Ted Wilson Reviews the World #197

QUICKSAND
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing quicksand.

When most people think of sand, they probably think of the beach or sandcastles. Not me. I think of the worst sand there is, which is called quicksand. Quicksand is a type of sand that swallows you whole, never to be seen again.

It would be interesting to pit quicksand against a black hole and see which one has more suction power. Perhaps this is an experiment for the scientists at CERN. If you’re a scientist at CERN reading this, please post the results in the comments below.

I’ve never encountered quicksand myself, because I’m risk averse. If I see suspicious looking sand, or if I know there’s an area where someone has gone missing, even if it’s just the mall, I avoid that area. I even go as far as to wearing snowshoes to the beach as added protection. (Beach tip: snowshoes are difficult to swim in. Remove before swimming.)

A lot of mystery surrounds quicksand, such as whether or not there are any dinosaurs inside, and what the flavor of quicksand is. Only those who have been taken by quicksand know what it tastes like. As for dinosaurs, I would say probably. But they’d be dead by now, so the real danger is suffocation, not dinosaur mauling.

One of the most terrifying depictions of quicksand I’ve ever seen was in an episode of Perfect Strangers. I was very worried Cousin Larry might die. I couldn’t stand to watch and had to turn the TV off and wait a week to see if the next episode was his funeral or not. It wasn’t, it was one of those flashback episodes that no one wants to watch.

Quicksand would be a very good way to hide things you don’t ever want found. I can’t in good conscience recommend it as a place to hide a body, but if you’re a magician, it would be perfect for hiding something that you made vanish. I hope I didn’t just ruin any magic tricks.

If you see quicksand, please report it to the quicksand hotline. I don’t know what their number is, or even if they exist, and I don’t have time to look them up because this review is due in a few minutes.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing yarn.