CHUCK MURPHY REVIEWS THE WORLD
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing “Chuck Murphy Reviews the World.”
A man, Charles Murphy, claims his uniquely titled “Chuck Murphy Reviews the World,” is “inspired by” this column. His liberal use of the word “inspired” reminds me of the DVD copy of Transmorphers I purchased, thinking I was picking up Michael Bay’s opus, Transformers. The former proved to be a pale imitation.
I called the police to inform them someone had pilfered my intellectual property, but Officer Kao told me no crime had taken place. So I opened my own police station to see how she liked it. It turns out, impersonating a police officer is quite a serious offense, even if, as a fake police officer, one stops two bank robberies and goes undercover to infiltrate and take down a cock fighting ring.
It was while in jail that I had time to more carefully consider “Chuck Murphy Reviews the World.” Upon closer inspection I realized it’s clearly the work of my enemy, Archer H. Slumpy, for whom “Charles Murphy” is a thinly veiled anagram. Nice try, “Chuck.”
Archer’s caps lock key has been broken for years, ever since I spilled orange juice on it. “Chuck” tries to explain his unrelenting use of capitalization with the preposterous notion that “BY SIMPLY USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY WE NO LONGER HAVE WORDS OF EMPHASIS, WORDS OF INCREASED REVERANCE [sic], AND INSTEAD WE CAN REVERE THE WHOLE OF LANGUAGE.” Sure.
I’m not sure what Archer’s goal is with his blog. At his current one review per day, versus my one per week, he’s set to finish reviewing everything long before I do. It may be that he’s trying to steal my thunder. Or more likely, Archer is just bitter over my success.
Everyone knows the adage: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Archer has attempted to emulate me for years. When we were kids, he wore what I wore, listened to what I listened to, and got whatever tattoos I got. I always felt a little guilty for the swastika tattoo I convinced him was real, only revealing the truth after he’d gotten one. It pretty much ruined grammar school for him, and he eventually turned his into a Windows 98 logo.
I can’t give “Chuck Murphy Reviews the World” fewer than two stars no matter how transparent it is, because it’s still a rip-off of a pretty fantastic idea. I only wish Archer were man enough to not hide behind a pseudonym.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing an ’89 Subaru DL.
