FUNNY WOMEN #5: What We Were Really Saying

By

Me
I verb you.

Him
I similarly feel for you in this way, but I’ll never say the word verb. I have feelings only only when I feel like it.

Me
My passion for you grows like mold: unavoidable due to exposure and neglect.

Him
Defensive statement!

Me
Theoretically, I want to move on.

Him
No.

Me
How about we are friends forever.

Him
Yes, but let me first say something sexual.

Me
I also like saying sexual things.

Him
Pearl necklace.

Me
Although spelled differently, sex and love are the same.

Him
That’s been true for me with others, but not you. With you, I hint at infinity, then act surprised and offended when you think I mean what I say.

Me
You’re an emotional abyss. But I’ll overlook that fact, which is a fact, because we get along so well when I don’t want you to just please be convinced to verb me. Why aren’t we together?

Him
For reasons I’ll never explain. I’ll won’t leave you alone when you ask, but I’m still not willing to do anything more than not leave you alone. So you’ll just hang on and wait for something I allude to but in no way promise or even think about beyond this conversation you’re making me have.

Me
When your heart breaks, you should die. What if I agreed to a threesome?

Him
I’m not listening to you. I’m showering with your best friend. I’m having an unplanned pregnancy with my neighbor and forgot to mention it when you asked me directly. Listen, the point is, I have to go to graduate school.

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Original art by Miranda Harter.

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Elissa Bassist edits the Funny Women column. She teaches humor writing at The New School and Catapult. Follow her on Twitter, and visit elissabassist.com for more literary, feminist, and personal criticism. More from this author →