You question, Sugar answers

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Hey Sugar (what a cool name btw),

I would love to know what to do in this situation (because it keeps happening to me). Say you hear news about a friend through Facebook–does this count as actually having “heard” the news, or do you need to wait until your friend tells you the news in-person before you respond? In the past month, I learned that a friend was pregnant through her Facebook page and that another friend was getting divorced (she changed her status).

Do you then take that as having been told and either congratulate or condole when you see the person?

Cheers,
Alison

 

Alison,

This is the kind of question you should send along to Prudence. She’s better on cyber-etiquette than I am, even if she is a dirty slut. I mean that as a compliment.

Facebook.

Oh Christ.

I’m going to pretend you asked me a more compelling question.

 

Dear Sugar,

If my friend got a religious icon lodged in an inappropriate orifice and then announced this on Facebook, would it be alright to for me to blow a real cute and basically willing teenage boy? (I am a Minister.)

Fondly,
Rev Party n Play

 

Dear PnP,

Yes. But you HAVE to change your Facebook status.

Sugar

 

Dear Sugar,

I have a 9-6 job where I am a “normal,” however, I consider myself to be a creative person who doesn’t really like the following: having a boss or responsibilities, waking up before noon, or being under-appreciated for the genius I could be if I had more free time. I also have a feeling the company that employs me “looks down on” me blogging while I should be working, and I “look down on” myself for working when I should be blogging. If I quit, I’ll have no money for food or entertainment. If I don’t, I’ll be plagued by an existential crisis of not living the life I’ve picked out for myself. What do I do?

Fondly,
Otherwise Employed

 

Dear OED,

This is pretty easy. First thing: keep blogging. In fact, blog more. Blog so much that your “asshole” “bosses” are forced to “fire” you. Then blog about what pricks they are. Excoriate their “management” strategy. Spill a bunch of “trade” secrets. Oh, and say some mean stuff about their “genitals.” This should lead to a movie deal. Actually, it’s a blog, right? I sort of forgot, because it’s been a while since I actually read your question. But I’m pretty sure you were talking about your blog. Let me repeat the last part of that sentence, so it sort of sinks in what a genius you are: you were talking about your blog. Right. So the thing to do, after you write about your smelly ex-bosses, is to meet with publishers. That’s what Jesus would have done, and he was sort of like God’s blogger, only instead of typing his hands were hammered onto a cross by Mel Gibson. Mention unique visitors. Use the word “platform” as both a verb and a noun. Have Toni Bentley supply a pre-pub blurb. And make sure her ass writes the blurb. Because her pussy may lie, but her ass always tells the truth. Then do the movie deal. I’m sorry. I keep forgetting. Are we talking about your blog?

 

Sugar,

Is there an age at which young, reckless, and tipsy turns into smelly clothes and a gin blossom nose? Because I’m seriously concerned about my soon-to-be 26-year-old uncle.

Thanks,
Dutifully in Denial

 

DD,

Your question shows a lot of maturity. Alcohol dementia is no joke. It can strike as early as ten, though I’ve seen cases as young as six. The poor little fuckers. Maybe there’s some way you can spread awareness of this menace, without actually confronting your already demented 25-year-old uncle. Do you, by any chance, blog?