BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Blockbuster Video.
When I entered my local Blockbuster last Thursday, my immediate fear was that I had accidentally time traveled to the apocalypse, but when I saw 60 copies of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel on the new releases wall, I knew that wasn’t the case.
I wandered through the store. One shelf was stripped bare, except for a lone copy of the limply named Art Heist, a film whose title paralleled the same sense of surrender I was witnessing around me. Other shelves had signs reading “110% off sale” and “send help.” All the shelves from the romantic comedy section had been used as lumber to construct a home for the burgeoning rat population.
It was a desolate and disturbing experience, punctuated by the occasional former-Blockbuster-employee-turned-resident. Literally. In the corner of the store where the five dollar Twizzlers used to be, there was now an enclave of tents and hot plates. I offered the squatters some money, but they were still just as aloof as ever.
One of the benefits of the new Blockbuster was that anything seemed to go. No one was there to judge anyone else. The woman defecating in the old ice cream freezer showed no sign of self-consciousness, and when I accidentally knocked a man through a plate glass window, no one even looked. I felt free, but slightly terrified by the darker possibilities of what might happen to me. I hurriedly found a movie (House Party 4 – they had 12 copies!), and headed out, stepping over a hole in the floor that appeared to have been clawed by hand.
Another great thing was the revamped check-out process. It was so efficient! As I approached the counter, the clerk paused briefly from his attempted suicide long enough to just wave me through. He didn’t ask for a membership card or even any money. I turned around to ask when the movie was due back, but I was too late.
When I arrived home and opened the VHS case, nothing but dust and worms spilled out. I called to report the problem, but the number had been disconnected.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing balloons.
