SANTA CLAUS
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Santa Claus.
Poor Santa Claus. What does that guy do all year when he’s not delivering toys? I guess that’s when he compiles his jerk list, determining who deserves a present or not. It’s a pretty bold declaration. I remember the year I tried that tactic with my brother’s kids. Mickey was good, so I bought him a ton of cool stuff. Jerry, on the other hand, had kind of pissed me off so I just wrapped him up a rock. That didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped. Maybe the trick is to take off after you leave the joke gift. That’s what Santa does, and why he’s probably never been hit in the head with a rock on Christmas day.
Another thing Santa is able to get away with is all that foreign labor. My friend Patricia had a bunch of Mexicans working for her, putting together dolls in a warehouse. But those workers revolted and the warehouse burned down. Patricia had to flee the country. I don’t know how Santa does it. He must be really charismatic because he seems way too nice to be a tyrant.
I think it says a lot about Santa that he’s been with the same woman all these years. If he wanted to cheat he could do so with ease. He could have women all over the world, popping in and out of their chimneys, snacking on cookies and milk. He could have it all. I don’t know how he resists such temptation. Santa really has an iron will. He’s lucky to have met his wife. I wonder how that happened. She must have been part of an expedition and gotten lost. Lucky Santa.
If he wanted to, Santa could have his own talk show. He could be the next Oprah. Santa. That would be the name of the show. He’d probably need to trim his beard though. Giant beards make people look crazy.
