NONPROFITS
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing nonprofits.
If you ever decide to start your own nonprofit – don’t. They may sound like fun, but the truth is they’re very difficult to run. For starters, if you want to be taken seriously, you’ll need an office. Even if you don’t know what to do with it and even if you can’t afford it. Then, because that office will feel so empty and lonely and also because whenever the mailman walks in you feel suspicious for being in an empty office all alone just watching TV, you’ll need to hire some employees.
Lots of people want jobs these days, so finding prospective employees is easy and a great way to meet new people. (New people who act like they like you even if they don’t.) It’s lots of fun until the interviewee asks you a question like, “What does this job entail?” And when you don’t know how to answer because you don’t even want to hire he or she in the first place, you’re likely to stumble over your words and accidentally blurt out, “none of your business.” That’s when you thank he or she for coming in and cross your fingers the next one won’t be so inquisitive. Because the position is undefined you just hire the ones who smile a lot and seem friendly.
At this point you’ve got an actual office full of real people, and keeping them busy is so hard. There’s a limit to the number of times you can tell someone to file away something which you promptly pull back out and ask to be filed away again. Especially when it’s the only file you have. Definitely get extra files if you start a nonprofit.
Another hurdle is that you’re a nonprofit. This means you don’t make money, so paying salaries is basically impossible. Fortunately, that problem kind of works itself out when everyone quits because you never paid them.
Not paying your other bills is where the real difficulties arise. You’ll get evicted and Rent-2-Own will show up to take back all your furniture. The next thing you know your dreams of having a nonprofit have been crushed.
I say, if you’re going to start anything, make it something profit oriented. Popular things that sell very well include: gasoline, jewels, iPhone apps, and sexual entertainment. Open a place that sells one or all of those.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the back of David Byrne’s head.
