CENTIPEDES
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing centipedes.
Centipedes are long, worm-like insects that have tons of legs. I’m not exactly sure how many legs, but it’s a lot. I tried counting the legs on a centipede I saw the other day because I wanted this review to also be educational, but he was moving too fast for me to keep count. It had to be over 20 legs.
There have never been any famous centipedes, in history or in fiction. I attribute this to the fact that centipedes are gross. If they weren’t gross, people would have them as pets and they would be the lead characters in Pixar films. Instead, centipedes are just these bugs that cross your mind once in a while and that’s about it.
I think some people in really poor countries eat centipedes, but because they’re poor, not because they like them. Those are probably the only people who are excited to see centipedes, because then they think, “Hey, free food!” Except they think it in a different language than English. I hope some day I am not excited to see a centipede, because that will probably mean that America has finally fallen. For now I’m content to be excited when I see a Twinkie someone lost.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing OshKosh B-Gosh.
9 responses
Centipedes always make me think of David Cronenberg’s adaptation of Naked Lunch.
Centipedes are sent from Hell to steal the souls of people who eat them. Everybody knows that.
Don’t centipedes also bite or pinch? If so that might deserve a half star knocked off for jerky behavior.
Dear Spike, I did not know that.
Dear Shannon, I do not offer ratings which include half-stars. My Apologies.
What about the centipede in James and the Giant Peach? I remember something about millions of legs and millions of pairs of boots for all the legs.
Dear Kate,
I’m unfamiliar with that centipede, but take note that the story is not called James and the Giant Centipede. Or Centipede and the Giant Peach.
Your Friend,
Ted
Does the “Human Centipede” count? Though I think that reaffirmed the centipede’s status as something really gross (and really frightening)
I will never watch the most recent remake of King Kong purely for the reason that it has that scene in the middle with the giant people-sized centipedes. That was totally unnecessary. And creepy. Centipedes are the worst bug ever. In fact, I think this blog post is the only good thing to have come from the centipede’s existence.
There was a pretty famous centipede in “Alice in wonderland”. I think. But I can’t really be sure, I always feel high when I watch that movie.
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