PONZANI BROS. APPLIANCE REPAIR
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Ponzani Bros. Appliance Repair.
It was my anniversary and so I needed to get my toaster fixed. I placed all its pieces into a plastic bag and headed down the street to Ponzani Bros. Appliance Repair, a place that advertises itself as being able to “repair anything or your money back.” What the ad doesn’t say is that they can’t actually repair anything and they’ll make you wait in their office wasting quarters on their gumball machine while they look at your toaster.
When I arrived I was greeted by Barabara (not Barbara). On the phone she sounded like anybody else, but in person it was difficult to look at her. This was the beginning of what would be an uncomfortable 24 minutes.
A guy wearing a shirt with the name “Alphonse” on it said nothing to me as he appeared from a back room, took my toaster parts and disappeared again.
Worried about the future of my toaster, I nervously bought gumball after gumball. When I ran out of space in my mouth I started putting them in my pockets. When I ran out of quarters I approached Barabara to exchange some dollars for more and as she obliged our hands accidentally touched.
The clock on their wall has a background image of a beach and sunset, I guess to remind you of the things you’re not seeing while you’re stuck waiting in this tiny office with Barabara, listening to her gum her pen.
Finally Alphonse appeared, carrying my plastic bag. It didn’t appear to have regained the shape of a toaster. He shook his head, snorted, handed the bag to Barabara, and disappeared again. “Sorry,” she said as she pushed the bag across the counter towards me.
Ponzani Bros. Appliance Repair clearly doesn’t care about repairing appliances and I doubt they’re even brothers. They also don’t care about customers who weep openly in their office. And the gumballs they sell? Don’t expect a refund. I will give them one star because I found a copy of the Cocoon soundtrack in front of their building.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the lower intestine.
