THAT PICTURE FRAME MODEL
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing that picture frame model.
All my picture frames are purchased at Walgreens and they always come with the same guy in them. I hate this guy. He’s always smiling no matter what mood I’m in. And god is he handsome. Never in my life was I that handsome and I’m fairly certain I’ve peaked. If I ever had his looks I wouldn’t have smiled so much. It’s like he’s rubbing it in. I would have been way more considerate and tried to look sad in front of ordinary people, but not in a way that suggested I was sad because they were ordinary.
I’d like his wife to die and then right when he finds out I would be there to snap a picture. Then I’d put that in a frame. Actually, if his wife died he probably wouldn’t be too sad, because he seems to have a lot of wives. In some pictures he’s by himself, frolicking about, but in many others he appears with any number of women and children. And they’re all so damned perfect. He makes me feel guilty for removing his picture and putting in one of someone less attractive and happy. Like I’m ruining the frame.
For a while I was so angry I wanted to drive to this guy’s house and have a word with him. But I didn’t know who or where he was, so I took a photo of him and mailed it to Google. They never wrote back. And when I searched the internet for “attractive asshole” I get a lot of results that make the librarians yell at me.
I tried going to Stop & Shop to buy my frames instead, but he was in those, too. Eventually I found a frame he wasn’t in, but it was enormous, almost three feet tall. I took it home and inserted a picture of myself, but the picture being regular size made me look sad and lonely in the giant frame. This was intended to be a Christmas gift for my lawyer and I didn’t want him to suspect I was as lonely as this pairing of frame and photo implied. So I had the picture of myself blown up to fit the frame and I gave him that.
If I ever meet that picture frame model I’m going to tell him exactly why he makes a simple thing like buying a picture frame so difficult and emotionally taxing. If he doesn’t apologize, I don’t know what will happen.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Apple Newton.
