It happens in all our lives. We put down our golf clubs to peruse the mail that the butler has brought on a silver tray, when we discover an invitation to a beheading. Naturally, our minds turn to deeper thoughts: how should we behave, who should we bring, and what should we wear? As I’ve oft said before: successful attendance at any assembly depends on deft preparation. This is especially true of a public execution. So, before you pack up the family and trek to the local square, be sure to heed these simple etiquette rules.
HOW BEST TO BEHAVE
A beheading is not the time to have a tête-à-tête with one of your tennis companions. When in attendance, you are expected to blend in with the unforgiving mob, shouting and spitting and making sure the precious final moments of the convict’s life are as wretched as possible. To fail to do so is to undermine the tone of the occasion.
So, be sure to shriek insults at suitable intervals. Here’s a quick guide:
When to insult the convict:
1. As he’s being dragged to the platform in tears
2. While he’s saying his final goodbyes to his loved ones, who’ll all surely starve without his much-needed income
3. Just before the axe falls, when the executioner is trying to concentrate
When not to insult the convict:
1. Before she’s been brought to the block. She’s still out of earshot. I’m amazed by how many attendees seem not to know this.
2. If she starts yelling an angry tirade. They’re quite pleasing, and best observed in silence– followed by jeering laughter.
3. When she’s already been beheaded. It’s an exercise in futility. (Although, a few choice insults couldn’t hurt while the head is yet twitching).What to say:
“Traitor!” is most commonly used, although I find it a tad predictable. I prefer puns, such as “Heads up!” and “Way to stick out your neck!” They show a flair for witty banter, and often draw chuckles from the mob. Anything that contributes to the fun is a plus. Mrs. Kindhart, at a beheading last week, cried, “You’re in it up to your neck this time!” Bravo, Mrs. Kindhart!
A ROOKIE EXECUTIONER, OR AN EXPERIENCED ONE: WHICH IS BETTER FROM THE SPECTATOR’S VIEWPOINT?
I’m often asked, “Is a beheading more enjoyable to attend if the executioner has experience or lack thereof?” Personally, I find both agreeable. It’s awe-inspiring to watch an expert doing what he does best. The ease of his slice can be mesmerizing. On the contrary, the missed attempts and off-kilter swings of an apprentice can make for a very capricious– if not downright hilarious– evening. The pros must be weighed against the cons.
A related question: what type of person would you like to see beheaded? While the rookie executioners will often produce a more jovial affair, it is usually the experts who are brought in to behead society’s highest-ranking individuals. If it’s not enough for you to witness an unclean heathen bowing to the blade, blathering gibberish and spitting rotten teeth, I highly recommend attending when the professionals are at work. The fancy wardrobes of the criminal elite can turn the whole experience into a delightful fashion show. Plus, if you stand near the front, you might be able to swipe some very elegant party favors.
WHETHER CHILDREN SHOULD ATTEND
Something Mrs. Worrywart asked me the other day, and that distressed mothers often inquire is, “Should I bring the children?” My answer is an emphatic, confident, most definite yes. It’s never too early to invite your treasured offspring to witness the workings of our fine judicial system. Consider it an educational excursion. My son Bruce enjoyed beheadings so much, he insisted on attending one for his birthday.
Helpful hint: If you have a daughter, frequent attendance at beheadings can better prepare her for her coming-out, as a beheading is very similar to a debutante ball. The quarry is introduced for all to view and comment upon. The only difference is that, when it’s over, the convict is dead and the deb is introduced into Society.
WHAT SNACKS TO BRING
Especially if you’re bringing the children, you’ll need to prepare snacks. Years ago, while attending a beheading with my nine-year-old son, Edwin, the convict had only just been brought on stage and collapsed to his knees, pleading for mercy, when Edwin tugged on my evening gown and whined, “I’m hungry.” You know how children are.
But what to bring? Tomato-based salsas, spaghetti sauces and anything else that appears red and semi-liquid is best left at home. You don’t want your guests to mistake a blood spatter for a chip dip. Mrs. Badform once thought it quaint to make celery men with raisin heads, held on by peanut butter. Her guests removed the raisins before eating, sometimes flinging them rather heartily at the convict as she passed. This is inappropriate. Although such a treat might be consumed at the after party, and the raisins genially tossed at a photograph of the deceased, it’s improper to toss them during the beheading; they will only get lost amongst the much larger fruits and vegetables.
My favorite snacks for a beheading include madeleine cakes and champagne.
WHAT TO WEAR, AND WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Be mindful of your attire. Depending on your proximity to the stage, there might be some splatter at play. If you find yourself in the front rows, be sure to wear machine-washable polyester, in appropriately macabre colors. There’s nothing more embarrassing than leaving a beheading with noticeable blood stains on a white frock or dress shirt. Mrs. Goodtaste asked me the other day, “But if it’s July, and fair colors are appropriate to the month, what’s one to do?” That’s an excellent question, and one that’s rather difficult to answer. Does the grave nature of the occasion supersede custom, or do we bow our heads to seasonal protocol? The dilemma is enough to produce a sizeable headache. I recommend going with your gut, which is more reliable. If you look in the mirror before your departure and question the appropriateness of that red feather boa or that low-cut neckline, they might be best left at home.
ON THE METHOD OF DECAPITATION, AND ITS INFLUENCE ON YOUR WARDROBE
Inquire into the method of decapitation. I find that you can get away with more lavish attire when the guillotine is employed. It provides a nice, even slice, and a wide receptacle collects most of the splash. On the contrary, if an axe is used– especially a dull one, handled by a clumsy executioner– I recommend goggles, a tasteful mackintosh and a graceful pair of rubber gloves, as well as a sequined purse filled with Handi Wipes. This is particularly true for the first couple rows. If you’re in the back, feel free to don your Sunday best.
GENERAL TIPS
You run the risk of neck pain if you’re there a long time and don’t get a good place to stand. So showing up early, and scouting your location, is key.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
If you follow these rules, there’s no reason a decapitation should produce trepidation. Your attendance is sure to be a success, as long as you keep your head.
-Emily
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Original art by Ilyse Magy.
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