You may have heard that us “millennials” are struggling to find jobs. It’s true. The unemployment wave is pushing us recent college grads into taking menial positions in restaurants, retail stores—even cleaning other people’s houses. But we’re holding out for something better, something that stirs our passions—and of course pays well. In typical “innovative” millennial fashion (I know!), I have made the job descriptions for positions I can fill. Companies that need these services can come find me, in the manner to which I am accustomed. These are the kinds of jobs I’d accept:
Software Engineer, sort of: The ideal candidate will assume a technical title in the computer department of the company, but in reality she will just sit in front of the computer all day with a command line window open, playing flash games. Must have at least two to three weeks of experience playing around with at least one programming language, preferably an easy one like Python. Candidates who have written at least ten lines of code and have successfully made a penny-flipping program are preferred. Computer science majors and the technically inclined need not apply. Salary: $100,000, plus an expense account for fancy desk toys and pizza, for late-night coding projects.
Magazine Editor: Employee will tell underlings (preferably college seniors on winter break) that their writing is crappy and to rewrite pieces again and again by removing adverbs, adjectives, and interesting verbs. Will be responsible for coming up with wild ideas comparing and contrasting unrelated things, wearing stilettos, and using an iMac on a fashionable glass desk while wearing Dolce & Gabbana reading glasses. Previous experience should include, but is not limited to, having seen (but not read) The Devil Wears Prada. Salary: $180,000 and a prominent column in the magazine, for which an online zine refers to you as a “zeitgeist.”
General Scientist: Employee will be responsible for: putting various chemicals in beakers and sometimes adding them together to make smoke, fire, or other disasters. Employee will NOT be responsible for: cleaning up these incidences or the related damages. State-of-the-art lab, white coat, goggles, and team of “yes-woman” colleagues will be provided. Salary: $150,000 and a hybrid car painted “Proton Turquoise.”
Internet Site Reader/Promoter: Candidate must be practiced at reading articles, watching videos, and looking at pictures on the Internet all day. Will be responsible for laughing and telling friends about them. 7 to 10 years of Internet reading and browsing experience required. Facebook and Twitter account with 100+ followers a plus. Salary: $20 an hour, plus free gourmet hamburgers brought to desk whenever demanded.
Game Designer: Employee will responsible for making up a fun game. Required experience: Applicant plays a lot of games all the time in the face of emotional and professional difficulties. 1 or 2 hours of having thought about how fun it would be to design video games preferred. Salary: $150,000, plus a fully equipped and leveled character in our upcoming sci-fi MMO.
Quantitative Analyst: Employee will read spreadsheets, make charts and PowerPoints, and then present them in a sufficient imitation of management/business-school-speak to a long table of men in suits. The men in suits will always be impressed and will not initiate sexism in the workplace. Candidate will be required to have high school and college experience’s worth of making spreadsheets, charts, and PowerPoints; decent sense of pie chart color palettes and desire to wear well-cut suits to work a plus. Salary: $200,000, residence in an East Side co-op with a helipad for your own personal helicopter that will be necessary to commute to work and business brunches.
Freelancer: Will tell personal secrets for acclaim and nap often. Salary: Whatever my parents make.
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