THINGS FOUND UNDER MY COUCH CUSHIONS
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing things found under my couch cushions.
The other day I decided to build a fort out of couch cushions. I hadn’t done this for about 60 years, but I was bored and the bookcase had fallen over so I was trapped in the living room until Meals on Wheels came. You wouldn’t believe the things I found inside my couch. They were as follows.
CRUMPLED NAPKIN
This napkin had a number scrawled on it. I always write my phone number on a pile of napkins before I go into a bar so I can hand them out if the opportunity should present itself. I don’t want to risk not having a napkin available or having the person walk away before I finish writing my number. Anyway, what’s exciting about this napkin is that the number wasn’t my own! I’m going to call today and see who’s it is. [Update: It was just the number of the bar.]
MONEY
There was $120.21 under my cushions. About $30 in change, another $10 in bus tokens and the rest was in large bills. I realized almost immediately this was the cash I’d accused my paperboy of stealing. We’d had this big argument, his mom yelled at him and he was eventually fired and spent some time in a juvenile facility. I feel sort of terrible now, but what’s done is done. I think we must both be stronger for the experience.
PAIR OF MEN’S BRIEFS
This was a fortunate find because I wasn’t wearing underwear when I became trapped in my living room. Meals on Wheels had threatened to stop delivery if I was ever naked again, so I’d adorned myself with a large lampshade in anticipation of their arrival. These briefs looked to be an upgrade. I liked the way they fit. They really showed off just the right parts while also concealing other part. The initials J. F. were written on the tag and I wonder who that is. He’s really missing out, but…finder’s keepers.
AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF BOB BARKER
When I ran into Bob Barker at Wendy’s, my mouth went dry and I got sweaty. But I knew what I had to do. I pulled out the picture of him I kept in my coat pocket, walked over and introduced myself. He said he wasn’t Bob Barker. I don’t know why he lied to me like that, or why he finally agreed to sign the photo, only to write the name “George Hamilton.” But I left there happier than ever. Hours later, I’d lost the photo and was devastated. I need to look under my cushions more often than once every 12 years. The photo is still as amazing as one would expect.
RACCOON
I don’t know how a live raccoon got into my couch, but he had made quite a home for himself. Fortunately for him he’d chosen the end I never sit on. When I pulled the cushion off, he began hissing at me. I just placed the cushion back on top and pretended he wasn’t there. The next owner of the couch can deal with it.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a breast implant.
