My salmon day started when I quash squashed through his fornicorium


The Book Bench pointed me in the direction of this phenomenal time waster of a site called Unwords, which is “a dictionary devoted to made-up words.” Thanks a lot, Book Bench.

I decided immediately upon finding the word “toilet toupee” (any shag carpet toilet cover that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users) that I had to use these words to write a first sentence to a hypothetical short story.

Here goes:

My salmon day started when I quash squashed through his fornicorium, septic garfu on my shoe, and sweaved by the rocktopus, interrobanging the jobsworth of what I was about to do.

Definitions for the words in the sentence are below the fold.

Fake Contest: If you for some ungodly reason have the time to come up with a sentence of your own, leave it in the comments section, and I will send the winner an imaginary signed copy of the book I haven’t written yet for some reason.

salmon day — (n.) Spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get skewered and die in the end.

quash squashed — ( The act of walking on the outer sides of one’s feet to dampen the squishing sound of squeaky tennis shoes. Literally, to annul a squishing sound

fornicorium — (n.) A single man’s apartment or house.

garfu — (n.) Stuff accidentally walked through that sticks to one’s shoe

sweave — (v.) To swerve and weave about.

rocktopus — (n.) A celebrity musician who believes that he may, by dint of his fame and social standing, grope one’s girlfriend when he meets them in a club.

interrobang — (n.) A combination of a question mark and an exclamation point or the appearance of both right next to each other. (okay, I turned this into a verb. But it’s not like rules count all that much here, right?)

jobsworth — (n.) A measure of a task in comparison to a job’s worth. A task that, in order to complete, requires compensation above and beyond a single job’s worth.

Seth Fischer's writing has appeared in Best Sex Writing 2013, Buzzfeed, PankGuernica, Lunch Ticket, Gertrude, and elsewhere. His Rumpus piece "Notes from a Unicorn" was listed as a notable essay in The Best American Essays 2013. He will be a 2014 Lambda Literary Emerging Voicing Fellow and was a 2013 Jentel Arts Residency Program Fellow. He also teaches at Antioch University Los Angeles and Writing Workshops Los Angeles. Find more writing of his writing at, or reach him @sethfischer. More from this author →