THE NAME LARRY
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the name Larry.
It is widely recognized that the name Larry (short for Lawrence) is one of the least appealing names around. Even people with names like Ralph or Chastity feel an unspoken sadness when meeting someone named Larry.
Try to think of a single person you know named Larry whom you actually like. You can’t do it, can you? There may be a Larry you don’t mind, but how much time have you really spent with him? And how much of your affinity is really disguised pity?
If you’re one of those unfortunate souls whose parents so callously named you Larry, you’re probably frantically trying to think of ways to prove me wrong. As evidence to my claim, consider several popular characters named Larry. There’s Larry the unkempt hick from Newhart, Larry the lonely sexual deviant from Three’s Company, and Larry Appleton, a lead in Perfect Strangers who was so disliked that his best friend was played by Bronson Pinchot. None of these men were the envy of anyone.
Go ahead and make the sound for “R.” Now hold that face and take a look at it in the mirror. Not very pretty, is it? You have to make that face twice when saying the name “Larry.”
As a test, I began introducing myself to strangers as Larry. This was one of the darker periods of my life; a stark contrast to what the friendly, masculine name Ted has brought me. It was like the times celebrities dress up as ugly (or regular) people. Suddenly no one wanted to look me in the eye or stand near me. When I met another man named Larry he hugged me and wept all over my shoulder. I was so repelled I had to push him off of me. He asked what was wrong and I said I didn’t know, but I could never see him again.
It gave me new insight into what the Larrys of the world must go through. Is it self-perpetuating? Are those afflicted with this unfortunate name transformed by the treatment of others, or does the world know something about them they don’t? Does the world even want to know anything about them?
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing apartheid.
10 responses
Larry Bird.
You mean the skinny guy with the invisible mustache? He looks like Spencer Pratt’s dad. He also denied paternity of the daughter from his first marriage.
It makes perfect sense to me that this bitter rant would come from someone named Ted
Dear Biff,
(Is that how you pronounce that?) Thanks for your comment, but you’re confused. Bitterness is something I would feel only if my name weren’t already one of the best names around. I feel more of a pity for the Teds of the world than anything else. Well, a pity mixed with repulsion.
Yours Truly,
Ted!
*sound of sobbing*
My father is named Larry. Actually his name is Aaron Lawrence Z….. but he likes Larry better. So there! (You were waiting for this, weren’t you?)
Dear Eileen,
I’m sorry you have to find out like this, but your father’s name isn’t actually Larry or Aaron Lawrence. It’s Miguel, and he’s not your father.
Best Wishes,
Ted
… I immediately think of two Larrys / Lawrences … The first was in my homeroom class in Grade 12. He crushed out sooo bad on me … and I’m sorry and bless him for his sweet gesture, but this boy was *homely*. I wasn’t much of a looker myself but that’s adolescence, eh? — So Larry. He presented me with a little glossy black box one day in Homeroom. (May I remind you that Homeroom is always the *first* class of the day, when we humans tend to be either buzzed to the gills on our morning java or still incoherent, with intractable morning breath, jammy eyes, and precious little motor or impulse control.)
A wee card was taped to the box: “Open the box,” it said, stating the obvious thing to do (other than to drop the thing like a stink bomb and hurl myself out of the room). “Inside is a gift that I want to take you out on a date with some-day.” [spelling error intentional!] The gift was a 50% Off coupon for a steakhouse dinner. I mean “steak” as in “Salisbury”. I mean the McDonalds of steakhouses. Barf!
Then there was the guy who drove his parents’ Delta 88, circa whenever they had the vinyl bench seats and you slid like a fish across the damn things no matter how gentle a curve, or you stuck to them like a fast-frying egg on putridly hot days. I dated this guy for about two weeks and he took me *to the exact same steakhouse* — different city, yes; but with a huge franchise they’re all the same. *Nasty* flashback!
His name wasn’t Larry. Perhaps that’s what he called his car.
Now my second Larry … Different story altogether. Besides, no one called him Larry. He just wasn’t a Larry. For one thing, he was gay. For another, he was one of the great loves of my life. I used to call him my little joyball because he was one of the most *alive* people I ever had the grace to meet.
Carol Shields on the name Larry:
“No one gets named Larry anymore. It’s had it as a name. Think of someone called Larry and you automatically conjure up a guy drinking beer in a sixties rec room.” (from *Larry’s Party*. — You want to know what it’s like to be named Larry? Read this novel!)
Where the name Larry comes from … and I see that the name “Larry” was a very popular name for baby boys in the US during the 1940s and 1950s. Heh. No wonder my life was inundated with Larrys when I was a teen!
;-D
Hi Jaliya,
Thank you for this lengthy response. I dozed off reading it, nodding in and out of consciousness, so I didn’t get to read all the words. But I really liked the ones that I saw. They were all spelled correctly and I loved how I knew most of them. It offered a great sense of familiarity. many times I thought to myself, “Oh! I know that word.” Thanks again!
Ted
Ah, poor Larry.
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858704641/
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