FUNNY WOMEN #23: Post-Apocalyptic American Girl Dolls

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Meet Felicity!

After the 2770 Rebellion of the Virginias, all of America (including American Swaziland) is controlled by the reanimated head of Senator Robert C. Byrd. Felicity thinks this is wrong, but how can she maintain her convictions when her grandpa, a political crony of Byrd’s, and her white supremacist friend Emily think differently? It’s up to Felicity to find a way to hold both love and loyalty in her heart–to do this, she’ll need a crossbow with a cyanide tip.

Felicity Starter Package: Felicity Doll, Robert C. Byrd head (container sold separately), Felicity’s Pet Ape, Brokaw….$69.95

Accessories: Felicity’s Crossbow, Boots, Gamma Ray-Resistant Helmet….$39.95

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Meet Kirsten!

It’s 3000, and everyone is scrambling to live on the last part of the North American continent that’s not submerged underwater: New York State. Kirsten and her family are at the head of the pioneer trail, but they’ve got a lot of obstacles to endure along the way: Guatemalan pirates who, having lost all semblance of humanity after their food supply ran out, now resort to devouring all but the eyes and teeth of the men in any traveling party while leaving the women and children to die in the climatologically bizarre SuperCold; a rabid wolf whose disturbing image mysteriously travels the world, haunting the remaining members of the human race by reminding them of their hubris; a motorcycle gang of inveterate rapists who try to seduce Kirsten’s mother and then encourage Kirsten’s whole family to live on their “famine-resistant” commune; and Kirsten’s emaciated and raving grandfather, whom the family took for dead 25 years ago. It’s up to Kirsten to be brave and discover the true meaning of home while avoiding the deadly strain of a rapidly spreading virus.

Kirsten Starter Package: Kirsten Doll, Blind Junky-Prophet Who Foretells Planetary Rebirth Doll, Rusted Family Chevy…$79.95

Accessories: Kirsten’s Heat Vision Goggles, Kirsten’s Global Climate Change Emergency Raft….$49.95

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Meet Addy, Josefina, and Kaya!

In 3300, all of the Learn-and-Share-and-Grow Ethnic Minority American Girl Dolls™ are packaged together to streamline liberal guilt on behalf of American Girl’s largely white consumer populace. Learn-and-Share-and-Grow Ethnic Minority American Girl Dolls™ can only be purchased all at once and must be played with all at once. Recommended rôles of play:

Scenario 1:

Addy: Doctor.
Josefina: Doctor.
Kaya: Doctor.

Addy is curing Josefina of a disease she contracted while fighting for Kaya’s employment rights–including a higher salary and the right to invoke Ancient Native American Spirits® in the workplace–at an Equality Now™ rally in New-New York.

Scenario 2:

Addy: Successful and Visionary Painter.
Josefina: World-Renowned Geneticist.
Kaya: Stay-at-Home Mother.

Kaya has elected to abandon her dual careers of Hyper-Botanist and iPhone Touch-Screen Developer to stay home with her Mixed-Race Child®. When Kaya realizes her Mixed-Race Child® has the mumps, she consults Josefina, who ethically engineers a disease-free embryo and implants it in Kaya. When the disease-free child is born, the Mixed-Race Child® has a new and healthy friend, which inspires the Mixed-Race Child® to get healthy herself. The New-New York Times publishes an article on the whole thing, and Addy paints what she feels about it. Addy gets a $10,000,000 commission from a wealthy Sotheby’s patron to paint more.

Scenario 3:

Addy: Open-Minded Coed.
Josefina: Kaya’s Lesbian Lover.
Kaya: Josefina’s Lesbian Lover.

Kaya and Josefina, an Aged Lesbian Couple™, teach Addy how to be a militant feminist.

Addy, Josefina, and Kaya Starter Package: Addy Doll, Josefina Doll, Kaya Doll, Changes of Clothes….$69.95

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Meet Kat!

Kat is a modern American Girl doll! She’s designed to be just like you: your hair color, your eye color, your face shape, your interests, your insecurities, your girlish tendency to fantasize about a different world, your unrequited crushes, your sensitivities, your oft-repressed talents, the strange noises you make while you’re asleep! Send us your address and we will know just how to customize Kat!

Kat Starter Package: Kat Doll…$450.00

Accessories: Kat’s hairbrush….$12.00

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Original art by Ilyse Magy.

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Rebekah Frumkin goes to school in Minnesota and her short story, "Monster," was featured in "Best American Nonrequired Reading 2009." She counts her mother, James Joyce, and Lady Gaga among her heroes. You can Google her name if you want. More from this author →