PILGRIM PROMS
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Pilgrim proms.
There are no fossils of Pilgrim proms (we’ll have to wait thousands of years for those to form), so I can’t be certain such events ever existed. But I’ll bet they did. And if I’m going to review everything in the world, I can’t skip something just because I’m not sure if it’s real.
Pilgrims never seemed like they were big on music, so instead of that, they probably just had a guy whistling at their proms. And they definitely weren’t allowed to dance, so they would just stand and shuffle their feet a little, trying not to touch one another. If they accidentally touched, there would have been a Prom Guard standing nearby, ready to pull the offending parties out of the crowd for a lashing. Once lashed, they would be allowed to return to the shuffling, but in a special section designated for troublemakers. In this area they would have to sit in chairs to shuffle their feet.
All proms have a theme, and for the Pilgrims it would have been something about the Native Americans. This is before the small pox blankets, back when everyone had Thanksgiving together.
In the movie Carrie, Carrie had pig’s blood poured all over her as a prom joke. Pilgrims did this too, to the witches. It was a way of saying, “Hey, witch, we may have our differences because of your occult lifestyle, but right now we’re all a bunch of high schoolers who just want to shuffle our feet. Tonight, you’re one of us. Now here’s a bunch of blood – LOOK OUT!” It may sound harsh, but any other night the Pilgrims would light the witches on fire, so the witches were cool with this.
When prom was over, the Pilgrim kids didn’t lose their virginity. They would just have anal sex.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing left feet.
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P.S. In one week I’ll be appearing at the May Monthly Rumpus event. I’m nervous people will laugh at me, so please come and support me. I’ll be reading from the book I’m working on. It’s a fantasy novel about an elf who has arthritis. Hope to see you there!
