Masterclass: Blow-Jobs
vs.
Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man
One book is concise and British, complete with allegedly helpful pictures of female mouths on penises. The other, a chatty manual that uses phrases like “Mr. Softee” and “Mr. Stiffy.” On a regular basis.Yee-haw. Let’s learn some stuff about guys’ junk.
Looks: Masterclass is sleek and sexy, a petite hardcover that would be discreet were it not for the word “Blow-jobs” emblazoned on the spine. My version of Sex Tips is sleeved in plastic like it’s been booted out of some Midwestern library. Were I to be caught with one on my nightstand, I’d want it to be Masterclass. Both send the message that I’m clueless in bed, but at least Masterclass looks like I’m willing to spend money to get better. (Twenty-two dollars to be exact. Or about half of what it would have cost to pay someone else to give a blow job in my stead.)
How Smart They Think Their Readers Are: Barely literate, in the case of Masterclass. This is a book that delivers four different pictures on a woman giving a blow-job on her knees in order to illustrate the “on your knees” technique—including one that’s supposed to be an example of office sex in spite of the fact that the guy is wearing yellow board shorts and it’s taking place in a doorway to an outside stairwell.
Sex Tips knows we can read, but expects us to be surprised to learn of the old tying-a-cherry-stem-in-your-mouth trick. In other words, it’s for people who were totally flabbergasted by every topic ever addressed on “Sex and the City.”
Utilitarian Value: Trust a gay guy to understand exactly what women want. Throughout Sex Tips, we are regular reminded that oral talent with a penis equals “a Park Avenue penthouse,” “straight As in grad school,” or even “the Hope diamond.” Point me to the nearest billionaire; I’m gonna get myself an island.
Best Advice: Masterclass: “suck hard.” (The author goes on to say she’s pretty sure she herself invented this technique. I’m not joking.)
Sex Tips: “You really have to show respect and concentrate big time on what you’re doing. And he’ll know if you’re really being friends with Mr. Stiffy, or just being a phony.” I find it hard to believe that penises are savvy to the nuances of oral emotions when they’re so notoriously incapable of detecting vaginal orgasms, but if a gay guy says it, it must be true. So stop faking your friendship with the Mr. Stiffies/Softees/Half-Hardees of the world, girls. They’re on to us!
Surprising Wisdom: According to Masterclass, “the mouth is the place where we instinctively want to put things we love.” Finally, we’ve solved the mystery of why some women are always exclaiming that they want to eat kittens and babies.
Speaking of solving mysteries, thanks to Sex Tips we now know “What is it about a blow job that makes it so prized? First of all, it feels great.” Full-on light bulb moment.
Why it’s worth the price: According to Sex Tips, “Gay men never swallow!!!” (emphasis and exclamation points added.) You can either take this to mean that all women everywhere are off the hook forever, or that particularly determined ladies finally have one reliable sexual weapon in the battle to turn hot gay guys straight.
Masterclass features very funny pictures, including one of a topless woman pouring urine-looking champagne down her beau’s Mr. Softee and into a glass, and another of her dragging one of those tricolored ice-cream truck popsicles over his balls, but the internet gives us that type of stuff for free. Twenty-two dollars could have bought me, like, eight vegan cupcakes, which is the world’s way of giving me a blowjob.
Head-scratcher: From Masterclass: “There are, however, probably only one or two methods that will produce the erection itself and in turn the orgasm (if that is your goal—remember, though, to make an omelette [British sic] you need to break a few eggs, but you don’t have to make an omlette with ‘em, do you?”) Is she advocating ball busting here? Or eating eggs off a guy’s genitals once he’s bored with the popsicle and champagne tricks? I suspect all is revealed in Masterclass: Omlette-Making.
Winner: No one who reads either of these books!
Next week, Nadine Strossen and Andrea Dworkin face off over Pornography.
