OCULTO PANTALONES NUDIST COLONY
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Oculto Pantalones Nudist Colony.
While getting lost on my way to Caldor (it turns out they’re out of business, so don’t bother looking for the store yourself) to pick up a new toaster, I ended up in the woods. I parked my car and began hiking through thick brush to the top of a mountain thinking that would be a great vantage point from which to locate the Caldor. I never made it to the top because I discovered a secret nudist colony.
It was populated exclusively by three grown men in their mid fifties, Paul, Nigel and Derrick. All they had was a tent, a few belongings, and the fruits of the land. I asked what they wear in the winter and Derrick told me they cuddle for warmth near the fire. I asked if they get lonely and Nigel told me to shut up.
They said they’d been there for six years and were loving it. No one bothered them or told them to wear clothes. Fashion trends didn’t concern them and they laughed at the notion of pockets. In keeping with their culture I disrobed as well. It was amazing. If I were a younger man I would consider joining them. The thrill of playing a game of Scrabble naked was exhilarating.
Although they get along now, there was a time of discord. Nigel and Derrick are brothers and this often made Paul feel out of place. So Paul abandoned the camp and formed his own nudist colony about 300 feet away. But when Nigel and Derrick ran out of food, and Paul managed to tackle a wounded deer, they worked things out. (The sign, ‘Paul’s Better Nudist Colony’ still remains, perhaps as a threatening reminder.)
Oculto Pantalones is actively seeking new members, enough so that they hid my car keys and pants to try and make me stay. But it’s not only old men who are allowed to join. In particular, Paul said, “We really need some women. Any women as long as they’re naked. Actually, fuck that, I’d settle for a woman with clothes.” “Sometimes I’ll send up smoke signals in Morse code,” Nigel added. “They say ‘we are here and we are naked.'” So far no one has responded.
They are three passionate men, communing with nature and unafraid of being true to themselves. It’s an inspiring site and one worth your time. If you’d like to join them, I recommend it. Unfortunately it was the middle of the night when I left, and I could barely see anything. So other than saying they’re in Western Massachusetts, I can’t offer any more details. Maybe try driving to Caldor and you might stumble upon their little utopia like I did.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Mercurochrome.
