The other day while sounding out the words on a website called The Rumpus, I saw this article asking for women to submit more comedy pieces. So I put down my giant chocolate bar, stopped crying, and thought, yes, that is what I will do.
I will write a comedy piece. But just as I sat down in my bay window (filled with pillows that I knitted myself while waiting by the phone for potential husbands to call) and opened my pink Mac laptop, I happened to see a lady walking down the street with a baby of her very own.
So then I started crying again because I don’t have a baby. I cried big rolling tears that fell down onto my “Mrs. Stamos” T-shirt that I purchased off of eBay and photographed myself in for my eHarmony profile. I always say, “Dress for the job you want,” and the job I want is being Mrs. John Stamos! So, once my shirt was soaked, I had to go change it. I walked into my closet, which is gigantic because women love to wear lots of expensive clothes and shoes all the time, and I thought, “I know what will make me feel better! I will feel better if I try on all my clothes and shoes to the tune of an upbeat Motown song such as ‘My Girl.’”
And so I did that. I tried on all my clothes, and I felt better until I tried on one pair of pants that didn’t fit me anymore. And then I totally started to cry again, because I am so fat. I cried for a little while on the floor while my cats crawled all over me, purring and being symbols of how lonely I am. My cats love to be symbols of my loneliness. Sometimes, I have to be like, “Stop signifying so loudly guys, I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy!”
At this point I still had not written my comedy piece written by a woman. So I went back to the window, opened my pink computer again and looked at pictures of cute baby ducks for awhile until I felt like writing. But then I remembered that I hadn’t made anything for dinner! Every night, I like to make an elaborate dinner. Then, I set it on the table and open all the windows. My fondest hope is that the wafting smells of a home-cooked meal will lure men who are passing by to come inside and eat dinner. And then after they eat dinner, I hope they’ll eat something else. If you know what I mean. Get it? Eat something. I mean dessert. I want them to eat dessert. Because the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Also, they are always leaving the toilet seat up! Am I right?
Anyway, twelve hours later after I had cooked, baked, cried, sewn a blanket for my hope chest, called a telephone psychic, had all my favorite Cathy comic strips laminated, and then stayed up all night trying on all my clothes and shoes again, I finally felt ready to write my comedy piece. I decided to start by asking myself, “What’s funny?” That is a tough one for me because I have no sense of humor. I mean, I assume that I have no sense of humor because all of the funny things that are made especially for women like me, such as Sex and the City, 27 Dresses, and yogurt commercials don’t even make me laugh. But I guess my humor deficiency is one of those womanly crosses I have to bear, along with P.M.S., making seventy cents on the dollar, and paying for my own rape kit. You know what they say though, you can’t make the willing pay for their own rape kits! I think they say that. Probably somebody said that. God knows I didn’t say it myself! I only say things like: “What are numbers?”
Oh, there I go again on one of my tangents. I guess it’s time for me to get serious about writing this comedy piece. Emoticon. I mean, I probably shouldn’t even try to write a comedy piece since Christopher Hitchens wrote an article in Vanity Fair saying that women just aren’t funny. He’s probably right. And even if he isn’t, I think it’s great that we live in a country where you can say anything you want, like that women aren’t funny or that Christopher Hitchens is a huge douche who runs a successful child pornography business and has an inability to get an erection unless he’s reading Nazi literature.
Well, would you look at that? I’ve totally run out of time, and now instead of writing a comedy piece, I have to go report to my regular day job knitting tampon cozies and being best friends with everybody.
Oh well, I probably would have been terrible at it anyway.
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45 responses
LOVED it!!!
I thought this was exceedingly funny, but what do I know? I am in possession of an entire female reproductive system.
Oh, boy! That wet t-shirt scene in the second paragraph got me all erect.
Oh my gosh, hilarious.
Funny women don’t exist? False. You’re funnier than a rooster with socks on. I like the part about the ‘Cathy’ comics. Awesome. I think of Sage Francis’ song ‘Got up this Morning’ when I read this article.
This is great. I’m going to read it again, probably right now.
I think you could be funnier if you weren’t so passive aggressive. I know it can be tough for women to overcome that behavior, especially if PMSing, which you obviously are… So, in an effort to be nurturing and supportive, which just comes naturally to me as a woman, I say, try again. Maybe try giving yourself a pedicure. I’ve gotten some of my funniest ideas while scrubbing my callused feet, which are particularly bad right now because I’m in that blissful state of barefoot and pregnant. Don’t be jealous, you’ll get your turn, if you’re worthy. By the way, can I get your knitting pattern for the tampon cozies? I was going to do a few sets for some friends who are barren. You know, celebrate the flow. See, nurturing and supportive. Can’t help myself.
J’adore!
You set the bar pretty high with column #1, if this is some comedy battle of the sexes I have to say I laughed a hell of a lot more reading this than I have reading the questions for a (male)comedian column that also runs here. But what do I know? I’m just a guy is SS boots and Iron Cross nipple clamps masturbating to naked Aryan children.
I laughed out loud at my desk, and my male co-worker gave me a look. He probably thinks I’m being emotional again.
This is PRICELESS. Keep ’em coming…
“Tampon cozies”! I’ll be laughing about that one all day!
Thank you, Rumpus, for soliciting submissions for a new column that has the potential to kick Christopher Hitchens in his misogynistic ass.
What *are* numbers? I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one who wonders this.
Ha!I’m loving this Rumpus I must say. Trying on all of your clothes and shoes to My Girl- can’t really beat that for a pick me up. You girls are so clever.
This is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read. Bravo!
YOU’RE HILARIOUS! And WOMEN ARE FUNNY! DAMN IT!
I was reading this to my boyfriend and I fought so hard to keep my composure when I read “What are numbers?”. He laughed really, really hard at that. Excellent work!
You got a Mrs. Stamos shirt off ebay??? *runs off to go find one*
Love it, seriously, and hope to read more by you!
Comedy. is. written.
It is just a piece that is simple and deep at the same time. The result is just hilarious. Just like any other woman! Thanks a lot to remind us the fun part of being a woman.
Omg, I need a t-shirt that says “What are Numbers?” (This would be funny because I am a statistician.)
As one of the few males to comment here, I have to say that while it was all pretty amusing, the stereotypes as humor bit probably appeals more to women than men. What got me most was the snarky slam on Christopher Hitchens at the end.
Dave
Hilarious, and I’m not at all surprised.
I think it is profound for a person to spend a lot of time thinking about what, exactly, numbers are.
What are numbers, anyway? I mean, in a philosophical sense? They aren’t really things, but they aren’t really descriptions of things either. They are like the null-set of existence, existing without ever actually, concretely, existing at all.
You had me until 27 Dresses. I hate Sex and the City and all…but 27 Dresses was fantastic. Most people I know really enjoyed it.
Other than that bit of wtfery, this was very entertaining. A douche pedophile nazi, huh? I did not know that. And here I thought he was perfect and without flaws, being a man and all.
… I don’t get it.
*vacant look*
Thanks for writing this.
It reminds me of when I was watching stand-up comedy on TV with some friends. I never really watch it myself. A woman came on, and no one thought she was funny. I asked why no one ever seemed to like female comedians, and my enlightened friends informed me that the exact same edgy comedy coming from a man’s mouth just isn’t funny coming from a woman. I guess we should just shut our mouths and get back in the kitchen.
Silly woman; w, h, a, and t are LETTERS. As for your writing–better stick to crafting thank-you notes for your therapist.
Everybody who said you aren’t funny can f@ck off. Hey, it’s America!
So, SO funny! Thank you! Although … is it funny, or sad? Because I am laughin AND crying. I will go call my therapist and ask her what I am feeling.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while. Very few things make me laugh out loud, but “What are numbers?” Priceless.
Good stuff, at least you have some backbone, though I can’t say I laughed out loud at this. Personally, and as I believe it was already said, I reckon it’s just because men and women have different tastes in humour. Men laugh at male comedians and women laugh at female comedians. At the end of the day they each just have more of an idea of what makes either gender laugh.
Anyhoo, good on you. And that wasn’t nearly as condescending in my head as it appears in print. Bonne nuit!
LOVE the claims about Christopher Hitchens! Win!
Yap, it’s hilarious. I am ashamed to admit that I could not believe it could be, as I first spotted the Link on feministe.
… still love Hitchens, though. Perhaps even more now.
I laughed, I cried, I cut my penis off..
I, too, am curious about numbers. Thanks for this, I lol’d.
So great!
This is really funny! It’s makeover-montage funny. It’s stressed-out-career-woman-finds-true-love funny. It’s who-serves-yogurt-at-a-wedding funny. (Apologies to Sarah Haskins.)
OMG, and you did this while having girl parts.
So good! Thanks for writing!
more importantly, what IS numbers?
<3
So hilariously dark. As a woman, the kind of stereotypes you are referring to have so little to do with my life and experience I always WTF?? When people talk about “women’s TV” “chick flicks” “mommy blogs” etc. I’d stick an attempt to define “women’s humor” in the same category. You lady, have a rapier wit…
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. I laughed out loud the entire time. Emoticon. To the guys who managed to somehow take this personally…. You should probably take this personally… 🙂
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