FUNNY WOMEN #68: Scenes from Realistic Rom-Coms

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Because in real life, sex can be boring…

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INT. OF DIMLY LIT RESTAURANT, NIGHT. An attractive woman in her 40s stands up and bursts into tears as she sees a man walk towards her table. 

KELLY: I can’t believe you came! Twenty years I’ve waited. There was never anyone but you, Ryan. You’re the one! You’ve always been the one!

RYAN: Oh man, I totally forgot about that. I just get takeout from here sometimes. Sorry, it’s Rhonda, right? Try the salmon teriyaki.

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EXT. DAY, NEW YORK CITY. A couple in their early 20s sits on a park bench.

GERT: I didn’t think you’d call.

JOE: Actually, I didn’t plan to, but I was hoping you’d loan me $10 so I can get back to Park Slope.

GERT: I’d invite you back to my place, but my roommate has a “no overnight guests policy,” and well, we have bedbugs again.

JOE: Hey, it’s cool. I’d rather get back home. When we met at the bar last night, the light was dimmer, and I didn’t realize your face was like that.

Gert gets up and walks away crying. She doesn’t look back, because that angle gives her a double chin. 

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INT. OF TRENDY BAR, NIGHT. A man approaches a woman sitting at the bar. 

MAN: Waiting for someone?

WOMAN: No, I just saw Samantha do this on Sex and the City, so I’ve sat at this bar every night since 2009, waiting for men to talk to me.

MAN: Cool. Excuse me while I pretend to take a call even though I lost my iPhone yesterday in a cab.

***

INT. SHABBY LIVING ROOM, DAY. Roommates COLIN and JANET sit in their Astoria apartment.

JANET: You know what they say, true love’s always just under your nose. Come on, let’s go out to a beautiful romantic spot in the West Village so I can take off my glasses and you can realize how beautiful I am.

COLIN: That’s like an hour on the N train! And why spend 12 bucks on a drink? Let’s just look under the futon mattress for change and get beer.

JANET: Whatever, I have to work at two of my three jobs tomorrow. I’m going to bed.

Janet walks to her room and goes to slam the door, until she remembers it’s only a curtain partitioning off the living room.

***

INT. TRENDY NIGHTCLUB, NIGHT. A song by Nickelback featuring Pitbull fills the room. Slow motion montage: a man walks through the club, sets his sights on a beautiful woman and heads her way.

GUY: Hi. I find you attractive. Do you find me attractive? One day you’ll age, and I can promise you, sweetheart, you’ll never regret going home with that guy from the club who’s a total tomcat in the sack.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: Dude, you know other people besides you were allowed to see Crazy Stupid Love, too, right?

***

INT. ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT, NIGHT. A 46 year-old-Orthodontist sits at his computer filling out his J-Date profile. For his profile photo, he uploads a photo of Brad Pitt’s torso from Fight Club.

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Rupinder Gill has written for The National Post, McSweeneys, CBC Radio, and the comedy program This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Her first book, On the Outside Looking Indian, was shortlisted for Canada's Stephen Leacock Humor Medal and is now available in the United States from the good people at Riverhead. Don't be shy about buying multiple copies! More from this author →