FUNNY WOMEN #125: My Almost Valentine

By

Hey [Name Redacted],

I just wanted to reiterate that I had a great time at dinner two weeks ago and remind you that I would be willing to get together again. My email has been acting strange lately, so you might not have gotten my last message, and if you wrote after we met up, Hotmail may have misplaced it. I’m including a backup email address, home address, and phone number (for calling or texting) under my signature.

I also wanted to clarify a few things I said that night, just in case they were misconstrued.

When you said your mom had cancer but just beat it, and I responded with, “That’s great,” I wonder if you thought I was saying “that’s great” about having cancer and not about beating it, and maybe that’s why you haven’t responded to my first email about what a great time I had getting dinner. I have a friend with cancer, and was born in July, so obviously I’m familiar. Sometimes when I’ve had six merlots, things come out a little cockeyed.

I just got a new E-ZPass and would be completely fine with any date that involved driving your mom across the river to Sloan Kettering for follow-ups while we have a romantic dinner, andDaly1 then we can all take a leisurely drive back to Fort Lee together. I apologize again if my comment was misinterpreted.

Also, when I said I wasn’t Jewish, I just meant that I wasn’t born into the actual religion. However, I have a lot of Jewish friends and know how to spell all the holidays. I also like eating rugelach and am thrifty and have an overbearing mother. Incidentally, I always thought that if I had children (eventually, of course; no pressure) and the kids were a boy and girl, that I would name them Ross and Shoshana.

And another thing—when I said I like pretty much any music except rap, and you responded that you just saw Nelly twice in concert, I meant obviously that Nelly would be an exception, as she’s extremely talented. I actually love rap when it isn’t violent, doesn’t alter the King’s English, doesn’t use “sampling,” doesn’t distort the vocals, and doesn’t include the word “bitch.” I must have played my MC Hammer CD I don’t even know how many times sophomore year! As Hammer says, I’m too legit. I’m too legit 2 quit.

I think I mentioned wanting to have kids—in fact, I also referred to it in this email a few paragraphs up, with the sentence beginning, “Incidentally, I always thought that if I had children (eventually, of course; no pressure).” If I made you feel in any way pressured, then I want to clarify that I certainly don’t expect it to happen in the near future. Obviously, being forty-eight, I can’t wait another ten or twenty years, but I meant it makes me happy when I see them on the street. (Not literally “on the street”; my friend’s kid got hit by a bus and the bill was insane.) I’d also be open to raising children in the Jewish religion and buying them presents for Hannukah and Yom Kippur and such.

Also, when I said I don’t like Mexican food, I only meant that I dislike the way it tastes in my mouth and the way I feel after consuming it. However, I find its presentation very pleasing. I also want to support a nationality of people who are often Daly2discriminated against in our country. I myself have fallen asleep beside a cactus, so I know how that feels. I’d be open to eating at a Mexican restaurant as long as they offer wings, burgers, hot dogs, etc.

I’d write more, but I have to cut this short. I’m off to Victoria’s Secret to pick up some things. If you write back and don’t hear from me right away, then it might be because I had to go to a few different stores to find items slim-fitting enough for my waist and ample-fitting enough for both my breasts.

I apologize again if you already wrote back and I missed it somehow. In the digital revolution, it’s hard to know how someone really feels. In case you don’t plan to write back, I want to note that I’d be open to pretty much anything you want to do next time, and I don’t just mean sports or the outdoors. I neglected to mention in the paragraph above about shopping that I’m getting some leather items and a spatula. Also, I just remembered how you said that you haven’t seen your grandfather in Florida in several years and that he’s getting old. I could pay for us to go down there right away. My grandmother died once, so I know how it is.

If you are still not interested, I wanted to mention that I was left a lot of money last year.

I also really like lots of sex, quite frequently, in all the ways.

OK, really have to go, as the phone is ringing and it might be you.

Matzel tov,

T

***

Rumpus original art by Annie Daly. Purchase Annie’s art here.

***

Please submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first: our updated Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.


Caren Lissner's humorous first novel, Carrie Pilby, is being made into a movie. She is presently finishing a new novel and a screenplay. She lives and writes in Hoboken, NJ. You can read more of her writing at carenlissner.com. More from this author →