FUNNY WOMEN #70: Top Vaginal Scents for the Holiday Season

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Okay, ladies, you’ve read our tips on pleasing your man in the bedroom, but over the years many of our faithful readers have written in with the same concern: “I like it when my boyfriend goes down on me, but he doesn’t like how I smell down there. What can I do?”  If you’ve asked yourself this question, congratulations: the first step is admitting that your vagina is the problem. Read on for advice on the top vaginal scents –the gift that keeps on giving–and what you can do to emit them.

Roses

The floral symbol of love. For centuries men have been giving women bouquets of this fragrant and erotic flower, and it’s about time we return the favor in our own unique feminine way. Whether by the dozen or a single perfect rose, your man is secretly saying, “I want your vagina to smell like this.”  Fortunately there is a myriad of products out there designed to give you that rosy aroma.

Editor’s Pick: Aunt Jessie’s Panty Potpourri ($8)

The Ocean

There’s a fine line between the ocean where your boyfriend whiled away his childhood summers–feeling the first pangs of pubescent love for a bosomy lifeguard–and the ocean where fish poop. If you can strike that happy pH balance, he’s sure to fall in love.

Editor’s Pick: Love Is in the Air Ocean Spray ($10; 2 for $18)

Innocence

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Your man wants your vagina to smell as though it’s never known the outside world, and can you really blame him? Ladies, am I right?! Who among us hasn’t held a sweet sleeping infant in her arms and thought, “If only I had an infant-scented douche!”  Well, thanks to the folks over at Parsons-Schmitt, Inc., now you can! The product was made possible when biochemists at MIT isolated and extracted the scent from the stem cells of aborted embryos. Thanks, science!

Editor’s Pick: Baby Your Labia Feminine Cleanse ($45)

New Car

Out of 100 men polled, 17% want your vagina to smell like a new or new-ish car. The great thing about this scent is that it is comes in a convenient 16oz spray can and is available at your local Wal-Mart or auto parts store.

Editor’s Pick: Auto Moods Air Freshener ($3.99-$5.99). Please note: does not protect against STDs or any other kind of infection. 

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Whatever scent you choose, one thing’s for sure: it’s extremely important your vagina does not look, feel, taste, or smell anything like a vagina. In the coming issues we’ll be offering more advice on how to make your cooter tolerable to the opposite sex. Until then, happy douching!
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Patricia Mitchell’s vagina doesn’t smell like roses, but her shit does. Read more of her work at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Defenestration Magazine, hobo pancakes, and Monkeybicycle. More from this author →