THE NAME LARRY
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the name Larry.
It is widely recognized that the name Larry (short for Lawrence) is one of the least appealing names around. Even people with names like Ralph or Chastity feel an unspoken sadness when meeting someone named Larry.
Try to think of a single person you know named Larry whom you actually like. You can’t do it, can you? There may be a Larry you don’t mind, but how much time have you really spent with him? And how much of your affinity is really disguised pity?
If you’re one of those unfortunate souls whose parents so callously named you Larry, you’re probably frantically trying to think of ways to prove me wrong. As evidence to my claim, consider several popular characters named Larry. There’s Larry the unkempt hick from Newhart, Larry the lonely sexual deviant from Three’s Company, and Larry Appleton, a lead in Perfect Strangers who was so disliked that his best friend was played by Bronson Pinchot. None of these men were the envy of anyone.
Go ahead and make the sound for “R.” Now hold that face and take a look at it in the mirror. Not very pretty, is it? You have to make that face twice when saying the name “Larry.”
As a test, I began introducing myself to strangers as Larry. This was one of the darker periods of my life; a stark contrast to what the friendly, masculine name Ted has brought me. It was like the times celebrities dress up as ugly (or regular) people. Suddenly no one wanted to look me in the eye or stand near me. When I met another man named Larry he hugged me and wept all over my shoulder. I was so repelled I had to push him off of me. He asked what was wrong and I said I didn’t know, but I could never see him again.
It gave me new insight into what the Larrys of the world must go through. Is it self-perpetuating? Are those afflicted with this unfortunate name transformed by the treatment of others, or does the world know something about them they don’t? Does the world even want to know anything about them?
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing apartheid.
