Season’s Greetings everyone!
Traditionally holiday newsletters are what gentiles write to make their year seem significant to everyone else, but the Bassist/Chapman/Friedman/Schulman/Greenbergowitzenstein co-production was feeling a little left out, you know, like all holiday seasons, because very few people really stop to think about the Jews. It’s all Santa, Santa, Santa, Obama, Obama, Obama. Jesus!
This year our family kept expanding, no thanks to Elissa’s lackadaisical efforts to get married or otherwise have children, so I thought it would be wonderful to update everyone I know about our personal lives.
I’ll start with the good news first. Elissa has a boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!! And he isn’t one of those San Francisco transgenders either. He is real and he is from Iowa and his last name is Christensen. Not a Jew. Which is fine. Really, we’re all fine with it, as long as she’s happy and having fun and nothing more.
My husband Jay, whom Elissa has nicknamed “Husband No. 3,” and I visited her in San Francisco this year, and we had such a fabulous time! My ex-husband, whom I’ve nicknamed “The Emotional Abyss,” and his wife also visited her, and they stayed in the Ritz Carlton. We did not, but that’s fine. Anyway, during the trip, the four parents were lucky enough to meet Elissa’s boyfriend (Hi, Kevin!) the very same night those mashugana kids got drunk and stoned, and I had to buy Elissa Plan B at Walgreens the next day because she was too much of an emotional mess to get out of her bathrobe. The whole situation was really a bonding experience for the two of us, and it got me thinking about what an amazing mother she’s going to make someday (someday soon if she’s not careful!). She was so good with our dog while growing up. As she swallowed that tiny but expensive pill, I said, “Honey, I can’t wait to be a grandmother!” We were both crying.
I think whatever Elissa does is great, what can I say? Some of you may be wondering about her appearance lately. No one really knows why my precious little one put pink and blonde in her hair. I think Elissa’s beautiful and smart and such a great dancer, and I’ll always think she looks great no matter what, but why’d she do this to me? And right before her cousin’s bar mitzvah? Does she not love me? I don’t know what I did to her besides love her so so so much and give her everything she’s ever wanted. But you know what? Everyone makes mistakes and has regrets and everything happens for a reason. After all, when her hair wasn’t pink, she didn’t go out on any dates. None at all. Not one. For years. I was worried she’d have to move to New York to get a man who might love her. J-Date is really popular in New York. Few people know I invented J-Date back when I was single.
And now the bad news, everyone: after more than 50 years of operation, the family bridal registry business is the latest victim of this economy. For so long we’ve been a fixture in the rich white shopping district of Denver, so this is the hardest for our loyal shoppers who will be forced to register at places like Crate & Barrel. What’s worse is that Elissa will never be able to shop at our store for her wedding. I’ve done the only thing I can, which is buy everything for her now: wedding china, stainless 65-piece flatware, 12 place settings, 12 crystal wine glasses with long stems, pretty platters, a fabulous set! It’s darling, I mean darling! These will be for her when she marries, which she will (Hi, Kevin!!). I had very similar pieces when I married her father, and now look at me, married three times and still have the same china!
In other family news, my step-grandson was recently in a school play about Shakespeare. He didn’t have any speaking lines, but that’s okay because the only part I liked was when I saw in the program that one of the actresses was named Elissa!!!
Happy holidays to all our friends and family!!!
May the lights of Chanukah bring you happiness,
The Bassist/Chapman/Friedman/Schulman/Greenbergowitzenstein Family
P.S. Hi, Kevin!!! Think you’d ever consider converting?
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Original art by Miranda Harter.
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