A HAT MY NEPHEW FOUND ON THE BUS
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing a hat my nephew found on the bus.
My nephew Harold and I were riding the 66 on our way to meet his parole officer when Harold spotted a baseball cap on the floor beneath a seat. Across the front of the hat it read, “Mike Diargo Plumbing,” followed by a cartoon hammer holding a hammer. What’s that about? Is the smaller hammer the baby of the cartoon hammer, or is it just a tool? Why couldn’t the larger hammer just use himself as a hammer? And how often are hammers used in plumbing anyway? I would expect a pipe or wrench to be involved. There were too many questions and I just wanted to relax.
I’ve warned Harold countless times never to touch discarded garments because – as my experience has been – they usually contain bugs or even semen. But he never listens to me. He absolutely loves anything to do with plumbing, so I could understand his temptation. He grabbed the hat and immediately threw it on his head. I tried knocking it off but accidentally hit him in the eye. I felt so bad that I decided to forget about the hat for the time being.
For the next two months Harold was wearing the hat everywhere I saw him; coming out of the drug store, at the YMCA, asleep on the porch. If he showered he probably would have worn it then, too. One evening he was at a bar and some guy pointed at the hat and asked, “Are you Mike Diargo?” Harold said he was, which was a lie, and the stranger punched Harold in the stomach. The hat fell off and he screamed, “Oh no, my hat!” But even though this stupid hat got him punched, he put it right back on.
Probably the worst thing about this hat is that it smells like vinegar. It smelled that way when he found it and it smells that way today. Everyone tells him, “Harold, your hat smells like vinegar,” but this backfires. It gives him a reason to talk about the hat and he’ll start in with how it’s about plumbing and how great that is.
I wish he never found that awful hat. I partly blame Mike Diargo. If I ever meet him I’m going to punch him for creating such a hat.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Lamborghini poster hanging in my basement.
