CANADA
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Canada.
Most of the time I forget that Canada exists, but I was reminded of it this weekend when Glee star Cory Monteith passed away in Vancouver. He was a bright, charismatic, talented actor with great comedic timing, and his death is a tragic loss. If Canada never existed he might be with us today.
In some ways Canada is like the attic of America. It’s cold and mostly empty and even though it’s right there, no one really ever thinks to go into it. One major difference is that Canada doesn’t allow pornography, but most attics I’ve been in is where pornography is stored.
Since attics usually have ghosts in them, and Canadians are so friendly, Canada would be more like whatever attic Casper the Friendly Ghost lives in. And in that attic, Casper would have great health care and no guns. Although I suppose health care wouldn’t do him much good.
It’s a wonder anyone wants to leave Canada. When I see Canadian celebrities living it up in America, all I can think of is how they abandoned their country for fame. I’m never able to see the talents of people like Barry Pepper or Sarah McLachlan because I’m too blinded by their lack of patriotism.
Canada has produced a lot of celebrities, but most of it’s population isn’t famous at all. Have you ever heard of Dabisha Havenburgh? What about Neil Wallphomp? Neither have I. In fact, I can’t even verify that anyone with those names even exists. That’s how unfamous most Canadians are.
Even though Canada is a really big place, most of the citizens crowd together down near the U.S. border. I know it’s colder farther north, but it’s not like heaters and jackets don’t exist. Penguins have no problem living in the snow, so why not just make some jackets out of penguin skin? That stuff must be super warm.
It’s funny to me that more Canadians don’t try to sneak into America the way Mexicans do. I think it’s because of the walls we put up between us and Mexico. When you can’t have something it makes you want it more.
Canadian coins are so similar to American coins that they often wind up in my change. They are inferior to American coins in that vending machines will reject them. They are superior, however, in that they are magnetic. I think that’s caused by the North Pole or something.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing toothpaste.
9 responses
I never thought of Canada as the Attic of America, but I guess you are right. Interesting that Mexico would then be considered the basement or sewer. Kind of racist in a architectural kind of way, I think.
Great perspective. What would interest me on the subject is how Canadians see Americans. Do they assume that we are ignorant, gun toting wackos? (Very strict gun laws in Canada, you know….)
Terrence Crimmins: we try not to, but it’s hard sometimes, eh?
G’day Ted,
I love Canada because they are part of the Commonwealth like Australia. Also, Rush are Canadian which makes Canada way cooler than the USA; even though the USA has Anvil and Metallica and They Might Be Giants.
Take care
G
America is an unfinished basement full of grandpa’s old guns that we’re afraid to venture into in case we get shot. *Canadian busily deleting all pornography after being informed by this post that it’s illegal*
GTRANE: the US has Anvil?
THE US HAS ANVIL?!
Anvil are Canadian!
If we were a bellicose culture, we would have already declared war against you over this.
-G.
What do canadians think of America?
Well we both have wackos. We have Don Cherry and you have Rick Perry. The difference is that Don Cherry coments on hockey games, while Rick Perry runs for president. jesus!
I enjoyed reading the story about the Alaska Gold Rush where some Americans, not being able to find gold in them there hills, would try to cross into Canada as their normal gun toting selves. There were stopped by the Mounties, who informed them that if they wished to keep their guns that they would have to go back the other way.
Geez Juepucta, easy mistake to make, you all sound the same to us simple folk. Next thing you’ll be telling me something crazy, like Neil Young is really a Canadian or some such.
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