My salmon day started when I quash squashed through his fornicorium


The Book Bench pointed me in the direction of this phenomenal time waster of a site called Unwords, which is “a dictionary devoted to made-up words.” Thanks a lot, Book Bench.

I decided immediately upon finding the word “toilet toupee” (any shag carpet toilet cover that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users) that I had to use these words to write a first sentence to a hypothetical short story.

Here goes:

My salmon day started when I quash squashed through his fornicorium, septic garfu on my shoe, and sweaved by the rocktopus, interrobanging the jobsworth of what I was about to do.

Definitions for the words in the sentence are below the fold.

Fake Contest: If you for some ungodly reason have the time to come up with a sentence of your own, leave it in the comments section, and I will send the winner an imaginary signed copy of the book I haven’t written yet for some reason.

salmon day — (n.) Spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get skewered and die in the end.

quash squashed — ( The act of walking on the outer sides of one’s feet to dampen the squishing sound of squeaky tennis shoes. Literally, to annul a squishing sound

fornicorium — (n.) A single man’s apartment or house.

garfu — (n.) Stuff accidentally walked through that sticks to one’s shoe

sweave — (v.) To swerve and weave about.

rocktopus — (n.) A celebrity musician who believes that he may, by dint of his fame and social standing, grope one’s girlfriend when he meets them in a club.

interrobang — (n.) A combination of a question mark and an exclamation point or the appearance of both right next to each other. (okay, I turned this into a verb. But it’s not like rules count all that much here, right?)

jobsworth — (n.) A measure of a task in comparison to a job’s worth. A task that, in order to complete, requires compensation above and beyond a single job’s worth.

Seth Fischer’s writing has twice been listed as notable in The Best American Essays and has been nominated for The Pushcart Prize by several publications, including Guernica. He was the founding Sunday editor at The Rumpus and is the current nonfiction editor at The Nervous Breakdown. He is a Dornsife PhD Fellow at USC and been awarded fellowships and residencies by Ucross, Lambda Literary, Jentel, Ragdale, and elsewhere, and he teaches at the UCLA-Extension Writer’s Program and Antioch University, where he received his MFA. More from this author →