and a real connection.
January 22nd, 2010 at 6:15 am
I think it’s interesting that many of the replies above say they would not “date” a non-reader, meaning they’re still single. Ha! Maybe when you realize there is more to love than how many books the other person has read, you’ll actually find someone to spend your life with. I’m happily married for 6 years to a complete non-reader, unless you count car magazines. We share the same values and passion in life, and we love each other, that’s more important than books. He respects my love of books and my desire to buy so many of them, and I respect hi
January 30th, 2010 at 9:15 am
I agree with John Waters, “If he doesn’t read, you shouldn’t be fucking him.”