DEAR SUGAR: “If you’re so hot, anon, why not sign your name and include a pic of your amazing wonderpuss?”

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Dear Sugar,

I recently moved from a small community of people whose ideas were radically different than mine, to a larger community filled with people whose ideas are almost banal in their similarity.  I find myself often let down by conversations with new people – there’s no spirited argument when everyone feels the same.  I don’t miss smacking myself in the head half of the time the people around me open their mouth, but I do miss talking to people in a way that seems like we’re both attempting to hear and be heard, and to understand where our differences come from.  It’s not about rectifying the differences, but being open to them and feeling comfortable when able to co-exist.  Without that, I’m finding my interactions with people quite boring – my contributions included. How do I get rid of the defense mechanisms ingrained that tell me I have to battle to be heard?  When everyone is already listening, I have nothing to say.

– Jejune

 

Dear Jejune,

I’m sorry, what were you saying?

 

Dear Sugar,

I’m having sex with someone who comes super quickly—like, 15 seconds. Otherwise they seem like they have the potential to be really good in bed. What can I do, besides stop being insanely hot?

Thanks,
Anonymous

 

Dear Anon,

If you’re so hot, anon, why not sign your name and include a pic of your amazing wonderpuss? That’s what I’d do.

As for the Q, it sounds like your partner is engaged in Twittersex. It’s all the rage with the kids. Anything worth doing these days should happen in 30 seconds or less. That’s why all the new memoirs are just six words, and News Reports About Grave Threats to Our Species average four seconds. So of course sex has to be accelerated, just to keep pace. What’s YOUR problem, anon? Can’t you just put your clit on speed-dial?

At this point I’d like to reiterate something vital: I’m not Dan Savage. Any sexual advice I dispense is not coming from some vast storehouse of data, but being pulled – in under 30 seconds! – from my ass. But let’s start here: open your mouth and – rather than inserting your guy’s rapid-fire cockhammer – speak to him about your concerns.

Crazy, I know.

Try a nice little ice-breaker such as, “I’d like us to orgasm together. Can we talk about how to make that happen?” Or, “I really dig having sex with you, but I want it to last longer.” Or, “Please stop cumming on my rug.” Any of these will work, unless this guy’s a real tool, in which case good riddance.

There’s jillion ways to slow the flow. But none of them matters until you start using your mouth part to communicate your needs and desires. Or you can just keep tolerating your li’l twatter and lamenting your own spurtalicious self.

 

Dear Sugar,

I just got out of a four-and-a-half year relationship – my first and only relationship. I’m in my mid-twenties and feel like I should be out meeting people and dating, but I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. All my friends are in relationships, I don’t get approached in bars, and online dating seems weird and expensive. What’s a girl to do?

Sincerely,
Hot to trot, but knows naught

 

Dear Hotness,

I was with you until “Online dating seems weird and expensive.” Are you another one of those e-harmony trolls wanting details about the time Scott Stapp teabagged me? Like I explained before, there’s some legal (i.e. “licensing”) issues that prevent me from discussing that episode, at least with Scott’s balls in my mouth.

But okay, back to you. You “feel” you should be out meeting people. You know what I say? Fuck that.

There’s an entire world of speed-dating-on-line-happy-hour-creepfests designed to pray on these exact bullshit feelings. Don’t fall for it. Do the shit you like to do and masturbate when you feel the right ache and figure out who you are outside the context of a relationship. The rest is just a slow path to misery. Trust me. I’ve been at it since you were a fetus.