Dear Sugar,
Please oh please help me. I’m so mixed up and in so much pain that I’m beginning to be afraid I might kill myself, though I have two small children and basically know I can’t and would never, and I definitely know how crazy and self-dramatizing that is. The very fact that I think of killing myself when I am a mother is scaring the shit out of me.
I am somewhat unhappily married to a complicated man, who is also a wonderful man in many ways—aren’t we all both monsters and nice people? During my last pregnancy I very unwisely started an inappropriate correspondence with an ex from high school online. (Thanks, Facebook!) I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was lonely and angry at my husband for all the reasons people in their 30s with little kids get angry at each other (just a little more so in our case). Somehow I thought I could get away with crossing a little line without it turning into anything. I was faithful, a good wife, a good person, a pillar of her community, a good friend, “I would never,” etc….
Well, this ex and I fell in love. I turned out that he is a cross-dresser (I didn’t know about it in high-school) and I’ve always been kind of wanting to be a lesbian, but not really into girls (I’ve tried). We both have serious abuse in our backgrounds. We both feel like together we could be complete, ourselves, intimate in ways that we’ve never even imagined being with another person. I know how cliché that is, though it feels different in this case (another cliché!) because of the fetish and power-exchange aspects of our relationship.
I’ve only been aware of the extent of the physical and psycho-sexual abuse in my childhood since starting therapy a few years ago. (I originally started therapy with my husband, pre-affair, and it sort of improved things until this….) The affair has been mainly virtual, though my love and I have seen each other once. Though it has now been going on for over a year, the “active affair” have been only for short periods of time. I can correspond with my love for about a month, before the guilt and pain and horror and fear make me stop.
As I said, I have tiny children. I’m so afraid of leaving my husband to raise them on my own or without my husband’s emotional and logistical support. I’m so sad to hurt and abandon my husband, whose life has not been easy either. He’s done shitty things to me in the past few years, but he doesn’t deserve this. I’ve gone for periods of one to three months totally out of touch with my love, but I just feel sadder and more depressed and darker and more lonely without him. He can and would move to my city and be with me. But if I left my husband I would be in uncharted waters.
I often fear that I’m losing my mind. I am in therapy, and have discussed medication with my therapist, but it’s hard to believe that my problem is medication-requiring when it seems so situational. My therapist hasn’t come down strongly one way or another. I’m currently in another it’s-finally-over phase with my love, but it doesn’t feel over at all. Also, I feel so miserable around my husband that sometimes I can barely talk. I’m drinking, I’m smoking, I’m watching TV. I’m hiding behind the children. I want to just tell my husband the truth and then let everyone deal with the situation like adults, but I have received legal advice that says that it would be foolish and crazy to give my husband information about the affair and the fetish aspects (which I feel like is crucial to any of this making sense and being true) when facing a custody battle.
My husband works long hours and I am the primary caretaker of our children (see: how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place), but he has already told me that he’ll fight me for custody to his last breath if I try to leave him. He’s a powerful guy and very tenacious. I’m trying to love him and get over these feelings and absorb and accept that this is my life and I can’t change it, but, again, the darkness….
What can I do? Can you help? The last piece of semi-relevant information here might be that though I know I sound hysterical and dramatic and possibly dangerous, this is so out of character for me. I’ve always been the person with her shit together, self-sufficient, there in other people’s times of need and so on.
I really pray you answer my letter. Thank you.
Despair Girl
Dear Despair Girl,
The only time I’ve ever felt certain that I was about to die was on the last day of the year in 1991. I was 23 years old and sitting in the passenger seat of a borrowed SUV that was being driven by my ex-husband along a cold country highway at eight o’clock in the morning. We were heading north on an hours-long drive to a New Year’s Eve gathering with a small group of our friends who’d rented a cabin in the woods. We’d left our apartment in the city just after dawn in hopes of reaching our destination in time to go cross-country skiing before the sun went down.
There was no traffic. In fact, only occasionally did another car pass by, going the opposite direction. The road was set slightly above the rest of the terrain, the ditches dropping off steeply before flattening out and giving way to the woods beyond, all of it covered by a few feet of snow. Winter in the Upper Midwest. We were moving along at something like 58 miles an hour until suddenly the SUV was careening sideways toward the ditch on the other side of the road, having hit, apparently a patch of black ice.
“Get control of the car,” I said to my ex-husband calmly and quietly as we swerved perilously from one side of the road to the other, each correction an over-correction that sent us lurching horribly on. “Get control of the car,” I repeated in the same tone, as if I could will it to happen.
But he could not get control of the car. There was no relationship between what he was doing with the steering wheel and brakes and what the vehicle we were in was doing with us. We seemed to pick up speed instead of slow as we swooped sickeningly from one side of the highway to the other until finally, in one excruciatingly long glide, we left the road and became airborne.
I’ll never forget the feeling of that—flying in the car—and also how long that moment was, though I’m sure it was over in a flash. In this strange span of time, I understood that I was probably going to die in something like five seconds and my feelings about that moved from so deeply sad to so deeply accepting so quickly that it’s astonishing to remember it now. No! Please! Okay! is what I thought with breathless clarity. The other thing that happened in that glimmer of time between leaving the road and landing wherever we’d land was that neither my ex-husband nor I braced ourselves. Instead, we simultaneously reached to clutch each other with both of our hands and, together, in the same instant, shouted I LOVE YOU!
And then, instantly, we went down. Nose first. There was a tremendous slow motion thud followed by a ferocious blur as we tumbled end over end over end over end until at last we came to a stop among the trees.
It was so silent then. I don’t know if there’s ever been a moment so silent in my life since. Me. My ex-husband. The road somewhere like a mute film of a far off dream. We looked at each other. It took me a while to understand that we were upside down, hanging by the seat belts that had saved us. We were covered in tiny blunt shards of glass and drenched with a red liquid that I later comprehended was wine—bottles we’d brought along for the evening’s festivities that had shattered in the tumult. But we were alive.
I was shaken by the accident, but not for the reasons it would seem I’d be shaken—not the frightful careening or the terrifying flight or the violent tumbling. I was shaken by the beauty of that moment when my ex-husband let go of the steering wheel and we both did and said the exact same thing without thinking about it or agreeing upon it or hesitating. In the end, we clutched each other and shouted our love. I didn’t want to die, but if I was going to, I was glad to be doing it with him. It’s one of the purest revelations of my life.
This, even though I was already aching to leave him. Even though a little more than two years later I did. Even though it’s been more than a decade since I’ve even spoken to him.
You may wonder what any of this has to do with you, Despair Girl, and I’ve wondered the same thing. But in the eleven weeks since you wrote to me it’s the story that keeps surfacing when I ponder your conundrum. Maybe it’s because I can feel you almost viscerally sliding down the empty road, knowing you’re going to crash but not knowing what it is you’ll crash into. Maybe because the question you’re up against is who you’re going to grab when you go airborne. Maybe it’s because at the time of this car accident I was basically where you are, in the gnarly thick of transformation, and I didn’t know where I was going to land or how.
I used to see a butterfly in my mind’s eye every time I heard the word transformation, but life has schooled me. Transformation isn’t a butterfly. It’s the thing before you get to be a pretty bug flying away. It’s huddling in the dark cocoon and then pushing your way out. It’s sitting there in your pajamas, pregnant with your second child, flirting on Facebook with someone you dated in high school. It’s imagining you might leave your husband for a man you’ve seen only once during the most stressful time in your adult life and thinking it will work out. It’s the messy work you have ahead of you, Despair, of making sense of your fortunes and misfortunes, desires and doubts, hangups and sorrows, actions and accidents, mistakes and successes, so you can go on and become the person you must next become. The one who doesn’t wallow in her own despair.
It doesn’t surprise me everything seems like its unraveling for you right now. These recent years during which you’ve become a mother have been radically transformative, for both you and your marriage. Having children is the greatest joy for most parents, but it’s also a major mindfuck. All the terms change. Some are rewritten for you, others you rewrite yourself—personally, practically, professionally, romantically, sexually, financially, logistically and otherwise.
My own marriage to Mr. Sugar during those first few postpartum years was not so different from yours. We were more bonded than ever because we needed each other like never before, but there was loneliness and anger too. After our second child was born we slept in separate beds for months so I could dedicate my nights to tending to our newborn while he tended to our toddler. One time I got so mad at Mr. Sugar about the fact that every time he goes to the grocery store he only manages to remember half the stuff we need, I stabbed him in the thigh with my toothbrush. One time I brought our kids to their preschool and I came home and told Mr. Sugar that I had the impulse to ask one of the preschool dads I’d chatted with at drop-off to go with me to a hotel, where we would spend the morning fucking each other’s brains out. Not because I had any real desire for this other fellow. Not that I wanted to cheat on my beloved and hot Mr. Sugar. But because I wanted to spend the morning with someone who wanted to fuck my brains out who was not also someone whom I’d stabbed with a toothbrush in the course of a conflict about groceries.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you began your online emotional affair while you were pregnant with your second baby and mothering your first. Nor is it surprising that you reached back in time and sought solace and excitement with a man who knew you long ago, who desired you before you were a mother and clobbered by all that being the primary caregiver of two small children entails. You say that you’re aware that your outsized feelings for your ex and your justifications about the affair you’re having with him are cliché, but your self-awareness does not let you off the hook. Instead, it tells me you already suspect what you don’t want to know: that this ex, as particular as he seems, could be anyone. That what you have with him is so steeped in fantasy it might be made entirely of smoke. That your affair with him is not about you and him, but rather you holding up a mirror to yourself, your every desire for a different life reflected back to you.
And that the whole shebang is stoked by lust. Which is famously unreliable as a life plan.
I feel sort of like an asshole saying this to you because I know your feelings for your ex are terribly real. I sympathize with your heartache. But I would be remiss not to tell you in the most direct terms possible that pretty much nothing you said about your husband makes me think you can’t work it out with him if you want to and everything you said about your ex sounds sketchy to me. Not because he’s sketchy—I trust he’s a perfectly lovely human being—but because you, Despair Girl, hit a patch of black ice and right now you’re careening around, unsure where or when you’ll stop. Do any internal alarm bells go off when you hear yourself say that a man you’ve known almost exclusively online in the course of a year-long off-and-on illicit affair makes you feel “complete”? Anything go beep, beep, BEEP! when you review the portion of your letter in which you mention in passing that you and your husband had “sort of improved things until” you began your affair?
I think the answer is yes. I think that’s why you wrote to me. I think your lusty virtual fantasy love is your delicious escape from a marriage strained by too much drudgery and resentment. And yet, where has this delicious escape brought you? To the place where you’re in so much pain you ponder crazy things like killing yourself, that’s where.
You have to go somewhere else, sweet pea. You have to move beyond despair. You have to find the next version of yourself, the more evolved iteration of the woman you used to be.
You don’t do that by choosing between accepting your misery with one man you love or giving way to the fantastical idea of another. You do that by coming to terms with who it is you’ve become and doing the emotional work it requires to let that woman fly. That’s where I was on that day in 1991 when I truly thought I was going to die: a woman about to lacerate the shit out herself while pushing away her own cocoon. When that SUV left the road, it wasn’t just any day. It was the last day of the year in which my mother had died and everything that year had changed.
I was on the brink of being forced to change too. I left a man I loved so much I was content to die beside him. I did it because my purer revelation—more pure than my love for him—was that I couldn’t be the person I’d become while committed to him. In another time, in my marriage with Mr. Sugar, I’ve had transformations that led me in the other direction—toward a richer, more profound commitment, and a happier one too.
I can’t say which it’s going to be for you—whether you should reinvest in the intimacy you have or squander it for the promise of a new love. But I know you have to work harder to find the answer that’s within you. The truth will come to you once you stop careening. Don’t brace yourself. Clutch onto whatever you love the most when the tires leave the road.
Yours,
Sugar
64 responses
“but he has already told me that he’ll fight me for custody to his last breath if I try to leave him.” that statement gives me pause. it is threat, coersion, whatever you want to call it. it is manipulative. it is emotionally abusive. sugar may have missed something when she tells despair girl that pretty much nothing about her husband suggests they couldn’t work it out if she wants to. certainly that little clue gives rise to wonder if there’s larger reason why despair girl’s in despair, not confident enough to move out of the dark place and reclaim her life. emotional abuse can do that to a girl.
Whew. This was a hard one, and yet, not so hard. Everything Sugar has said here is spot on. Fantasy over real life? Usually wins. However, unless the uncharted waters lead one to “home”, fantasy tends to become its own drudgery because it doesn’t really fulfill one in the long run.
I think, deep down, you know the answer. You just have to listen to yourself and do what needs to be done. Whether it allows fantasy or not to be part of the package.
I think part of the trap we all get into as married folks is thinking that we’re never going to feel any different. We think in terms of beginnings and ends, but not in terms of being and sometimes when this right now is unbearable, we don’t think it will ever change. We want how romantic love feels, but feelings come and go no matter who we are with. We all have to decide who we are. These are good words Sugar, and the other thing I would suggest to Despair Girl would be to communicate. Despair Girl, be as honest as you can with your husband. Talk about how sad and alone and angry and tempted you have been. It may lead to anger, yes, but you would be digging at the root of the problem, intimacy, real intimacy and if you can look each other and KNOW that neither one of you has been perfect and build on that, it will do nothing but strengthen your relationship.
Sugar, this is absolutely gripping and spot on, thank you. Despair Girl, I wanted to add that I was once in your ex’s shoes. I was in love with a married man with two kids. We, too, kept it to an emotional affair, both of us feeling too much guilt and torment to take it to a physical level. He seemed like the answer to everything. We were so in love I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop crying and thought of suicide every single day. We set dates in the future where we would break all contact. That date would come and we’d follow through for a bit, but then would fall back into our patterns.
I couldn’t live with the idea of him leaving his wife and coming to me, our love forever tainted with that guilt. So we finally parted ways, agreeing he would come find me if he ever left his wife on terms unrelated to me. Like Sugar says, I think deep down I already knew the truth, that this wouldn’t work.
And it was awful. Like any breakup, I went through the torment of losing someone I loved so deeply. I soldiered on and eventually, felt normal again. In fact, I felt great! I was relieved I hadn’t pushed him to end things for me. I even met someone new, someone so much better for me, and someone I can’t imagine being with out. I am ashamed when I think back to the affair and wish I hadn’t let it go on as long as it did. I’m also ashamed at how much I recovered, that I was able to move on at all. We all get trapped sometimes, but the decision you’re contemplating, there’s no returning back to normal afterwards. Take time with your choice, you’ll be amazed what you can recover from.
When I read Sugar’s reply it made my body shake. I’m not sure why yet. Powerful, powerful. Flashback? The adrenaline of the truth?
Thanks, Sugar for the image that the cocoon is already the transformation. I’ll think of that when I’m next in a cocoon. Tomorrow. Tonight.
Finally: good luck, Despair Girl! I bet you will be glad later, if you stay.
Sugar, this was a beautiful, standout column.
The last lines, especially:
“You have to work harder to find the answer that’s within you. The truth will come to you once you stop careening. Don’t brace yourself. Clutch onto whatever you love the most when the tires leave the road.”
SO GOOD. Can’t wait to meet you on Tuesday!
Oh Despair, I wish I could have a glass of wine with you and share my story of careening across the black ice and choosing the fantasy I’d concocted in my mind over a solid marriage to a good man (albeit one that took some hard hits while raising kids, giving in to demanding careers, and too little tender time spent nourishing the good stuff). I came clean with my good man and we’re finding our way through the aftermath of my affair. And all of the hard times that led to my affair. And we’re coming out of it stronger, damaged, wiser, and yet more fragile all at once. We were separated for several months and I’m here to tell you that there’s *nothing* that can prepare one for the sheer soul-crushing pain of being away from your children as the result of a separation. If you have even the slightest shred of hope for your marriage grab on to that with all of your might, open up and be honest– with yourself– and fight like hell to make it through the storm together. Sugar– I love you woman!
I too was once in your place Despair Girl. It started with an online “affair” that was never consummated, though it was all consuming for over a year, and ended in a real life affair with a dad at my children’s school. I too had young children and had no idea how I would live my life on my own. I did finally get on some medication on my therapist’s advice (for a while), which did not solve my problems, but did help me get out of bed and make some decisions. What I finally had to do, despite the passion of the affair, was to ask myself and pray fervently to decide if I wanted to be married to this man or not. Not if I wanted to be with the “other man” but if I wanted to be with my husband or not. I finally decided, in what was just kind of a clear revelatory moment, that like Sugar said, I was never going to become who I am staying with my husband, and that some way I would be alright without him, whether or not the other man stayed in my life. And I am alright. I am in fact much better. Life isn’t easy, but it is good. And, interestingly, after many years, some breakups, getting back together, and a LOT of learning about ourselves and each other and how to be in a relationship, the other man and I are still together too. But I would have been ok without him, I just never would have been me with my ex-husband, that’s what I hope you can think about. Good luck to you……
Sugar,
You are a warrior!! You gave the only advice that can ever stand up for someone and that is advice through experience!!! Exceptional!!! I hope she hears you! I’m sure she will!!!
Another very thoughtful column, and the accident was so powerfully described, I felt right there with you, Sugar.
To Despair, I wanted to say that even though you mention that “it’s hard to believe that my problem is medication-requiring when it seems so situational,” your body might still require medication or other forms of treatment for depression to get better. The situation might be the trigger on a genetic predisposition to depression, and it’s really necessary to get it checked out by a doctor you trust.
It’s impossible to make the best decisions if your brain chemistry is off, no matter what your situation is. Best wishes to you, and sending you lots of healing thoughts.
Sugar, where were you when I needed every one of these words said to me five years ago?
I was in such a similar place (sans children) with a man I had loved for many, many years and was about to marry. I confided in him my own despair and the feelings I had for another man– a mere distraction in the face of a troubled relationship. My fiance left me, refusing to work it out or let me flounder. I regret the decision to let myself get wrapped up in the fantasy of another man– I regret it every day, and in my late 30s I am alone and still feel as if I am careening off a cliff.
No one ever said “hang in there”. They said “oh, you’re in a troubled relationship? Leave him and find happiness with Another.” Well, Another only brought abuse and heartache. And I live with the loss of my lover, partner, best friend every day, a man who refuses to speak to me now. It hurts. A lot.
To the original poster, you’ve been given kindhearted advice. Please listen to how it sounds to your heart.
Oh man, thank you Sugar. I adore you, although this is only my second comment ever. But I really feel like I could’ve written this letter (and I have written my own version of it). Thank you for delivering.
I am commenting because (and I don’t mean this as a criticism to Sugar, just an addition) I wish there was more said about the sexual abuse / fetish aspects of the affair. Speaking from my own similar situation (although I am a bit younger and did not have kids), I was married to someone who did not want any part in my recovery from a deeply fucked up, sexually powerful abusive relationship, which (also through therapy) I realized I was still grappling with. I am also a person who normally has it all together, but I found myself before falling asleep having freaky kinky fantasies that had a similar power-play to the fuckedupness of that previous relationship. I wanted to at least TALK to my husband about these fantasies, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with anything involving my recovery/previous trauma/basically anything that was emotionally messy or complicated or scary or vulnerable. We split up in part because I couldn’t tolerate being with a partner who I couldn’t be truly open about myself with. After our divorce I wanted to address these fantasies head-on, so I resumed contact with with ex and am now in a really similar position to Despair, where I am knee-deep in total chaos (that sometimes feels like strong cliches of true love, sometimes feels like utter insanity), trying to figure out what to do. Since I am no longer married and have no kids, my heart goes out to Despair in the even more complicated aspects of her problem.
But I know that in my situation that my previous trauma definitely had something to do with what was in that cocoon, and why I went into it to begin with. There are some sticky, dark places down there. And it is very powerful to feel like you can share that place with someone, even if it’s just on the internet. And it does feel like being trapped if you are with a partner with whom there are these entire swaths of yourself that you cannot reveal, or who rejects them because they are too sticky and dark. This dynamic contributes to even more shame about a trauma that you never asked to happen to you to begin with. In this regard I suspect that the factors of dissatisfaction with the marriage may go beyond “drudgery and resentment,” although I might be projecting here. As the other commenter suggests, only communication will tell.
To return to Sugar’s advice, just because it feels powerful (sexually and otherwise) to go down to those dark places with someone does not mean you want to inhabit them permanently. That is what I’m currently realizing and where this letter/Sugar’s response most resonates with me: “You have to go somewhere else, sweet pea. You have to move beyond despair. You have to find the next version of yourself, the more evolved iteration of the woman you used to be.”
Sorry this is so long. Much love and good luck, Despair Girl. See you Tuesday Sugar!
Thank you for this brilliant and beautiful answer, Sugar. I needed to read it.
To Despair Girl, I agree with Kate Abbott in regards to depression. I would play it safe and consult a doctor you trust before drawing any conclusions on your own. And I definitely agree with Sugar’s last word of advice: Clutch onto whatever you love the most when the tires leave the road.
i agree wholeheartedly with maria. the statement the husband uttered about fighting her to his last breath for custody if she tries to leave him is a clue – a sign of the darkness of this guy, emotional manipulation, and likely emotional abuse. it is not a comment from a man who is offering a loving and trusting partnership with his wife. The normal complicatedness and drudgery of a marriage relationship aside, there is a deeper, darker crack in the foundation here. I don’t trust this guy and I agree with maria and disagree with sugar when she says there is nothing about the guy that suggests she couldn’t work it out if she wanted to. i’d be interested to hear more about “the shitty things he has done” to her in the past few years. sugar’s response is beautiful, and moving, and i think is relevant to many relationships. but i think this relationship has an undercurrent here. all that is going on now in the cocoon, is part of her process – the abuse of her past coming to light, exploration with this man where abuse of her past plays a central role and in which she finds comfort solace and connection, the darkness of her current relationship that she is avoiding with every step – through drinking, smoking, watching tv, etc. i don’t know if the right answer is any one of these two people. so perhaps i disagree with sugar once again. brace yourself indeed, despair girl. do activities where you can lose your mind but not hide (when you are not thinking about it directly, sometimes truths emerge): knitting, yoga and meditation, running, swimming, painting. Keep going to therapy. Trust yourself, trust your process, and continue to hold yourself through it, just as you hold and comfort your tiny children.
I would fight for my children with my last breath, too. Does that make me emotional or manipulative? I don’t think so. If HE wanted to leave HER, don’t you think she would fight for her children with every last breath? I don’t know if people are being quick to judge because a man and father is saying this, or because we’re sensitive to the wording. But, to me, that sounds like something a lot of parents would think.
Another breathtaking column, Sugar. You are changing the world, or at least my heart and mind. Your honesty is striking, as is your kindness, but in that I think we sometimes forget what a great writer you are. Damn.
About the “fight till my last breath” for the children comment. I, too, would fight till the last breath for my kids. Isn’t that a good thing? But more importantly, if you read the letter for context, it seems to me as if Despair is quoting her husband at some time that they were arguing about breaking up. A lot of people say over-heated things in angry moments.
I wish you the best, Despair Girl. Sugar’s advice is solid and deep.
I don’t get the people defending the “fight to my last breath” comment. Are your kids a spoil of war? Will they benefit from their parents going tooth and nail at each other over a failed relationship? You fight for your kids if they’re in danger–this sounds more like you’re fighting over them in an attempt to wound someone who hurt you. The kids are just collateral damage.
I agree with those concerned about the threatened fight for custody. That’s a bad sign, so far as love, trust and maturity go. Letting someone be the primary caregiver for your children day in and day out, and then heartlessly threatening to rip them from her life — that’s a misguided, desperate attempt to keep her bound to him at best, and it’s simply cruel at worst. Either way, it’s a threat absent of compassion for his wife and his children.
I grew up in a loving but troubled household. Like Despair Girl, my mother was the primary caregiver, while my father worked full time and had a lengthy commute. My parents’ relationship was perpetually rocky, but I knew that my father had his children’s best at heart — and the utmost respect for my mother — when he promised he would never, ever separate us from the woman who raised us.
My eyebrow also arched at the “fighting to the last breath” comment. I suspect there is more going on here than DG let us know. I agree that escaping into an online affair isn’t the answer, but reconciling with her husband may not be the answer either.
Also, my parents both “fought to the last breath” over custody of me and my sister, and nothing about their divorce traumatized me as much as the viciousness with which they went after custody of us. Parents may feel that way but it doesn’t mean acting upon it is in anyone’s best interests, least of all those of their children.
omg. this was another day of a number of days over the last two years that I thought of writing to you sugar. about a similar situation that has haunted me. But instead I decide to sit at my computer and catch up on some dear sugars –because I know I’ll be fed in some way even if I can’t related to a particular letter. BUT Low and behold it’s here. my story spoken by Despair. The details are different. Me: Separated single mom, the ex-lover from 12 years ago…that illusive email/chat relationship…the crazy dark fantasy that feels so real. -dipping into the past- of a different me and the taste becomes insatiable. I’ve tried to make sense of why I can’t let go…and keep returning to this going nowhere relationship which now isn’t much of one b/c he has just stopped responding. Surely the guilt has gotten to him, or he is smarter than me. But yet i keep on going back wanting more from him, trying to make sense of a love affair. wanting answers. It is such a tricky place that dark space but somehow I feel a bit more healed reading everyone’s responses. At least that removes the whole I am the only crazy one (while it appears I have it together on the outside) Thank you so much Despair for having the courage to tell us all about your situation. we go down these roads sometimes hoping to find a part of ourselves that seems lost. Maybe hoping to find that torch that illuminates our way out of the darkness of the “careening”. Something to grab. It’s hard Despair i know. I am there. Some life situations have me in a tail spin with no end in sight. You are strong Despair, your heart is strong–that is why you got caught up with the ex, because you are fighting and grasping to get your self out. You just grasped the wrong thing just as I. “Clutch onto whatever you love the most when the tires leave the road”…for me now that is myself and trying to take care of myself. sometimes it is a minute by minute journey. You’ll be alright and will emerge this coccoon. Take the meds for a short time, as Kate Abbott said…you’ll be glad you did. I will sit with this letter and responses for days and reflect on it’s meaning for me, as I get beyond the despair. XO
To everyone who mentioned that the husband’s threat of fighting for custody is emotional blackmail: I do not think that this is necessarily the case. I believe that wanting to fight for custody is gut-reaction to having someone say that they’re going to take your kids away. Beyond all that, most men are very aware that when it comes to custody battles the mother almost always wins. For a father that loves their children, this must be incredibly frightening.
Beyond all that, perhaps he senses that something isn’t quite right with his wife, although he doesn’t know what it is. And, in my experience, when men don’t understand something, they tend to get aggressive in their protection of the things they love. It’s just the way they are.
All I’m saying is that immediately jumping to the conclusion that because he wants to fight for the right to have custody for his kids doesn’t necessarily make him emotionally abusive or any of the other things. He might just be a father who is very scared of losing his kids.
I think it’s a terrible assumption to immediately think this father is manipulative or somehow cruel for that statement. There is no way that Despair Girl’s husband and children aren’t sensing her despair and unhappiness and confusion right now, even if they don’t understand it. I completely understand his reluctance, if the relationship ends, to leave his children alone with someone who seems to be barely capable emotionally of functioning. (This is not intended, BTW, to be seen as a judgement of Despair Girl, just a reflection that her state of mind is liable to be a strong concern to the father.)
If I may respectfully disagree with the following quote: “Letting someone be the primary caregiver for your children day in and day out, and then heartlessly threatening to rip them from her life — that’s a misguided, desperate attempt to keep her bound to him at best, and it’s simply cruel at worst. Either way, it’s a threat absent of compassion for his wife and his children.”
This entirely assumes that the father himself would not be devastated by the loss of his children. It’s very common (in my state anyways) for the father to end up with nothing more than every other weekend with his children. How is this not also cruel and heartless: for a loving father to lose his children because his possibly suicidal and emotionally unstable wife had an online affair and decided to leave him. If I was in this father’s position, you can bet that I would fight to my last breath for my children as well.
As a final note, I do apologize for sounding harsh about Despair Girl’s position. She deserves compassion and support. I describe her situation in such terms in order to show why I feel her husband’s comment about the children was justified.
I can empathize totally with Despair, and with everyone else who has been in this situation. It is such a paradox; at first, it feels as though the new relationship is feeding your soul. Before long, guilt, shame and fear are killing small parts of your soul. There is a point at which the feeling that you are unraveling takes over. Sanity lies in making a choice, in knowing that there is a choice and that it is yours to make.
My therapist says that needs have a way of bubbling up to the surface. So I have learned to ask for what I need. It is an act of bravery, for sure. The possibility that I will be disappointed is there every single time I ask. But I made the choice and part of that choice meant taking that risk.
There is a lovely line in Winnie the Pooh:
“If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”
Keep it in mind, Despair. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. And all of these people here will be with you on your journey to whatever you become next.
I agree with Petra. My husband has also said that he would fight for custody of our children if I left him and although I find that threatening and scary because I would want custody, it also makes sense. He loves our kids as much as I do and is a great father. The thought that he wouldn’t wake up to our children every morning is just as devastating to him as it is to me. Also, having been raised by a single father, I know that men can be just as nurturing, and in some cases more so, than women.
Great column Sugar.
I don’t think we can make judgments about Despair Girl’s husband based on that one line. In most cases of a divorce (with two mostly functional parents), coherent, cohesive JOINT custody is best and is often what judges decide now unless there are extenuating circumstances on either side. Why I can’t imagine having that level of anger toward my spouse to say that, we don’t know what the circumstances are. And since we don’t know the circumstances surrounding it (she indicates that she is primary caretaker and maybe he is envisioning he would see them every other weekend and Wednesday nights and not a 50-50 split) we shouldn’t conclude that he is some abusive, manipulative ghoul. Lord knows if someone took some of the crap I have said and reduced it to one line in a pretty short letter, I would look like a douchebag as well. There are also no promises that this new/old love isn’t also in some ways manipulative. Despair Girl is the only one who can make those calls and with all this good info offered here by Sugar and in the comments, maybe she can take away some insights and apply them to the whole picture she sees.
“I’ve only been aware of the extent of the physical and psycho-sexual abuse in my childhood since starting therapy a few years ago. (I originally started therapy with my husband, pre-affair, and it sort of improved things until this….)”
i doubt leaving your husband and trying to figure out how to live on your own with two small children is going to help. are you running from or running toward? why run?
there’s no way your future is with that guy from high school. it may not ultimately be with your husband, but i doubt the internet man is going to want your problems once you’re “free.”
With respect to you, SleepKitty, I automatically assume a father would be devastated to lose his children — as would a mother. That’s why joint custody is an important solution. But as I said, considering that Despair Girl is currently the primary caregiver for the children, her husband’s statement is far from respectful and not conducive for saving a marriage. It is cruel to her as an individual considering that, as you say, he must be sensing her pain.
If your theory is true, he is currently “leav[ing] his children alone with someone who seems to be barely capable emotionally of functioning” every day. So, he may do so as long as she’s with him, but not if she leaves?
come on now. the children aren’t going to be “lost” to either parent. if the parents divorce, the court will decide on custody. if neither parent is unfit, neither will lose. states have different laws but parents who are cooperative have a lot of leeway in how to interpret custody settlements. it’s unfortunate that kids become pawns and bargaining tools in a divorce but that’s usually because the parents are being dicks, not because the laws are unfavorable to children.
and the poor letter writer isn’t even out the door yet! she hasn’t made up her mind! all she’s done is written a letter to an advice columnist about a tight spot in her life. it seems she has work to do before she goes making life decisions that will alter the course of her and her children’s lives forever.
the father/husband’s comment is the least of her worries.
“How is this not also cruel and heartless: for a loving father to lose his children because his possibly suicidal and emotionally unstable wife had an online affair and decided to leave him.”
This hits an obvious nerve for me, in that it is just the kind of shame pile-on that I mentioned in my comment. Some of this stuff (the suicidal thoughts, emotional instability) goes hand in hand with Despair’s grappling with her dark places, sexuality, and struggles with abuse (that–again–she never asked for to begin with). She is not breaking up her marriage and taking the kids away out of cruelty– she is reaching out to Sugar and trying to get out of her cocoon in order to save herself while wrestling with some really heavy shit. We don’t know if that means she will end up leaving her husband or not, but I don’t think it’s useful to paint her as “damaged goods” carrying out some frivolous and cruel affair without any personal depth behind it. Basically, what Telaina & betsy said in their second comments– we don’t have enough info about the dynamics between Despair Girl and her husband, and it’s up to her to make the choice after having confronted her darkness.
Despair,
As someone who (openly) conducts online romances while staying happily married to her amazing husband of 18 years, I just wanted to tell you that while my husband’s and my solution — online flirtation, where everyone is informed that’s all it will be, is okay, _talk_ is okay, _feelings_ are okay, but SEX with other people is NOT okay — is definitely NOT for everyone, it has given me one critical understanding of my heart.
Which is: I love love love my husband. But I have other sides too, a _pile_ of trauma and things to say and if I were to say them all to him, my lovely not-so-traumatized husband, he would burn out. He wants to know me truly, but sometimes I am like a little kid who burnt her finger and has to tell you 20 TIMES A DAY that she burnt her finger, and sometimes it really really helps to have not just a therapist and a friend and another friend, but that grey-area Internet Person to tell.
But, it’s respectful. What you have now isn’t, but I think it is showing you that you are bigger than your situation and also you have some things you need to say.
It might be worth taking your foot off the gas pedal of the actual affair (because this is really not about that person…it’s about you) and seeing how you can say what you need to say ethically and fully, either in your marriage or out of it.
Dear LW,
Get your head out of your ass and stop living in your fantasy life. Here’s a fact: you will have a relationship with your current husband for the rest of your life, because you have created two children together. What choices you make now will determine the nature of that relationship. By your own admission you are laying around drinking, smoking, and devoting your emotional attention to your affair. Your children and your husband are collateral damage in your own internal war. You have a struggle to figure out what you need in life, yes, but you also have an obligation to these three people, two of whom are completely innocent in this. Stop wallowing and do the work it takes to grow up. I write this from the perspective of the “collateral damage.”
As someone earlier commented, it’s easy to forget what a terrific writer you are Sugar when you provide such sage advice. I love the fact that you don’t get buried in the details, but instead take an overview approach with a heavy sprinkle of realism and compassion. To Despair, if you read these comments, remember, none of us know exactly what you are going through. Even if we did, we would never know the depth of your inner hopes, thoughts, desires. We can pick at the words you chose to explain your situation. That’s the easy part. What’s not easy is the work Sugar has cleverly indicated you have before you. That is, if you’re willing. I hope you do take the challenge to explore what it is you want and the type of woman you are evolving into. Very important work which few of us partake. As noted by a famous writer who’s name escapes me now, “Most people live lives of quiet desperation”. A friend recently commented that “even then, most don’t even know that this is the life they are living”. It seems you know you’re living this type of life. The task now is to wake up, there’s not much time left.
@andrea – hell, girl, maybe you can take over after sugar retires. that was pretty powerful. i’m not teasing. all we commenters have perspectives that are not so objective and yours serves as a warning to the letter writer. you make it clear that what she is doing to her family is destructive, apart from whatever internal struggle she is experiencing. well done.
@betsy — thanks. I have spent the last 6 months suffering with my three children from the fallout of my own husband’s affair, which seems to have been also rooted in his fantasy escape from the pain of his childhood. And while I am sympathetic to the LW’s pain, she has made choices and her choices have consequences. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong and hurtful, but she’d rather wallow in self-pity and drama queen fantasy than face reality. Does she think her children will someday appreciate and understand her selfishness? or will they say boo-fucking-hoo mom? She is a fool if she thinks that this affair has not already had a detrimental affect on her children and her marriage.
I think Sugar’s advice is beautiful and true. And I think when she used the word “escape” to describe the online affair, she was particularly on-target. Maybe Despair Girl is in Despair because she knew her relationship with her husband wasn’t working, but she was pregnant with her second child, and she could not say, or maybe even think, what needed to be said. Now, she’s made the “despair” about the cross-dressing high school boyfriend when he’s just a symptom. Sugar’s right that the way out of this is to move in a new direction. What made you want to escape in the first place, DG? Focus on why you wanted to go and not the familiar trope of “my forbidden love,” and you may find your way out of this. I speak from some experience. My circumstances were different, and I had to leave the marriage because there was documented physical abuse, but it was so tempting for me to imagine that there was someone out there who knew me and loved me so well: someone I was leaving the marriage for. I almost had to believe it so that I wouldn’t look back and get sucked into the morass of the marriage. Keep running toward the idea that there is someone out there for you, DG, but don’t try to put a face or a name to that someone yet. It may be your husband. It may be the emotional affair. Or it may be someone you don’t know yet. In any case, try to keep your wheels on the ground and trust that if they do go airborne, you’ll have something and someone (maybe your kids) to hold on to. I wish you the best of luck.
Sugar, dear, when your direct you can’t be beat. I’ll even put up with all the story and other rigamarole to have you peel back to the essential layers, but you make me crazy when you write stuff like “I did it because my purer revelation—more pure than my love for him—was that I couldn’t be the person I’d become while committed to him.” and “The truth will come to you once you stop careening. Don’t brace yourself. Clutch onto whatever you love the most when the tires leave the road.” I fear letter writers and readers will misconstrue or miss the point entirely.
That said, can’t wait to hear all about your coming out party. It’ll be the sweetest knowing the real you.
These words–“I couldn’t be the person I’d become while committed to him”–are exactly why I am divorced. I love my ex in a deep, real way, but we were two people who could only be happy if we were both a little broken…okay, a lot broken, and I didn’t want to be anymore. I found a job I loved and rediscovered the girl I was when I was seventeen–hopeful, joyful, fearless–and she wasn’t the woman he married.
Thank you for writing these words, Sugar. I am so grateful.
I don’t understand why so many parents seem to view their kids as “spoils of war” as one commenter put it. As a person with divorced parents, the most awful part of the process was the custody fight. If both parents are capable, non-abusive, and loving their should both be able to see the children equally. I feel bad for the children in this situation, and I hope the parents are able to be sane enough that they put the kids first, whether they divorce or stay together.
I’m writing this before reading through all of the comments (read through some – very good points all)…
Simple advice:
Drop Fantasy Man. Drop him totally and completely. Cry, wail, wipe your nose and get up. He is not the problem and he is not the solution. He is the drug that is keeping you from dealing with your real life issues.
Go to husband. Get back to working on yourselves together. Don’t mention Fantasy Man (especially if your affair was only emotional). Try like hell to build the best relationship that you can with no outside distractions.
After a reasonable amount of time (say, a year of hard work, different strategies, various therapists, etc), take a look at your relationship. Is it something you can live with?
Decide then what you want to do. Do it. Bear the pain and consequences of your choices – but you won’t feel regretful or suicidal about them, because you made your choice(s) with a clear mind and after hard work and undistracted thinking.
Good luck.
The custody threat is far from the only red flag in this letter:
in so much pain that I’m beginning to be afraid I might kill myself
somewhat unhappily married
aren’t we all both monsters and nice people?
lonely and angry … just a little more so in our case
He’s done shitty things to me … but he doesn’t deserve this
sadder and more depressed and darker and more lonely
so miserable around my husband that sometimes I can barely talk
a powerful guy and very tenacious
trying to love him
accept that this is my life and I can’t change it, but, again, the darkness….
So many of those statements were rattling around my head when a facebook entanglement caused me to finally recognize the emotional and sexual abuse that my marriage had become. Protesting that my husband was such a great guy (except when he was a monster – I spent so much time trying to guess which one I was dealing with in any given moment until I realized he was both, always), that my marriage was so happy (except when the darkness closed in), hoping the fault lay with me & I could medicate my way back to accepting my life, to avoid losing my children. Sugar is almost certainly right that the old boyfriend isn’t Despair Girl’s magical escape (mine certainly wasn’t), but her persistent need is most certainly an alarm bell. My therapist counseled me to figure out what need he filled for me, and when I did, I saved myself.
Sugar, you are amazing and your ability to share a personal life story that brilliantly and metaphorically gives the DG a handle to grab onto is superb.
My personal view of the issue DG faces is that sometimes parents get the idea that they “own” their children and if a separation/divorce should occur then they will have to fight for custody. So this highly emotional response is all too often based on fear of loss. It also clouds the reality of parents love for their children, wanting to provide for them, protect them, help them mature, play with them, enjoy them, contribute to their success, be a salve for their mistakes/failures, and to bless them with a safe and stable home environment. I also wonder if this suffering lass might be plagued with post-partum doldrums, a common ailment of mothers, especially if other issues are contributing to a sense of being alone and without support. Does she have any lady friends? Does she get out of the house? Does she ever employ a sitter? Or take the kids to a day care? Does she have any hobbies, outside activities, any place of volunteerism, a part-time job? Or has she just closed the door of her computer room to flit off to never-never land for the escape to fantasy that helps her momentarily cope with her fear and dread and somewhat self destructive thought life? Another possibility–does she possibly have a mild (or even strong) bi-polar tendency, and in need of appropriate therapy? If I had an inkling that my spouse was closeting herself rather than engaging with the children and the community, I would be very concerned about her state of “affairs.” (pardon the pun–but it seems appropriate–it isn’t just that there is an “ex” high school chum–it is that she is spending time, probably lots of time, communicating, writing, dreaming, pondering, experiencing all of the mentioned feelings of guilt and fear–this must be nearly all-consuming–she is having too many affairs of life–it is grossly interrupting her real life opportunities and responsibilities). And so I wonder if this kind of behavior started much earlier in this young ladies life. Did she escape when she was in junior high and senior high? Did she marry a man who appeared to be able to provide a sense of control for her? Hmmmm, or maybe she married a man who found a woman he thought he could help improve.
And so, in the larger universe of mating and dating and marrying, is it possible that these two people were meant to be together so they could be helpful to each other, even to heal each other of their fears, their wounds of childhood, their inadequacies of emotional and relational life?
My feeling is that few of us have access to skilled counselors/mentors who teach us about these so very important roles in life–and we seldom realize we even need them. We think “if I just do what I think is right, everything will turn out okay.” Or we do seek professional help only to be put into a drug routine that masks the real problems, or even adds to the tendency for self destructive thoughts and even behaviors. Who is helping this young mother create healthful achievable goals for her current life situation? Who is guiding her to positive self-esteem building reading, learning, watching, hearing, seeing opportunities? Who is giving her a safe place to talk … and talk … and talk? I wish her well, but do not believe she can self propel herself upwards. It is going to take concerted effort on the part of a support community.
Am not wise enough to add to the advice already given, but I’m flashing back to a precious moment from a marriage of mine.
My husband and I always went to vote together. One year there was a vacancy for a replacement Town Meeting Member (we lived in New England) from our neighborhood and nobody was even running for it. As a good small d democrat, I wrote in my own name.
As my husband and I were leaving the polling place I saw him smiling in a funny way. I asked, “Did you vote for yourself for Town Meeting?”
He said, “No, I voted for you!”
After that we made a rule that we would vote for ourselves for all uncontested offices. In even years we would both vote for me and in odd years we would both vote for him. One year he actually got into a runoff election for a Town Meeting slot: two people got two votes each. By then I was super depressed and not opening mail (he rarely opened the mail either) and we only saw the notice long afterwards.
These events summed up the awesomeness and also the problems of that marriage. When I left that house I hired a friend who was also a personal organizer to help me go through the big pile of mail in the living room. Now I have all my mail sent to a PO box and I deal with it there. He’s still in that living room, with a delightful housemate and her pets who help cheer him up, and the bare floors are airy and open.
But just as Sugar remembers grabbing her husband’s hand, I will never forget the pleasure of him voting for me and us both making it a habit.
What Quentin said. Though my advice still stands (and is not in contradiction, on the contrary, it would clarfy those points an force the writer to deal with them honestly).
“I’ve always been the person with her shit together, self-sufficient, there in other people’s times of need and so on.”
I’m always amazed that we believe who we are today will be the same person 10 years down the line. And that we’ll be courageous and all that jazz right off the bat when life cuts us at the knees. Sometimes the courageous thing is reaching out to a someone else to help you get up. Which is why this is the best advice, “Clutch onto whatever you love the most when the tires leave the road.”
The details sort of don’t matter. She needs to get up first.
I am worried about the husband. I think that in writing about her new, secret relationship, the writer has not said enough about her marriage. But she describes her husband as “a complicated man, who is also a wonderful man in many ways—aren’t we all both monsters and nice people?” who’s “done shitty things to” her recently. “He has already told me that he’ll fight me for custody to his last breath if I try to leave him. He’s a powerful guy and very tenacious.”
These are red flags to me. These suggest to me that the letter writer is, guiltily, trying to be fair to her husband, trying to recognize the good and lovable in him, but that he is, in fact, hurting her, capable of hurting her more, and willing to hurt her more if he thinks it’s necessary.
I think that if you are in a relationship with a person who is truly good for you, you don’t need to note that we are all monsters in order to explain him. I think it wouldn’t be relevant that he is “a powerful guy” if she did not feel threatened by him.
The letter writer is asking whether she should leave her husband for her new love. I think that there’s another, more immediate question: Should she leave her husband for her own sake, regardless of this other relationship? Would it be good for her to end her marriage even if the other person weren’t involved?
I think the writer needs to listen to this internal voice: “I can correspond with my love for about a month, before the guilt and pain and horror and fear make me stop.”
While I actually think your love might be the guy for you, you have to put this affair on hold while you figure out your marriage. If your love loves you and you love him, he will understand and perhaps if and when you separate from your husband, you can make a go of it unencumbered by the things that make you stop. The things that are mixing you up so much that right now they are making you suicidal. Then figure out if the marriage is salvageable or not without distractions. If you decide to divorce someone who is powerful and threatens a custody battle, it’s better not to be in the middle of an affair.
Many alarm bells ring for me in how you write about this marriage. It is so hard to know when you are in a marriage if you should leave it or not. But once you decide to go (if you do), you’ll know.
As for raising your children solo, you likely won’t have to. Also, the emotional drain of living the life you are living now will be lifted, giving you new energy. You will be stronger in ways you can’t even imagine. Think about what life you want for you and your children, separate from these two men. That self-sufficient woman with her shit together? That’s still you, somewhere. Find her. And get support from your friends. They will amaze you.
Despair Girl look after yourself but look after your children. If you were to leave your husband for your “fantasy man” have you considered what kind of parent he would make? Isn’t this the most important issue at stake here or am I missing something?
Right on to Andrea again. Despair needs a better therapist to help her figure herself out. Also could need medication for serious depression. If I was her partner i would be uncomfortable with her around my kids. Suicide is no joke, feeling like thats your only exit is a flag. Sitting around smoking, drinking, lethargic, freaked out in fantasy land, needs some proper attention.
Sugar- you are a lifeline.
I agree with Dorothea. Alarm bells started going ‘ding ding ding ding’ as soon as I read the description of her husband as ‘complicated’ and then ‘we’re all monsters…’It’s not just about the red flag of the threat to take the children away from her (which should be a red flag for anyone, in any relationship, no excuses – children are not possessions.) Every way the letter writer describes her husband sounds pretty alarming to me.
Whilst I agree that running off with fantasy high school lover is not the answer, this woman sounds very stuck, dealing with huge emotional turmoil, and in a relationship with a man who she cannot rely on for support.
I feel that what the letter writer needs is a true friend, or perhaps a better therapist. I hope very much that she finds her way through this to a better place.
I think it’s a little weird that some people are choosing to speculate on whether or not the husband is emotionally abusive when there is really no evidence for it and there is plentiful evidence that this woman is pathologically selfish, narcissistic, and deluded, even beyond the ken of her self-consciousness. You gave good advice, Sugar. And you did so without insulting the person in question, something I have failed to do myself.
Despair Girl, you write: “It turned out that he is a cross-dresser (I didn’t know about it in high-school) and I’ve always been kind of wanting to be a lesbian, but not really into girls (I’ve tried). We both have serious abuse in our backgrounds. We both feel like together we could be complete, ourselves, intimate in ways that we’ve never even imagined being with another person.”
It seems to me that a cross-dressing guy and an aspirant lesbian do not “complete” each other, at least not in the way you seem to believe they should. A lesbian would be drawn to another woman, not a guy dressed up like one. And while I can’t know what his ideal partner would be, I’d doubt it would be a gay woman.
I only mention this because it strikes me that you are trying to justify your (largely) online relationship as making a kind of natural sense. It really doesn’t. Your personalities may be compatible, and you may make very good and satisfying friends, especially online. But my guess is that you would not make an ideal real world couple for any length of time. Then again, every case is different and only you can know what works for you and what doesn’t.
There’s much good advice here and obviously many people, including me, are pulling for you to work things out.
As someone who has been married several times, and has one child, I would say that the important thing for Despair Girl is to figure out if she is still in love with her husband. Perhaps because my marriages weren’t based on passionate love, I wasn’t content in them, and no amount of therapy, counseling, etc. could make them work. And one way to tell that things weren’t working was the desire to stray (though I did not). But even though I did everything I could to stay with the man I had a child with, it was soul-deadening (and he wasn’t a bad guy — I too find the threat Despair Girl’s husbad made about custody frightening). I think what no one has mentioned is that she says in one place “I’m trying to love him,” and in another that she has already sought legal advice. To me these are red flags that this is a marriage that probably can’t be saved. It may or may not work out with the crush object, but even the fact that something in that relationship is so compelling, indicates that her needs for connection are not being met in her current relationship. Only if she leaves her husband does she have a chance for real happiness with someone more compatible.
Dear Sugar,
I’m re-reading old columns in the absence of new ones to get my Sugar fix. This one is SO beautifully written, just like so many of them. Exquisite. (And the community you have built, with the commenters, is really remarkable too.)
I also bought and enjoyed reading Wild very much (and attending a reading of an excerpt — so fun to see and hear you in person!). Wild is wonderful.
But your Sugar columns are transcendent. Life-changing. Genre-redefining.
I am sad my term as a MacArthur nominator was over before I found Dear Sugar because Sugar is who I would nominate today, over all others, for the genius award.
I just hope your forthcoming book is even more wildly successful than Wild, and that it makes you such ridiculous amounts of money that you will continue on as Dear Sugar for many, many years, so that you can publish many, many sequels composed of the columns you have yet to write here in answer to letters not yet even written.
With fierce love from a devoted reader.
Anyone thinking about suicide is in trouble and should seek professional help !!! I hope Despair girl is getting some help to sort things out.
Ohh Sugar, I want to know everything about your life. Reading your column always puts me in a better mood. Thanks a bunch!
We are not individuals but composites of many, many people–two of whom are our parents, most of whom are relationships, either fleeting or sustained throughout our lives because they offer something richer, deeper, more fulfilling that than the immediacies and proximity of marriage, siblings, extended family. Actually, these alternative relationships tend to be richer because we can enter and leave them whenever we want. I can’t help but think the possibility of escaping and reentering the entrapment of married life, motherhood, and housework are a key to your issues, Despair. Controlling something when everything is so out of control is addictive simply because it offers a sense of power, however fleeting or false. It’s so much harder to accept that Life’s one and only constant is instability; that mistakes are actually miracles, not the foundation for them but the actual gifts of life; that people offer their best at all times—and I mean ALL. It’s equally hard to be kind to yourself when you are at your most vulnerable, smallest and there is a power in sharing that place with someone willing and wanting to mirror their smallest, most vulnerable selves back to you; it’s a gift. But at what cost? At what price?
Many of the comments focus on the language of war–internal, external, custody, etc. It’s war all the time, no? We’re always fighting, struggling, hardly ever at peace thanks to an uncertain future and mysterious past filled with unexplainable trauma language articulates but can’t quite capture. Now what?
Be good to yourself because you deserve to be. Forgive yourself, if only to clear some mental space to solid decision-making: good, honest, pure reflection during a time plagued with chaos and uncertainty. Do not give away your own power simply because you cannot see what your future holds for you. What you have is the moment–NOW–which you can make legendary.
I wish you the best, DG.
Reality check for DG: I seriously doubt that “your love” will be by your side IF and WHEN you have custody of the kids. In other words, once you brought the fantasy relationship to a more real level, EVERYTHING would change. Perhaps, and more than likely, the physical encounters would eventually cease to be amazing. Boredom would set in. I wonder if he would be willing to enjoy the company of your children WITH YOU.
The worst years of my married life were right after giving birth to my 2 children. I was split between LOVING being a mother to my babies, and HATING the father of my children who was totally addicted to porn (internet) at the time. I would be surprised if many couples don’t experience utter frustration, along with sleep-deprivation and having to be parents to a totally-dependent baby 24/7. It is exhausting, and totally un-glamorous.
I hope you have been able to truly distinguish FANTASY from reality, by now. And that you have continued your own healing despite the distractions. Your children will be happier when their mother feels WHOLE again and strong to make her own decisions, not out of fear but out of love.
You may realize that your husband is not the life-partner you desire but that is a decision you would have to make FREE from the pull of sexual desire for another man.
YOU can heal and make the best choices for you and for your children. The rest will follow.
Blessings,
Lulu
I don’t think the focus in your life should be about the choice of this guy or THIS guy. After reading what sugar wrote, your focus should be working on yourself, your life, and your happiness– regardless of what man you are with.
You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Cliche, right?
Its true, though. Your fantasy online relationship is exactly how Sugar put it. It is a mirror which reflects your fantasy life back at you. I also believe that this man you “love” could be anyone. I mean, when you spoke of why you loved him, you didnt give real reasons. Your reason was, “well, hey. I wanted to be a lesbian.”
That is what you will end your marriage over? If you asked me why I loved my fiance, I could go on for quite some time without mentioning anything about his sexuality, even though that is important too.
I think you’re unhappy, I think you are dissatisfied with how your life is going. I think you see bigger and better for yourself, and this man coming in your life was your excuse to act. You were waiting for any reason to throw in the towel, which was made clear by the fact that you want to leave your husband for someone you’ve seen once.
You got it wrong, though. The man you are with is one tiny aspect of who you are and how your life is going. The man you choose doesnt define you, and it is not the most important thing. You want change, but youre taking the easy way out thinking that with a new guy will bring a new life. It wont. Same life, different guy.
This can be changed if you focus on the areas in your life you truly want to improve. When thinking of making a life with the internet man, what is it outside of him that you really fantasize about changing? What aspect of this fantasy life GETS you?
This is probably what you should focus on. Improve your life. Be the person you want to be, work hard to get to where you want to go, while being a great mother to those babies. I guarantee when you find yourself, you will realize that this predicament with the two men just masked the real issue. If your life was the way you wanted it to be, would you love your husband then? I think so. It seems like you have gotten into a habit of blaming him for your unhappiness. I think you give him too much credit and feel that he has the power to change your life, or it is up to him to make your life great. It isn’t. Its up to you. I wonder how you would feel about him once you found yourself and developed your life in the ways you felt need developing. If the resentment of him working while you take care of the kids in a not so glamorous but completely realistic way ends (not his fault, by the way), would you love him then?
I think you blame him for being average, a bored mother. I think you need to take control of your life, stop seeing motherhood as a REASON to resent a man, stop seeing motherhood as a death sentence. It’s unfair to you, your husband, and your kids. THEY did not do this to you. Take ownership of your life choices and embrace them. Don’t put so much power in the hands of other people when it comes to your life. It is not their life, nor did they force you to do anything youve done. Until you value personal responsibility and showing accountability in your life, you will never learn or progress.
Oh, Sugar, your response is brilliant and beautiful and spot-on and heartbreaking in its honesty. But, really, is anybody — ANYBODY — ever really that strong? Let me rephrase that: Is any WOMAN ever really that strong? Marriage and parenthood exact steep tolls on our energy, our vitality, our individuality, not to mention our bodies, brains, psyches, and souls. I think once you reach a certain stage of life — responsible spouse, parent, caretaker, citizen — everyone faces this dilemma to a certain extent, some perhaps more acutely than others. Yes, You have to move beyond despair. Yes, You have to find the next version of yourself, the more evolved iteration of the woman you used to be. But at what cost? Do we leave our spouse, perhaps even walk out on our children, like Julianne Moore’s character did in The Hours, because it truly seems like the only viable alternative to suicide (thus ruining her son’s life and causing him to forever call her “The Monster”)? Do we stay and throw our energy into taking care of others, some of whom genuinely need us to take care of them (kids, pets, disabled parents), thus becoming the all-too-familiar chronically exhausted, resentful, angry and/or overweight and/or addicted and/or alcoholic partner/mother who loses all sexual interest in her husband (or, come to think of it, loses all sexual interest in pretty much anything)? At what point do we allow ourselves to indulge in the idea that we are “losing our minds,” and when do we push such notions aside as indulgences we can’t afford, because we have to Keep Calm and Carry On? When asked about her daily life, the post-modernist poet Olena Kalytiac Davis said (rather cleverly I think): “My life consists mostly of getting my kids raised, or at least getting them dressed.” And is the scenario any different if we have a history of trauma? Yes. And no. We’re all miserable. We’re all unfulfilled. We all walk around with heavy hearts, filled with loss and grief and resentment and unfulfilled dreams. Let me tell you, Sugar, I have been an insight-oriented psychotherapist for about 20 years now, and I really feel like the older I get, the less I know, both about myself and about the human psyche in general. We’re a profound mystery. We are profoundly sensitive, and we are profoundly flawed. We will most certainly hurt the people we love. We are one great big beautiful mess. Sometimes the beautiful dominates. Sometimes the mess dominates. As one of my friends (a wife and mother) recently posted on Facebook, “All I’m asking for is one day without vomit.” That seem like a reasonable place to start.
I know I am really late to the party. I just discovered Dear Sugar.
This column really hit me deeply. I was Despair Girl, with some of the details slightly different.
I went through the abyss (my lover left me and I spent over year in shock and depressed), did the work (medication; therapy; left my ‘complicated’ husband because it was the right thing to do; and spent all my energy on my wonderful children), and came out the other side better and stronger (new job, new outlook, happy, awesome supportive friends).
But I can’t get over it; can’t get over him.
I have a new love finally – He’s so wonderful and kind and healthy for me. Better than my ex husband and my ex lover.
But the ex lover stands as the love of my life. I’m not sure how to get over this last hurdle and really move on with my life. It’s been 3 years. Does it ever get easier?
Had to respond, if only to add my voice against the “fight to my last breath” for custody. I would fight to my last breath for my children to get enough time with their dad (my ex). Our divorce was quick and painful (my affair was the catalyst that ended a marriage that shouldn’t have begun) but never once have we used our children as pawns. Custody is split almost 50/50, and we are actually better with each other now as coparents than we were as spouses. I’m lucky, I know, but it seems like a Solomonic kind of puzzle….fighting their dad for custody of my kids is only going to pull them apart.
And that threat isn’t a good way to keep someone to stay – my affair partner is now my boyfriend as he finalizes his own divorce, and stayed much longer than he should have because of that very threat. His ex (understandably hurt at his betrayal) has done everything she can to use their children to strengthen her position. Holding someone with a threat isn’t a real hold.
It seems like affairs (physical or emotional) often serve as a catalyst for change when we can’t find another one. An affair irrevocably changes things – it either gets you out of a relationship, or it shakes you and your partner up enough to re-examine and re-invent your entire relationship. I suspect that what Despair Girl is craving is change, and that’s the purpose this affair is serving. She’s just not sure yet what direction she wants the change to go in (stay or leave?) and that it’s the being in limbo that’s killing her. Once she plants her feet firmly in one of those (very difficult) directions, then I think things will start to improve.
Reading these comments, years after the letter was published, I can see that someone forgot a crucial concern: does this not sound like a lot post-natal depression? Self-harm? Dark thoughts? Etc.?
Yes, there are other concerns (past abuse, “powerful” husband who has done some bad things to her) but the thing about depression is that it is makes situational stuff seem extra tough. It’s not about whether something is situational or depression — it could be both. Depression can be caused from a situation, triggered from a situation, or be caused by a blip in brain chemistry, or…post-natal depression. Before anything else (except for making sure she was not at risk for harming herself immediately), I would rule out post-natal depression, before tackling the issues of safety in relationship, relationship issues, affair, history of abuse, sexual identity, and, of course, the children’s safety.
Just my very belated two cents!
This answer is very late, but I’m so much in agreement with the comments saying the husband is abusive, especially Quentin’s many red flags. It’s hard to recognize emotional abuse when you’re in it. It’s designed to diminish you and make you doubt yourself, and it’s so despessingly common. You find yourself constantly making excuses and apologizing for the abuser’s behavior, even to yourself. It also adds to depression and suicidal thoughts, and feeling like there’s no way out. Your spouse should be on your team- he should be solicitous and caring, not making veiled threats about what will happen if she leaves him. I sincerely hope she moved on, with or without the new man.
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