Because in real life, sex can be boring…
***
INT. OF DIMLY LIT RESTAURANT, NIGHT. An attractive woman in her 40s stands up and bursts into tears as she sees a man walk towards her table.
KELLY: I can’t believe you came! Twenty years I’ve waited. There was never anyone but you, Ryan. You’re the one! You’ve always been the one!
RYAN: Oh man, I totally forgot about that. I just get takeout from here sometimes. Sorry, it’s Rhonda, right? Try the salmon teriyaki.
***
EXT. DAY, NEW YORK CITY. A couple in their early 20s sits on a park bench.
GERT: I didn’t think you’d call.
JOE: Actually, I didn’t plan to, but I was hoping you’d loan me $10 so I can get back to Park Slope.
GERT: I’d invite you back to my place, but my roommate has a “no overnight guests policy,” and well, we have bedbugs again.
JOE: Hey, it’s cool. I’d rather get back home. When we met at the bar last night, the light was dimmer, and I didn’t realize your face was like that.
Gert gets up and walks away crying. She doesn’t look back, because that angle gives her a double chin.
***
INT. OF TRENDY BAR, NIGHT. A man approaches a woman sitting at the bar.
MAN: Waiting for someone?
WOMAN: No, I just saw Samantha do this on Sex and the City, so I’ve sat at this bar every night since 2009, waiting for men to talk to me.
MAN: Cool. Excuse me while I pretend to take a call even though I lost my iPhone yesterday in a cab.
***
INT. SHABBY LIVING ROOM, DAY. Roommates COLIN and JANET sit in their Astoria apartment.
JANET: You know what they say, true love’s always just under your nose. Come on, let’s go out to a beautiful romantic spot in the West Village so I can take off my glasses and you can realize how beautiful I am.
COLIN: That’s like an hour on the N train! And why spend 12 bucks on a drink? Let’s just look under the futon mattress for change and get beer.
JANET: Whatever, I have to work at two of my three jobs tomorrow. I’m going to bed.
Janet walks to her room and goes to slam the door, until she remembers it’s only a curtain partitioning off the living room.
***
INT. TRENDY NIGHTCLUB, NIGHT. A song by Nickelback featuring Pitbull fills the room. Slow motion montage: a man walks through the club, sets his sights on a beautiful woman and heads her way.
GUY: Hi. I find you attractive. Do you find me attractive? One day you’ll age, and I can promise you, sweetheart, you’ll never regret going home with that guy from the club who’s a total tomcat in the sack.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: Dude, you know other people besides you were allowed to see Crazy Stupid Love, too, right?
***
INT. ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT, NIGHT. A 46 year-old-Orthodontist sits at his computer filling out his J-Date profile. For his profile photo, he uploads a photo of Brad Pitt’s torso from Fight Club.
***
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