FUNNY WOMEN #69: Pitches for the Lifetime Movie Channel

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Dear Lifetime Channel,

I’m delighted to see Lifetime breaking new ground in source material for feature films, tapping directly into the zeitgeist and speaking straight to the next generation of viewers, in the 140-character terms they understand best.

I watched with excitement the film Unanswered Prayers, which you recently aired and described as follows on your website (emphasis mine):

“The film explores the themes of marriage, family, community and second chances with love, asking, ‘Did I let the one I loved get away, or is she right in front of me?’ Executive produced by Garth Brooks, and based on his song.”

With this precedent in mind, I submit a few script ideas that may generate some buzz in your weekly development meetings. I would be happy to deliver completed manuscripts within forty-five minutes of your expression of interest.

Yours,
K. Munro

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International School of Hyderabad:

The heartwarming story of a nonprofit English international school on the outskirts of Hyderabad. Based on this Wikipedia article.

You Have Been Specially Selected:

This film explores the theme of second chances through the story of a household’s failure to subscribe to Men’s Health and Good Housekeeping at exclusive introductory rates. Based on weekly mail sent to my home.

New Clothes!:

Based on a fortune thumbtacked to my cubicle wall after lunch at Good Taste Noodles three months ago, the movie dramatizes a lone diner’s journey from not having new clothes to having them.

Re: hi! Enlargement bonus business proposal:

A surreal trip through the mind and times of a junior sales executive who has played Beautiful Katamari for sixteen hours straight. Based on composite sources from my spam box.

Stoked to Brew:

Unemployed paperhanger Toby Poots (Topher Grace) learns the age-old secrets of brewing from his wise and sensual mentor Mrs. Lowdermilk (Sophia Loren). Based on the Full Sail bottlecap message.

STOP: The True Story of Fourth and Vine:

For nearly seven years, all vehicles have been required to come to a full stop at the corner of Fourth St and Vine Avenue in Middlewood, OR. For the first time, this story is told in full. Based on that sign down the street. (Script may require DMV review and approval.)

Between G and I:

A (re)cursive interrogation of the typographic, linguistic, orthographic, and philological resonances of the eighth grapheme of the modern Latin English alphabet. This rigorous documentary, awarded highest honors at Cannes, ranges far and wide to explore the painful segmentation of phonemes, the treatment of vowels in abugidas, and the impossibility of perfect phonology. Based on the letter H.

Worlds Within: The Truth Revealed:

In the tradition of the widely-acclaimed Qatsi films of Godfrey Reggio, this film explores themes of cosmic destiny, interconnectedness, entropy, and rebirth through a kaleidoscopic meditation on the nature of a particle of dust. Based on a particle of dust.

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Editor’s note: Please notice no one has made a joke about the number of this week’s column. No one even thought to joke about it. Not a single person imagined the sexual position this week’s column number implies.

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Karen Munro lives and rides in Portland, OR. She's based on carbon. Read her blog here. More from this author →