PUPPIES
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing puppies.
Puppies are small, new versions of dogs. They’re less adept at doing things real dogs can do, like retrieving thrown objects, subduing intruders, and serving as horses for children. However, what they lack in aptitude is made up for in cuteness.
It’s hard for me to put my finger on what exactly makes puppies so cute. I owned a pet dog once, Fluffers, but had acquired him in his adult years. I did my best to make him the puppy I can only assume he was. I dressed Fluffers as a puppy with over-sized eyeball glasses and roller skates to approximate the lack of motor skills puppies exhibit. Then I refused to let him out of the house until he pooped. He didn’t seem to like any of this and neither did I. It just wasn’t the same. And even though some dogs can learn new tricks, making mine watch hours of puppy videos seemed to have no effect.
That’s when my brief career as a scientist began. I wondered if there was a way to literally turn Fluffers into a puppy. I knew making him age backwards was not likely, but was shrinking him? It wasn’t, but that took me three years and too many test dogs to determine. Before I could correct him, he passed away.
In one last attempt to make Fluffers a puppy, I took his body to the taxidermist. I asked that Fluffers be stuffed, but with large surface areas of his body removed and his legs amended. Actually, I went to 42 taxidermists before I found one who could understand what I was asking for. And it was a success! Now Fluffers sits on my bookshelf looking enough like a puppy that I can finally love him.
Even after all this, I still have no greater insight into what makes puppies so cute. I guess they’re a mystery that way, like why Circus Peanuts are still manufactured. Despite all their obvious flaws, there they are.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing your mom’s car.
