SKID MARKS
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing skid marks.
For those of you anticipating a review of fecal stains, this is not that review. Please look for that in a future edition of Ted Wilson Reviews the World. This is a review of the skid marks left by automobiles.
As one of the few forms of legal graffiti, I try to leave skid marks wherever I go. They are both an exhibition of power and a personal signature. My tire guy, Reggie, tells me I should “stop being such a showoff,” but I think he’s just jealous because he can’t afford a new set of tires every few months. Sometimes I’ll buy the extra expensive tires just to spite him.
For a brief period I tried to save myself some of the expense by stenciling skid marks on the ground. Don’t do this. It’s time consuming, messy, and can too easily result in a foot chase and/or (usually and) arrest. And with the fines incurred, it’s a much more expensive approach than simply ruining tires.
Society’s position on skid marks is hypocritical. Draw skid marks with your car and no one gives a second look (unless it’s one of awe), but spray-paint skid marks on the ground, or a lawn, or accidentally across the foot of a large man and suddenly everyone is angry and swearing.
My dad taught me how to make skid marks on both departure and arrival. It seemed to come so naturally to him, but I’ve never been able to manufacture them with the same ease. His inability to perceive time in a linear fashion meant, among other things, we were always running late. Peeling out became a way of life. And his weak depth perception meant a screeching halt was inevitable. Except for that one, final time.
When not telling a story with skid marks, they can be a great way to impress a woman at a stop light. The screeching noise says, “Hey, I’m not at all self-conscious.” The downside is that just as the woman is realizing how cool you are, you’re disappearing down the road. But that’s why God invented “donuts” or circular skid marks. They’re not ideal for intersections, but find a woman walking alone in an empty parking lot and you can spin around her doing donuts for hours. Try not to overdue it though. She’ll scream in delight for a while, but the right balance needs to be struck between excitement and asphyxiation from all the smoke. Having to drive her to the hospital can really ruin the mood.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Eastern New England Best Buy Annual Race-a-thon for Hunger.
