PLASTIC SURGERY
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing plastic surgery.
Aside from my successful career as a professional reviewer, I am also a professional musician. Standing on stage with strangers eyeing every inch of me can make me feel self conscious. This may sound surprising to anyone who remembers my earlier review of my own body which garnered four out of five stars. With a rating like that there’s not a lot of room for improvement, but I wanted my body be five, or even six out of five stars. I wanted to take my body to new heights – beyond what nature would allow – so I got the name of my psychiatrist’s plastic surgeon.
First, I got lip injections. (I’ve wanted needlessly suggestive lips ever since I was a kid.) Immediately I liked myself better, and knew others would, too. Then I focused on the more subtle elements, and over the span of two weeks I received a crotch lift, pore removal, kneecap implants, blood lightening, digit shrinkage, nostril contouring, and nipple tightening. My plastic surgeon also suggested a hair transplant, but I didn’t want to go overboard, so I just got a weave. One look in the mirror and plastic surgery made me feel alive again!
But my euphoria lasted only a few days. Sadly, there were some unintended side effects. While the areas of my body that were improved were improved greatly, other areas of my body had lessened in their appeal, returning my body to its state of four out of five stars, but for different reasons. For instance, the blood lightening, which has made my varicose veins disappear, has also caused the rest of me to turn white and my eyes to turn yellow. Somehow my hair turned blood orange which no longer matched my white weave.
The blood lightening also makes it difficult to differentiate between bleeding and sweating. For most who receive this treatment, the key indicator would be the sensation of pain, but the pore removal had left my entire body in a constant state of agony. I would scream for minutes at a time while washing the dishes or watching TV. The doctor prescribed a pain reliever, but warned it might loosen my nipples.
Plastic surgery is a trade off, it would seem. The good news is that pores grow back (although they’re never quite the same).
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my cousin’s lawnmower.
