SEEING EYE DOGS
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing seeing eye dogs.
Lately there’s been a lot of talk about Mexicans coming to America to steal our less-desirable jobs. What I learned firsthand is that Mexicans make better laborers than Americans do. For reasons I won’t get into, I needed some quick cash, and hoped to find work hammering or painting or doing anything that gave me an excuse to remove my shirt. So I waited outside a hardware store. My day began with optimism, but each time I woke up from a nap, another Mexican guy was climbing into the back of a truck, leaving me alone in my lawn chair.
One can hardly blame Mexicans for their appeal to Americans seeking cheap labor. I didn’t blame them or even myself. I didn’t even blame my mom, who I blame for a lot. No, I blame seeing eye dogs. These seemingly altruistic dogs have been taking jobs away from Mexicans for too long – jobs that, if Mexicans had, would allow for more unemployed Americans to become the housekeepers and sweatshop seamstresses they dream of being.
If my neighbor’s nanny, Caramello (I think that’s her name) is any indication, plenty of Mexicans would be happy to care for a blind person in exchange for a bowl of food and a corner in which to sleep. Caramello lives in a tool shed and only needs to leave the property to take the kids to school. And Mrs. Mabelle says Caramello doesn’t need her passport or a phone because, “Where would she even go?” and, “The only person she should be calling is me.”
When I think of all the people put out of work by seeing eye dogs, I begin to get a little sick. Some people argue that seeing eye dogs are trained to be who they are, and have no choice in the matter. Those dogs are absolutely there by choice. If they wanted to run away, who could stop them? Their blind masters?
I also don’t like how seeing eye dogs leech off society. The other day I was on the bus and a little girl got on with her seeing eye dog. This dog didn’t even try to pay the fare! I was forced to sit by while my tax dollars paid for that dog’s bus ride. Seeing eye dogs should go back to being regular dogs who are beneath us.
The only benefit of seeing eye dogs is that they don’t murder innocent white people like John McCain tells me the Mexicans do. Unless there are seeing eye pit bulls maybe.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Lucille Ball.
