Dear Sugar,
I’m an average twenty-six-year-old man, exceptional only in that I’m writing to an Internet advice columnist and that I’m incredibly ugly. I don’t hate myself, and I don’t have body dysmorphia. I was born with a rare blood disorder that has had its way with my body from a young age. It has left me with physical deformities and joint abnormalities. One side of my body is puny and atrophied compared to the other.
I would not have been a beauty even without this illness, but it’s impossible to remedy the situation with normal exercise and physical therapy. I’m also overweight, which I admit I should be able to fix. I’m not an unhealthy eater, but like anyone, I could consume less. I’m not ugly in a mysterious or interesting way, like a number of popular actors. I look like what I am: a broken man.
My problem—and my problem with most advice-outlets—is that there’s not much of a resource for people like me. In movies, ugly characters are redeemed by being made beautiful in time to catch the eye of their love interest, or else their ugliness is a joke (Ugly Betty is NOT ugly). In practical life, we’re taught that personality matters more than physicality, but there are plenty of attractive (or at least normal-looking) people who are also decent human beings.
What is there for people like me who will never be remotely attractive and who are just average on the inside?
I’m a happy person and have a very fulfilling life and good friends. I have a flexible job that allows me enough free time to pursue my hobbies, with employers who understand when I have to miss work for health reasons. But when it comes to romance, I’m left out in the cold. I don’t want my entire life to pass without knowing that type of love.
Is it better to close off that part of myself and devote my time and energies to the aspects of my life that work, or should I try some novel approaches to matchmaking? My appearance makes online dating an absolute no-go. In person, people react well to my outgoing personality, but would not consider me a romantic option. I’m looking for new ideas, or if you think it’s a lost cause, permission to give up. Thanks for your help.
Signed,
Beast With a Limp
Dear Beast With a Limp,
Once upon a time I had a friend who was severely burned over most of his body. Six weeks after his 25th birthday, he didn’t realize that there was a gas leak in the stove in his apartment, so he lit a match and his entire kitchen blew up. He barely survived. When he got out of the hospital four months later, his nose and fingers and ears were burnt nubs and his skin was more hide than flesh, like that of a pink lizard with mean streaks of white glazed over the top. I’ll call him Ian.
“I’m a fire-breathing monster!” he roared to my kids the Thanksgiving before last, crouched beneath them near the edge of the bed. They shrieked with joy and fake fear, screaming, “Monster! Monster!” Ian looked at me and then he looked at the man who has taken up permanent residence in the Sugar Shack and together we laughed and laughed.
You know why? Because he was a fire-breathing monster.
My kids had never known him any other way and neither had their dad and I. I think it’s true that Ian didn’t know who he was before he was burned, either. He was a man made by the fire.
A rich man, thanks to the accident, having received a settlement from the gas company. He’d grown up lower middle class, but by the time I met him — when I was 27 and he was 31 — he reveled in being a bit of a snob. He bought exquisite food and outrageously overpriced booze. He collected art and hung it in a series of hip and tony lofts. He wore impeccable clothes and drove around in fancy cars. He loved having money. He often said that being burned was the best thing that had ever happened to him. That if he could travel back in time he would not unlight that match. To unlight the match would be to lose the money that had brought him so much happiness. He had an incredible life, he said, and he was grateful for it.
But there was one thing. One tiny thing. He was sorry he couldn’t have love. Romantic love. Sexual love. Love love. Love.
“But you can!” I insisted, though it’s true that when I first met him I was skittish about holding his gaze because he was, in fact, a ghastly sight, his body a rough yet tender landscape of the excruciatingly painful and the distorted familiar. I met him when I was a waitress at a swank French bar where he was a regular. He sat near the place where I had to go to order and collect my drinks at the bar and as I worked I took him in bit by bit, looking at him only peripherally. We chatted about books and art and shoes as he drank twenty-dollar shots of tequila and ate plates of meticulously-constructed pâté and I zipped from the bar to the table and back to the bar, delivering things.
After a while, he became more than a customer I had to be nice to. He became my friend. By then, I’d forgotten that he looked like a monster. It was the strangest thing, but it was true, how profoundly my vision of Ian changed once I knew him. How his burnt face became instead his bright blue eyes, his scarred and stumpy hands, the sound of his voice. It wasn’t that I couldn’t see his monstrosity anymore. It was still there in all its grotesque glory. But alongside it there was something else, something more ferocious: his beauty.
I wasn’t the only one who saw it. There were so many people who loved Ian. And we all insisted over and over again that our love was proof that someday someone would love him. Not in the way we loved him — not just as a friend—but in that way.
Ian would not hear a word of it. To so much as contemplate the possibility of a boyfriend was unbearable to him. He’d made the decision to close himself off to romantic love way back when he was still in the hospital. No one would love a man as ugly as him, he thought. When I argued with him, he said that I had no idea about the importance of looks in gay culture. When I told him I thought there were surely a few men on the planet willing to love a burned man, he said he would make do with the occasional services of a prostitute. When I said I thought that his refusal to open himself up to romantic love was based on fear and conquering that fear was the last thing he had to heal from the trauma of his accident, he said the discussion was over.
And so it was.
One night after I got off work, Ian and I went to another bar to have a drink. When we sat down he told me it was the anniversary of his accident and I asked him if he would tell me the entire story of that morning and he did. He said he’d just woken up and that he was gazing absently at a sleeve of saltine crackers on the counter the moment his kitchen flashed into blue flame. He was amazed to see the crackers and the sleeve disintegrate and disappear in an instant. It seemed to him a beautiful, almost magical occurrence, and then, in the next moment, he realized that he was engulfed in the blue flame and disintegrating too. He told me about falling down onto the floor and moaning and how his roommate had awakened but been too afraid to come to him, so instead he yelled words of comfort to Ian from another room. It was the people who’d been on the sidewalk down below and seen the windows blow out of his apartment who’d been the first to call 911. He told me about how the paramedics talked to him kindly as they carried him down the stairs on a stretcher and how one of them told him that he might die and how he cried out at the thought of that and how the way he sounded to himself in that cry was the last thing he remembered before he lost consciousness for weeks.
He would never have a lover.
He would be happy. He would be sad. He would be petty and kind. He would be manipulative and generous. He would be cutting and sweet. He would move from one cool loft to another and change all the color schemes. He would drink and stop drinking and start drinking again. He would get a strange kind of slow-growing cancer and a particular breed of dog. He would make a load of money in real estate and lose another load of it on a business endeavor. He would reconcile with people he loved and estrange himself from others. He would not return my phone calls and he would read my book and send me the nicest note. He would give my son a snappy pair of ridiculously expensive baby trousers and sigh and say he loathed children when I told him I was pregnant with my daughter. He would roar at Thanksgiving. He would crouch beneath the bed and say that he was a fire-breathing monster and he would laugh with all the grown ups who got the joke.
And not even a month later — a week before Christmas, when he was 44 — he would kill himself. He wouldn’t even leave a note.
I’ve thought many times about why Ian committed suicide and I thought about it again when I read your letter, Beast. It would be so easy to trace Ian’s death back to that match, the one he said he would not unlight if he could. The one that made him appear to be a monster and therefore unfit for romantic love, while also making him rich and therefore happy. That match is so temptingly symbolic, like something hard and golden in a fairy tale that exacts a price equal to its power.
But I don’t think his death can be traced back to that. I think it goes back to his decision to close himself off to romantic love, to refuse to allow himself even the possibility of something so very essential because of something so superficial as the way he looked. And your question to me — the very core of it — is circling around the same thing. It’s not will I ever find someone who will love me romantically? — (though in fact that question is there and it’s one I will get to) — but rather am I capable of letting someone do so?
This, sweet pea, is where we must dig.
You will never have my permission to close yourself off to love and give up. Never. You must do everything you can to get what you want and need, to find “that type of love.” It’s there for you. I know it’s arrogant of me to say so, because what the hell do I know about looking like a monster or a beast? Not a thing. But I do know that we are here, all of us — beasts and monsters and beauties and wallflowers alike — to do the best we can. And every last one of us can do better than give up.
Especially you. Anyone who has lived in the world for 26 years looking like what he is — “a broken man” — is not “just average on the inside.” Because of that, the journey you take to find love isn’t going to be average either. You’re going to have to be brave. You’re going to have to walk into the darkest woods without a stick. You aren’t conventionally attractive or even, as you say, “normal-looking,” and as you know already, a lot of people will immediately X you out as a romantic partner for this reason. That’s okay. You don’t need those people. By stepping aside, they’ve done you a favor. Because what you’ve got left after the fools have departed are the old souls and the true hearts. Those are the uber-cool sparkle rocket mind blowers we’re after. Those are the people worthy of your love.
And you, my dear, are worthy of them. By way of offering up evidence of your didn’t-even-get-started defeat, you mentioned movies in which “the ugly characters are redeemed by being made beautiful in time to catch the eye of their love interest,” but that’s not a story I buy, hon. We are way more ancient than that. We have better, truer stories. You know that fairy tale called Beauty and the Beast? Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont abridged Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve’s original La Belle et la Bête in 1756 and it is her version that most of us know today. There are many details that I’ll omit here, but the story goes roughly like this:
A beautiful young woman named Belle lives with a beast in a castle. Belle is touched by the beast’s grace and generosity and compelled by his sensitive intelligence, but each night when the beast asks Belle to marry him, she declines because she’s repulsed by his appearance. One day she leaves the beast to visit her family. She and the beast agree that she’ll return in a week, but when she doesn’t the beast is bereft. In sorrow, he goes into the rose garden and collapses. That is how Belle finds him when she returns, half-dead from heartbreak. Seeing him in this state, she realizes that she truly loves him. Not just as a friend, but in that way, and so she professes her love and weeps. When her tears fall onto the beast, he is transformed into a handsome prince.
What I want you to note is that Belle loved the beast when he was still a beast — not a handsome prince. It is only once she loved him that he was transformed. You will be likewise transformed, the same as love transforms us all. But you have to be fearless enough to let it transform you.
I’m not convinced you are just yet. You say that people like you, but don’t consider you a “romantic option.” How do you know that? Have you made overtures and been rebuffed or are you projecting your own fears and insecurities onto others? Are you closing yourself off from the possibility of romance before anyone has the chance to feel romantically toward you? Who are you interested in? Have you ever asked anyone out on a date or to kiss you or to put his or her hands down your pants?
I can tell by your (articulate, honest, sad, strong) letter that you are one cool cat. I’m pretty certain based on your letter alone that a number of people would consider putting their hands down your pants. Would you let one of them? If the answer is yes, how would you respond once he or she got there? I don’t mean to be a dirty smart ass (though I am, in fact, a dirty smart ass). I mean to inquire — without diminishing the absolute reality that many people will disregard you as a romantic possibility based soley on your appearance — about whether you’ve asked yourself if the biggest barrier between you and the romantic hot monkey love that’s possible between you and the people who will — yes! without question! — be interested in you is not your ugly exterior, but your beautifully vulnerable interior. What do you need to do to convince yourself that someone might see you as a lover instead of a friend? How might you shut down your impulse to shut down?
These questions are key to your ability to find love, sweet pea. You asked me for practical matchmaking solutions, but I believe once you allow yourself to be psychologically ready to give and receive love, your best course is to do what everyone who is looking for love does: put your best self out there with as much transparence and sincerity and humor as possible. Both online and in person. With strangers and among your circle of friends. Inhabit the beauty that lives in your beastly body and strive to see the beauty in all the other beasts. Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe that the fairy tale is true.
Yours,
Sugar
78 responses
Oh god, this is, for lack of a better word… beautiful.
What Sharanya said.
And I mean both the question as well as the answer.
I think you’d be surprised how many of us think we’re ugly and unlovable. You have a more up-front reason for those doubts, but yours are just as unwarranted as anyone else’s.
Let it happen.
Amazing, as usual, Sugar.
Happiness is another week when I get to live in love w/ Sugar. xo
Sugar, how do you have such perfect tales? That question contains both a compliment and an insult. I love reading your column, love your writing, love your insight. Perfect. But here I am, amazed and so doubting that all your stories could be true, accusing you of maybe lying. I’m writing this comment because I want to be reassured. I’m younger than you, and more sheltered. So that might explain some things. But how is it that in the last few weeks, you’ve had an apt anecdote for every question you’ve answered, and thus you’ve been able to provide not just advice but narrative therapy? I know you get to pick which questions you answer. So you can pick the questions you know you can answer well. Perfect. But it’s in my nature to worry good things are too good to be true. So Sugar, can you tell me here and now that you mean it, no lie, you really knew Ian and the sink said Made in Argentina and that girl really worked at the Taco Bell?
Someone might reply to me, “why does it even matter?” That’s a good question. I’ll answer it later if I need to. But for now I’ll just say, to me it really does.
Thanks Sugar.
so much love. the words are bursting with it. i’m not sure how one person can be so honest and so loving at the same time… damn perfection.
I have dated the handsomest and most physically appealing of men: men renowned for their beauty and physical prowess. I also once fell in love with someone who was blind and very disfigured: crazy, insatiable love. And within no time at all, he was incredibly beautiful to me. Not beautiful as in: I love him so I don’t care what he looks like. Beautiful as in: he was so beautiful that, even though he was blind, I sometimes had to look away from him in order to talk to him.
Please, Beast, while you’re reviewing Sugar’s recommended fairy tale, read Geek Love as well.
Beautiful column, Sugar.
I promise you, Rachel, all those things are true. I wouldn’t write them here if they weren’t. In my “real life” I write both fiction and memoir and I consider my Sugar columns to be memoir, so I take the “truth” very seriously in my columns. (I put “truth” in quotes because this truth I’m telling here is my truth–subjective, of course.) The one thing I do is change slight details to protect other people’s privacy. For example, Desire did work (and approach me) at a popular food chain, but it wasn’t Taco Bell. The sink that was made in Argentina was really made in Argentina and it had a sticker that said so, just as I described (which is now on a card). Ian is rendered precisely as I remember him, as is his accident (the only change I made was to give him a fictional name). Before I sent this column to the people at The Rumpus yesterday, I sent it to a friend who also knew Ian because I wanted to make sure that I portrayed him accurately (again, within my own entirely subjective lens).
Your question is one I get a lot–as Sugar and as myself–and I think there are a couple of things at play here:
1. I have not had a sheltered life. Not remotely. And my experiences have been widely varied–so much so that it’s a bit ridiculous and my friends often tease me about it. I’m aware that life comes across as less true than fiction at times, which is why you have your doubts, but what can I say except to tell you that I am telling you the truth? Frankly, I’ve barely tapped into my history in this column. There is *much* Sugar has yet to reveal.
2. I am a writer and huge part of being a writer is paying attention. I think in stories. I take note. I remember details and gestures and dialogues. I narrate stories to myself in my head and I always have. Because I think in stories, those stories and experiences come to me when I contemplate the questions that people send to me. My stories are often the best answer I have.
There are many more stories to tell. We’ve only begun, sweet pea.
Thank you all for your very kind words. I so appreciate you reading my column.
Love,
Sugar
You know, I could have written this letter. I’ve been a fat, awkward girl my entire life and while my personality has always attracted plenty of friends, when it comes to romantic relationships, I might as well not exist. People just don’t see me.
Now I can’t speak to the experiences of the gentleman who wrote the letter, but there is something about being completely ignored as a romantic prospect that just sucks the hope right out of you. Have it happen your whole life and you start to wonder if the universe is trying to tell you something, that you’re just destined to never ever be loved or looked at with admiration or chosen above all others. You try to find some way to reprogram your brain to not long for romantic companionship and instead find meaning in being really good at your job or traveling and having new experiences, but no matter what you try, that longing never goes away.
And no one else gets it, not your friends, not even the most empathetic and sweet advice columnist on the planet. You start to feel really, really alone in the world.
Which is why I’m so glad that Beast wrote this letter and that you chose to respond to it. It’s very reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who has experienced this feeling, this shame of never being wanted ‘in that way’. Maybe there are more of us. Maybe if we could connect with each other we wouldn’t have to feel so alone.
Thanks again Sugar. xoxo
Thank you both.
I have a coworker who is very attractive, very successful, very popular and quite a bit famous, okay, a lot famous. His wife, also beautiful, successful and famous, left my coworker for a man she interviewed who was burned over 85% of his body. The wife said she had found someone that understood her from the inside. The wife, many years later is married and very happy with the burned man she left with. My coworker recently married another woman, much younger than he, who is also beautiful and successful and will soon be famous. I guess they have all found the love they need. I admire my co-worker’s ex-wife more than I have ever admire him, and think she is the one that has found true love.
I don’t think everyone who wants to, and who puts themselves out there, finds romantic love. I completely agree that the only way to live fully is to put yourself out there, to hope always, and act on how lovely you know yourself to be, how lovable we all are. But I think CarrieP names it well – it’s lonely to be refused so often. And sometimes, it isn’t because you aren’t putting yourself out there, or because of something you did. It’s because Beauty and the Beast is a fairy tale.
Which isn’t to say that you won’t find love. It sounds like both the letter-writer and CarrieP have. And I am not at all saying either that they (or I, for that matter) won’t ever find romantic love, or sexual love, or both together. But if we don’t, it isn’t necessarily because of our failure to risk rejection. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work out.
Which I think is very very hard for people for whom it often works out to understand, really.
Aside from the terribly important letter, beyond the multi-moraled story, not to mention the lovely answer Sugar gives in support —
I was struck by the intelligent, thoughtful, articulate writing of Mr. Limp. And when he asked for new ideas to matchmaking I had a few instant suggestions. If I may share two?
WOOING WITH WORDS.
Sir, your self-expression is so enjoyable, so direct and masculine, it made me think of a book I’ve just bought (and read a great excerpt of on Amazon, I guess): WHICH BRINGS ME TO YOU by Steve Almond & Julia Baggott — about two people who decide to get to know each other through letters (like in ye olden days, when I was courted.)
I don’t know if a modern ‘Lonelyhearts Club’ still exists, but I’d think that a service that introduces Pen Pals to people who mutually understand that they’re not likely to be chosen for romantic passion based on looks might be a great way for girls/boys (you didn’t day) who share your concerns to find each other. And to get to know you intimately, to fall for you before they meet you in person, knowing all about what you described to us. Not a bio and a few emails, but letters over weeks, phone calls, connection — both with mutual fears, needs, desires, and love to give based on who you are inside.
REVERSE THE POWER.
Right now you let your looks have power over you, as if you’d be guaranteed true love if only you didn’t look 100% the way you do. But what if you were sought after for your looks? Yes, it can happen. Get commercial and acting headshots and body photos taken (they’re two different styles of photography, I suggest two different photographers who specialize in one each; even photo students if you’re tight on cash.) You don’t have to be able to act, although I’d certainly advise everyone to take an Improv workshop (at least 6 weeks!) and an acting class can never hurt anyone, especially a guy with your emotional well, intelligence, and curiosity.
As soon as you get your shots printed up to show you as you really are and a commercial composite that shows a range from “off-beat” to “scary” (no glamour shots trying to hide behind conformity), and even before finishing your classes (yes, sign up at the local JC if you’re broke, just do it) send your shots out to Agencies that represent “real & specialty” faces — print ads, commercials, even TV shows like HOUSE need people who look like you — even if you never say a word, you’ll be paid for your looks. Looks that NO ONE BUT YOU have. Looks that they need, will write for, will pay you for. I’m not talking about selling “the Elephant Man” — I’m talking about taking charge of something that is uniquely yours and making it work for you.
The more success you experience (and you’ll be making money for your agent too, so he’s thrilled), the more power you’ll feel over your physical destiny. That incites your confidence. Confidence is attractive. Your comfort with yourself, the fact that you make friends easily, your way with words and your emotional dreams all add to the package. And maybe if you can do some good with your looks, you won’t decide for other people what is or isn’t lovable or romantic or sexy about you.
If you have interest in either idea, feel free to tweet me or email me (just add aol to the end of my name) and I’ll list the resources that might help in your city. (Actually, just for the 2nd idea, to help you get started faster/smarter/safer.
Not like you asked me. But that’s what Sugar’s lovely column inspires: supportive buttinsky-ing.
Sugar honey, your description of your point #2: “I am a writer” was one of the best summaries of this crazy life I’ve ever read. And we are so much the richer for your writing.
Rock on kids,
~TheGirlPie
a beautiful question and beautiful answer, of course. i just want to say, in accord with everything Sugar has said, that in my experience with people who are disabled or disfigured or just plain at-first-glance unattractive, it’s all about the individual’s projection. if he projects the possibility of romantic attraction, then there it is. not the self-conscious hyper-projection of romantic possibilities, of course, but just confidence, plain and true. because it’s not about the people who will love you in-spite-of or because-of-your-particular-strength-from your appearance, but it’s that, for those people, the “ugly” won’t even exist. that won’t be what it’s about. and it’ll happen naturally when that’s not what it’s about for you.
This column was wonderful. I’m 24, and every bit of this resonated. As someone with an invisible genetic illness, I fully understand the fear that no matter what I will never be able to have a functional romantic relationship. I know it’s hardly the same situation, but on most days, I feel equally beastly and unlovable. I’ll be honest and say this now: Dear Beast, if you speak like you write, I’d be sold on you no matter what you look like. There are very few wonderfully articulate and masculine men in this world; please don’t deprive us intelligent women of another one by giving up hope.
As someone who studied storytelling as a academic genre, I’d advise you to read some versions of Beauty and the Beast, starting with Beaumont’s version. In many, the Beast is a truly sexy figure because of his intelligence, his caring, and his very masculine qualities.
Thanks for answering this, Sugar, and thanks for submitting, Dearest Beast.
Sugar, I love your column. I have saved several of your responses, to remind myself to live life to the full, and to be kind to myself and others.
Beauty and the Beast is a morality tale about loving someone for their insides. It’s not a tale that promises that someone will fall in love with you for your insides.
We live in a screwed up world. It’s racist, sexist, homophobic, and (at least the western middle class educated world) it hates fat people. Do we, the loyal readers of your column, feel that way? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean the world is fair. Notice how many fairy tales/movies/stories there are about beautiful princes learning to love homely women? Especially overweight ones?
Stop blaming the disabled, disfigured, plain-at-first glance person for not being confident, everyone. Stop asking them to believe that the world will treat everyone fairly if we are just positive and self loving! Better yet, stop believing that you have good luck in love because you are positive and self-loving. That’s the flipside, right?
We have lots of agency. We can do things differently, we can all risk more, love more. Let’s all be balls out for life! Or whatever expression suits. But please, could we not pretend that it will guarantee anything except a passionate life? Anything except a life with perhaps fewer regrets, more joy, more pain, more scars, and more depth?
A desperate plea from a longtime lonelyheart — please stop pretending it’s our fault. We are not less whole, less self-realized, less confident, less self-loving than the average dating or married bear. We are just single. That’s all. It won’t kill us and it won’t kill you. Although, in this world right now, fixated on couples and romantic love, it will hurt sometimes.
I read this while waiting to hear from my unbearably good-looking, unbearable ex-boyfriend, who I decided to get back with because I am tired.
I am not disfigured. I am not ugly. I believe I am, and it is so. The men who could be good to and for me either lose romantic interest within minutes or immediately place me in the friend category and talk to me about girls as if I weren’t one. The ones whose interest I hold are self-involved and greedy. They are always good-looking.
I give up hope regularly. Last night it happened when I watched my friend treat a girl like a girl. I wanted to be a girl. I texted the ex.
I am waiting for him to call. He is two hours late. We operate on his time. Do I deserve better? The question no longer matters to me. I don’t believe I’ll do better. I made the decision to settle, knowing I will never love him.
He texted. He wants to come over. His beauty makes me feel less ugly. He will never want to know me. It is easier.
I should not let him come. I am so tired. He will stay if I let him. Your advice is perfect. I hope that your lovely advisee takes it. Thank you for making me take pause. I will try harder next time.
I love you, Sugar! And Beast!
I found both the original letter, the response, and the comments to be very interesting indeed — as a woman who has been criticized for being ugly ever since I was a small child, and who inexplicably and bizarrely found, at the age of 36, a kind of love that a lot of beautiful people don’t have.
And you know … I have to say, I didn’t find it by being confident. I went into the relationship still feeling like an ugly piece of crap. But I did know what I had to offer *despite* being an ugly piece of crap, which is, I suppose, a kind of confidence — but it’s not the unrealistic confidence of pretending to think you’re wonderful when the world repeatedly and relentlessly tells you you’re not; it was more a realistic assessment of what I had, and what I didn’t have. I knew that what I had wasn’t what most men wanted … and that therefore I wasn’t looking for most men; I was looking for that one in a million guy who would want what I had to offer.
But what was helpful to me was really knowing that I would be okay waiting for that, even if it never happened, and also that I was willing to keep looking for it. Lara’s right — there’s nothing wrong with being single, and single people can have deeply fulfilling, fulfilled, and profoundly loving lives. And I think that perspective, rather than a factitious self-belief that few ugly people ever going to have, is the healthy basis for perhaps actually finding love. At least, that’s what worked for me. I knew I’d never be confident or self-loving until some facet of lovableness was mirrored to me by someone who saw a glimpse of it. But I did know I had enough self-respect to live as well as I could in spite of that. And interestingly, that self-respecting and honest life caught someone’s eye despite my pervasive knowledge of my own ugliness and my belief that I was unlovable.
I have been wading through the comments on the evangelical pastor interview from July 21st (because the discussion is still going on and I need to approve many of them) side by side with the comments on this piece. The contrast could not be greater. The comments on the other piece are pretty depressing, but the comments on this one give me hope again. Thank you all for being real here…
dearest sugar – this is only the 2nd column i’ve read by you but i already adore you. you remind me of a writer i know who, like you, is a gift to the world for simply existing.
i’m surprised no one has mentioned the movie “shrek” here. “ugly” ogre is happy w/his “ugly” self and only feels the need to be handsome when he falls for the beautiful princess who is actually ashamed of her “ugly” secret – she also turns into an ogre at night. the difference between this fairy tale and all the others is that, in the end, they love each other just as they are; “ugly” green ogres w/warts who fart and burp. that’s true love. the writer didn’t feel the need to follow the standard story line of “beast turns into handsome prince w/love” or “warty old frog turns into handsome prince by a princess’s kiss” and the all live happily ever after. know why? cuz it’s bullshit.
i’m pretty, only a bit overweight now since the birth of my twins 2 1/2 years ago. in my 20s and 30s, i had a hot little body i didn’t have to work for and natural good looks w/perfect skin, big eyes and long blond hair. i didn’t just turn heads, i broke necks. am i bragging? nope. cuz i was, and still am, miserable. true love doesn’t come to pretty people either. not the soul-searing, emotionally-deep, take-your-breath-away, can’t-live-without-you love you’re looking for. know that song by matchbox 20 called “push”? look it up if you don’t. the line, “i don’t know if i’ve ever been really loved… by a hand that’s touched me.. and i feel like something’s got to give… and i’m a little bit angry…”, hits my nerve like ice cold water on deep, open cavity. it sums up my life in just a few lines. i was miserable hot and i’m miserable now w/my looks slowly fading but still there. know why? the only men attracted to me are attracted to me for solely superficial reasons. one of my best friends is beautiful but extremely shallow. she’s miserable too. her whole world is all about her hair being perfectly straight, her fake nails and the size of her ass. she’ll never realize how beautiful she is and she will always feel empty. her fiance is good looking. know why he’s with her? because she makes him look good. they aren’t happy. they fight constantly and loathe and despise each other. i won’t even go into my marriage as i think i’ve made my point. happily ever after based on how you look? *cough*bullshit*cough*
with this post, i am sending all of you peace and acceptance, hope and love. without those things, we lose our fire, that fire that keeps us alive by burning us sometimes.
kat
oh sugar, how is it that you always raise goosebumps and open my heart, right here, online? And how is it you attract (or choose to respond to) such hard and gritty questions? True talent at being you the best way you can be. Thanks again for being willing to share some of your sugar world with us. And man with an appearance that makes it hard to find love in the conventional way aka Beast with a Limp, is it okay to say you inspire me to live as close to my truth as possible, by your honest words and your open questioning? I hope you find a way to be open to being loved ‘in that way’, I hope you never settle for closing off to that. You sound like one very special guy.
Holy hell. Thank God for Kelly Diels or I would have never found this. What a beautiful beautiful (did I say beautiful?) compassionate post. And what courage The Beast had in reaching out.
It will be a challenge. Simple fat folks, even beautiful ones, ask the exact same questions. Will there be love? Old folks ask too.
But I think your reply was spot-on.
Chills.
K.
Seconded, Lara.
Sugar’s advice is basically the same as in that book “The Secret” — that belief about future outcomes in your life will cause them to happen. And it’s bullshit. If you’re a relatively attractive or normal person, yes, a boost in openness and confidence will probably lead to better outcomes. But don’t go telling people with real disadvantages that it’s all in their heads, no matter how you sugar-coat it. To make an imperfect analogy, it’s like telling black people that racism would go away if they just stopped complaining about it and believing in it, or telling migrant workers that their undocumented status is only an obstacle if they allow it to hold them back. Wake up to your privilege, already.
Sugar’s response was sophistry. No woman is equipped to respond to a man in this situation, no matter what she’s seen. We’re 2 different species. But there is hope. There are ways of becoming higher-value in the way that a woman needs to see you. You can go to another country where Americans will always be seen as “higher-value”. You can take up a higher-value profession: i.e. medicine. You can write a book about yourself. And so on. Don’t listen to those who tell you to give up hope. But even so, you say, there is no way you can make yourself a higher-value person in the eyes of womankind, even if you followed my suggestions? Well, then you’re fucked, and no amount of sophistry can change that.
Carrie P: In you I recognized my own daughter, who I loved beyond life itself. She was born big-boned, and ignored as a romantic possibility. I’m sure it broke her heart many a time, as it did mine.
She is 40 now, and at long last has found a physical love that has taken her outside my circle of influence. But I don’t mind.
“Love alone can make the fallen angel rise
For it takes Two Together to enter Paradise”
I can’t get that sleeve of saltines out of my head. Your column is my favorite medicine.
Thank you.
As usual, Sugar’s advice was gracious and encouraging; and she’s right. Pretty is as pretty does and anyone with a heart can see that. Additionally, one may think being born white or attractive is beneficial, and they’re not wrong, but those characteristics can also turn you into a spoilt, lame person who’s shallow and entitled.
Her friend Ian chose to end his life. There’s mercy in that also. Misery is a choice. I’m tired of whiners who are committed to their victimhood; no matter what they look like and Sugar’s advice was the sweetest nudge I’ve read in ages.
Full Disclosure: I am a cripple, and in my match.com profile I write:
I AM A CRIPPLE. I DON’T WALK VERY WELL.
I am also quite elderly. But get this: there are probably more women in love with me now than my entire previous life put together. In the internet age there are women who will be specifically drawn to you. They existed as well in former times, but it was difficult to find them. The internet changed that. Start writing your match.com profile.
first i’d just like to say that i adore you, sugar, and i adore your columns. but this is the first one in which i felt a bit disappointed. i believe your advice is good advice, absolutely, as it always is. but i do not think it is as simple as suggesting to beast that he open his heart and “put his best self out there”. it seems to be he is already (perhaps not entirely, but probably mostly) doing that, no? he cared enough to write this letter. he’s lonely — most of us are. and it’s noble of him to admit that he could be doing things differently, such as lose weight. but nowhere in his letter did he mention wanting to find true love, and yet most comments here seem to suggest that the fairy tale exists, and he need only believe it. maybe the question is not whether he believes it. maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. and generally speaking, maybe one does, maybe one doesn’t. but believing does not mean someone will find love. i’m sure we’d all agree on that. but one thing that people are not mentioning here is that love can be wholly arbitrary. gorgeous, wonderful, ugly, deformed, cruel, and terrible people alike find love. i’m sure we all know people about whom we’ve thought: i can’t believe THEY found love. what’s more, what that “love” entails means different things, both to the people experiencing that love, and to the world at large. all i’m saying is that “putting one’s best self out there” can be difficult, exhausting, or easy, depending on the person. i am a young, attractive female. i’ve been in love and also had my heart broken. i am very, very open to it. i would say i’m just as open to having my heart broken as i am to finding love, simply because i am not scared of having my heart broken if it means i’m on the path to finding love. i’m also worried a healthy amount that i won’t find true love. and i’m not saying that it will be harder for me than beast or some of the others who’ve written into this column. but i don’t think any of this can be summed up in an advice column (and again, sugar, i’d just like to add here that your column is SO MUCH MORE than an advice column). i’d be interested to hear what beast has to say in response to this. i would be surprised if his response was along the lines of “thank you, you’re right, i suppose i do need to put my best self forward and open myself up to the possibility of love.” maybe he feels a little bit saddened by your response that it’s more up to him than he thought. maybe that’s a good thing. maybe he’s completely inspired, which i hope he is, because again, it surely is good advice not to mention a completely inspiring tale. but especially if he has many good friends, which he says he has, then i would hope they’ve told him similar things in the past. maybe beast, and others like him, are at times looking for nothing more than to be inspired, and maybe that’s enough. but i can’t help but think that no one yet has said the hard thing: that he might not find love, and it’s possible that it might be because he has a “harder” time than others. it’s also possible that i, or other readers, might not find love, which would be for all kinds of other reasons, as well. again, beast’s letter was less about finding LOVE and more about finding romance, or help with matchmaking ideas, which are of course much different than love. maybe he phrased it that way out of fear of sounding too idealistic or pathetic. but it seems like he’s a pretty cool cat, as you said, sugar. one who’s looking to have fun, and have good dating experiences, which might (hopefully) lead to love, and is looking for ways to increase those possibilities due to aforementioned setbacks. and i think that’s the right idea. i think that applies in general terms, and not just to beast, who i am not necessarily trying to defend or single out in this response. but i think love is love, whatever that means. if he finds it — if those of us who haven’t yet found it, and do — then it’s more than just because we were open to it, and put ourselves out there to find it, which is necessary. it’s also because we, too, are imperfect, and scared, and lucky.
I was wondering all day about this conversation, where it would go, what people would say. These comments all interest me.
I do think Sugar’s advice is gracious and encouraging, and agree that pretty is as pretty does. Good love comes from knowing that. But romantic love is more mysterious than winning or losing, and love is a lot bigger than coupling, although it includes it. CarrieP, “Beast”, our stories are beautiful already, whether or not they have happy endings. As James Baldwin said, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war, love is a growing up.”
Joan, thank you for your story and comment. It helped me a lot. I’m going to quote you, cause it should be said again:
“I knew I’d never be confident or self-loving until some facet of lovableness was mirrored to me by someone who saw a glimpse of it. But I did know I had enough self-respect to live as well as I could in spite of that. And interestingly, that self-respecting and honest life caught someone’s eye despite my pervasive knowledge of my own ugliness and my belief that I was unlovable.”
No one answer, no one story — many stories, many answers, gains, and losses.
Lovely sentiments, but the reality of our world is if you lack superficial beauty you will have fewer options, and with sufficiently few options you may not find one among them who is compatible. I’m not saying this to be a jerk, I’m saying it as an ugly 27 year old woman for whom this is a reality. Fairy tales are lovely, but often that’s all they are. I’m sure you all feel like you’re being supportive and encouraging, but quite frankly it reads as patronization, because I don’t have a lot of faith that you would turn away an attractive partner for one who is an equally good person but less physically appealing. It is human nature to want to look at something pleasant, and those who are unpleasant looking quite often face the thought of decades of life ahead and no one to share it with. In a culture where you can’t watch a tv show or movie (or even, quite often, a commercial) without having to watch someone else enjoy a romantic subplot, that can be tantamount to the universe saying “this is the most important thing in the world, and you can’t do it. What the hell good are you?”
Here’s the thing – I don’t mind saying that I’m attractive. I am. It’s not vanity; six feet tall, long legs, long, thick, curly deep auburn hair. By all of society’s standards I’m attractive. My best friend in the world is attractive as well, but in a completely different way: she’s around 100 lbs heavier than she’d like to be, dresses impeccably, has a face like a Botticelli angel, stunning smile, laugh like a baby’s, you get the point.
She and I were bo
Nothing much more needs to be said here! Let me just suggest for the BeastMan and other men out there who struggle with this stuff: there is loads of advice, both good, great, and terrible, out there on the ‘net regarding romance, relationships, and more importantly for guys, the initiation phase. It’s advice by men, for men, and believe me, brother: it’s well thought out, well tested, and worthwhile.
My favorite author on the matter is David DeAngelo–one of the things he focuses on in the whole process of meeting women and dating is your “internal game,” which, like mentioned elsewhere here, has to do with your relationship to yourself and to people in general. Also check out Neil Strauss– he first chronicled a semi-secret society of “pick up artists,” and then subsequently became one of the most renowned and skilled, evolving his own methods. Please don’t assume or judge before you check these two out–it’s absolutely NOT about disrespect, “womanizing” or manipulation; It is entirely about personal development, communication skills and the modern processes of romance, about which many of us have no clue. [Ladies, I understand there is good info out there for you too, but I can’t recommend any names. Some of the communities of these two authors though DO say many of the techniques work for women, too, which isn’t so surprising.]
Good luck out there. I’ll be stumbling through this giving good effort at this with you!
I did a lot of thinking last night after reading this entry, commenting and reading others. I realized that in my case, Sugar’s advice really did apply. I AM afraid of connecting with other people. I DO subtly shut down to avoid encounters with people I meet because of this fear. So today I tried something different. I made a concerted effort to notice when that fear was bubbling up and open to it instead of shutting down.
And let me tell you, it changed my entire day. Random people started conversations with me in elevators, two different guys smiled at me on the street, and without even trying I made a new friend at the gym. It was as if by opening myself up instead of shutting down I made the world open up to me as well. No, I’m not saying I magically found romantic love in a day by being less closed off, but I did find a connection with the outside world that I had heretofore been lacking. That is pretty amazing.
xo Sugar. Thanks again.
I was insensitive earlier and after reading more comments and responses, I need to amend something I said. Misery isn’t always a choice, because I know plenty of people with major depression and bipolar disorders for whom suicidal impulses are not a choice.
An example is Sugar’s friend Ian. It’s not clear that there is a direct correlation to Ian’s suicide and his disfigurement but clearly he was depressed. However, in the context of the column, and the thoughtful, varied responses, I want to say that I know plenty of geometrically beautiful people who think they are hideous monsters and behave as such. They shirk compliments. They make themselves puke. Personally, I’m someone who is told by others that I’m pretty and men pay to touch me however, I feel ugly most days. That said, It’s an inside job. Someone mentioned The Secret and how it’s bullshit. If I wrote myself a thousand dollar check right now, that fucker would bounce to China. But, confidence is an aphrodisiac. In that respect, The Secret is onto something.
I have a friend who has a very noticeable limp and he’s the hottest thing going. His humor is sardonic and he’s a talented writer. What I’m saying, Sugar and everyone, is that If you think you’re hot, I think you’re hot.
It’s NOT a fairy tale.
Dear writer (who thinks he is ugly),
I weigh 210 pounds and am 5’5″. I met a man online, whose outside was perfect (what? he wanted to meet me? did he see my photo?). We met.
After an 8 year marriage that ended in divorce, after endless dating disasters, hook-ups, embarrassments, and rejections, after lies and relationships full of mess and ickyness – I meet this man, who loves me for me.
He’s quieter, a little gentler inside than his outside projects. I’m the boisterous one in a crowd, he slips beside me, lets me carve the way through. Our mutual strengths and frailties work like that, all the way across the fault line that bonds us together.
BUT…I am just overweight (although it’s been not a “just” issue for me).
My friend is 3.5 feet tall. He is missing one arm from the elbow down, his other arm ends in a hand with only 2 fingers. He is smart, and funny, and way more positive than my nature will ever permit. And he has been in a relationship more often than anyone I’ve met. Not a lot of relationships, just he’s in one usually, long solid laughing ones.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING – girls are not like guys. Girls are way more likely to see past physical things. Get to know a girl, and she’ll start seeing *you.* I think it’s harder in the reverse.
You can totally find love. Be honest about who you are, and think like my friend does about beauty. He says, honestly: “I find almost everyone beautiful. There’s always beauty if you just look in the right places.”
I’ve been scared of not being loved, so scared, but then I find this wonderful man (we’re engaged after 3 years) and I thank god for him. Don’t give up. Just widen out in where you look, who might likewise be beautiful for you. DATE ONLINE!! Be honest about who you are. You might have to date someone lower down on the looks category (I always expected that – the fact that this handsome guy fell for me still shocks the hell out of me – but I dated less attractive guys too). Just get out there and do it!
With lots of love and compassion and an aching heart, because there are lots of good women looking for a truly good man,
xoxo
Many of these comments resonate with me. I’m 26 year old woman who has never had a single person interested in me – ever. I am a virgin and I’ve never been kissed. I was morbidly obese for a large part of my life. I’ve made necessary changes in my life and now I am finally on track to being my ideal weight.
I was invisible for the largest part of my life. This was partly because I was obese (no one liked hanging out with a fattie in their teens) but I also helped it along by withdrawing from others. I felt uncomfortable with my size so I didn’t want to inflict myself on others. I became so good at isolating myself that I would spend every night of the week at home, alone. I did this for years. At the end the isolation was soul crushing. There is no other word powerful enough to describe the feeling. It warps everything around you, makes it harder and harder to find joy in the simple things. Were it not for the love of my immediate family, I have no idea where I would be today.
Luckily I made changes and now I’m on track for a different life. 🙂 When I look back on my life so far I am both ashamed and proud. Ashamed I let myself become what I was. Yet proud that I grew to be a strong, gentle person who loves deeply and whose loyalty to loved ones can never be questioned.
I am quietly hopeful that one day someone somewhere will take a look at me and think ‘hmm, I’d like to know more about her’. I have to remind myself all the time that while I may not be a stunning beauty, I am not downright feral looking, I have a good personality and I am a kind and generous soul. I pray that with these things I’ll be able to find and keep someone.
To Beast and others in his place my only message is never give up. Try, try and try again. I constantly have to remind myself that if I don’t try, I will never achieve. Like my wise father always says – “the hardest battle you’ll ever fight is with yourself”. Fight that voice in your head saying that you’ll never find someone, that you’re not good enough.
I may never find someone, but I will not allow myself to look back and realize I never gave myself a chance to find someone. I will not allow my future self to regret or lament not putting myself out there. Am I petrified? Definitely, but I will gather my courage and try.
At the end of everything – it’s all anyone can do. Try.
This comment section is one of the most generous I’ve ever read, even with the disagreements and different takes it reveals. There isn’t anything more to say, probably, but I am going to take advantage of the generosity of this space to write one more time.
I am 41 and single, and have had a weirdly intense, non-standard, and variedly physical, romantic life, with long stretches of desert, absolute desert. I range from seriously homely to gorgeous, from the responses I get, depending on the day and the audience. Some days I curse the day I turned 39 (I had some good years, so cursing the day I was born seems extreme) and other days I feel lordly with love. I fight that fight against misery and despair, too. Thanks for returning to that, Antonia. It isn’t an easy battle.
Thank you, CarrieP, for the reminder to stay open. I think end up sounding too much like a wet blanket in my attempts to smash the idol of romantic love. But you are absolutely right – I’ve felt it too, and experienced it, that when you smile, often the world smiles with you. Thank you, Adelaide, too. And thank you Sugar, for providing this forum, for always encouraging us to choose life passionately.
Thanks, Gwen. That’s fantastic. I hope many people read it and believe the columnist. When I was younger, I would have said she was full of shit.
I was convinced that I was ugly. Looking back at photos of me from that period — hell, from… today! — I’m not so much ugly as nerdy/geeky. Back when I was in high school and in early college — back before Bill Gates — there was nothing “in” about being a nerd. I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was well into my 20s.
The thing about looks, though, is that they become excuses. This is as true for beautiful people as it is for ugly people. Think of all those model-attractive girls who say that men are intimidated by them. I am not doubting that they have romantic problems. But I am skeptical that it’s as simple as they think it is. But it’s EASY for them to think that way. It lets them off the hook. “There’s nothing I can do about it. Men just find me intimidating.”
This is VERY complicated, because it’s not like looks don’t matter. Sure, if I’d looked like Brad Pitt, I would have had a much easier time getting dates. But the dating game is so hard for EVERYONE that as much as we’re driving to play, we’re also driven to give up. We look for excuses.
Giving up is for losers. There is only one honorable way to give up. We allow people to give up if they have no choice. So if someone is really so ugly that it’s impossible for him (or her) to get a date, then, sure, it’s not his fault. In his shoes, we’d give up, too, right?
The truth was that in many ways I was a typical boy. I was scared of girls. I didn’t understand them. I was scared of making a fool of myself. I didn’t understand sexual mechanics. I didn’t understand how to learn sexual mechanics. Etc. So my looks became a great excuse. They meant I didn’t have to try.
I actually went to therapy to learn how to cope with a life of celibacy and loneliness. That’s what I said to my therapist on the first day. “Since I’m obviously going to be alone for the rest of my life, can you help me cope with it?” (At 22, it was “obvious” to me I was going to be alone for the rest of my life!)
(The funny thing is, I’d had a couple of girlfriends by then. But I justified them away. The were anomalies. I would be crazy to count on that happening again. That would be like winning big in Vegas TWICE. Come ON! And, after all, they broke up with me, didn’t they?)
My therapist tried to reason with me. She told me that if I couldn’t get a girlfriend, I might want to examine something a little deeper than my looks. I was sure she was wrong. All I had to do was look in a mirror and see the evidence. Duh! And so I quit therapy. I was angry when I quit. I wasn’t going to listen to anyone who was going to lure me into false hopes.
THAT was the real issue. I didn’t think I could handle rejection. So I didn’t take risks. Best way to not get burned is to stay away from fire.
Then, a couple of years later, I went to grad school. I started feeling really confident about myself. Not my looks — but they didn’t matter to me much any more. Because I knew who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I was directed. It showed.
Which was when I met the woman I eventually married. And now we’re 16 years into our relationship. Booyah!
But I so want to go back in time, find my younger self and fucking throttle him. The little idiot! If you know anyone like the young me — or like the guy in the article — don’t go easy on him. Tell him to get the fuck out there and try. Or to shut the fuck up and quit whining.
Ha! Sorry about the “Hi Gwen” at the top of my comment. A friend by that name alerted me to this column. My response was original to her. But I then pasted as a response here, forgetting to remove her name. Hi, again, Gwen! And everyone else!
Sugar,
I love your writing – you get to the heart of the matter. The matter here has morphed a bit, but Lara makes an excellent point – out society is uncomfortable with single people. (Attractive or not…)
How To Be Alone
http://www.youtube.com
So, I’m rarely moved to lust by site alone. But there was one time at the gym. There was this guy there, whose legs were, well, wilted. But he was there just the same. And when he had to move to another bench he let another guy lift him and carry him — and that had to cut the male ego.
But you know what, I began thinking, “Wow, a guy who can deal with that sort of trauma to his ego and still keep going, he is never going to let anything keep him from what he wants.”
And, well, yes, it made him very hot.
But I looked closer, and realized he wasn’t just hot to me. He had on a wedding band.
I read your title and the first three sentences. If you did not define the crux of your need/argument/sopism there then you are “chosing to lose.” Which -from the subject of your “subject” would not surprise me.
A. The presence or lack of beauty (ugliness) lies in every manifestation of the individual -e.g. if you think you are ugly you are, if such a handicap is not part of your essential outward view of the world then you ain’t.
B. Whenever you look around at a group of people and find a confirmation of your worst fears… trace them to the source “your worst fears”.
C. The moment after you have posed such a query for others to respond to you have; (without doubt)
> expressed a desire to be accepted in the role of a person who cannot live their own life without the adulation (really sport, there is no better word) of others.
> acknowledged the poverty of your intellect
> thrown yourself upon the “Thomism” of the universe at large.
You have two choice at this point:
1. Hide, grow, mature, interweave yourself through compassionate work.
or
2. Crawl into a cave, eat raw fish, hate others for not loving you the way you wish you could yourself.
Good luck.
t0mmyp
I’ve heard a lot of women bemoan their looks, their ages, their figures, their weight, and on and on. I tell them all the same thing: just take a look at the porn on the Internet. Every variety of every individual characteristic can be found somewhere, *and people are paying for it*. And once I have their attention with that (admittedly crude) fact, I point out:
Nobody is totally unattractive to everyone out there. And it goes both ways.
My boss at my last full-time job made no secret of it: he likes his women (well, his woman) large. I’ve seen his wife. I won’t say she’s unattractive; I’ll just say she’s not my type. But it doesn’t matter what I think. She’s got the one whose opinion matters. And I’ll be the last one to begrudge them all the hot monkey lovin’ they want.
I gave up at 36, six years ago. I mean, I was figuring I’d probably be single for the rest of my life, and there was no point in expending more energy trying to fight it. But less than a year later, I got totally blind-sided by someone telling me how much my sonnets had turned her on so many years before, and how difficult it was to keep her married mitts off of me. I honestly had no idea. Actually, that’s probably a good thing, or I would have burned that bridge and never heard from her later.
Well, now she’s not married. Due to life’s circumstances, seeing her has become a Herculean task, but we’re still making googly eyes at each other via email. We are seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel, and it isn’t a train coming in.
So my advice to Beast is: Patience. We tend to be our own worst critics, and you appear to be no exception. You may be very surprised to find out who is willing to challenge your conclusions about yourself. And when (not if) that happens, do yourself a favor and don’t return the challenge. After all, it’s that person’s opinion of you that counts. Whatever physical limitations your condition presents, are accepted by a true companion as simply scheduling issues, gladly borne in order to spend time with you.
Well, my advice to this person is take a vacation to the Philippines. I’m old and fat, but I swear, once I step off the plane suddenly I’m handsome. Getting hit on in the mall by women half my age handsome.
Seriously, visiting the 3rd World gives you some perspective. To a woman looking to improve her life (and the life of her family) appearance is at the bottom of the list of attributes. If you are employed, and treat the people with respect you will have all the attention you have ever craved and desired.
Trust me on this.
“…having received a settlement from the gas company” — because of a leak in the stove?
Okay. Apparently I’m going to be the lone contrarian here.
Beast, Sugar’s advice is lovely, but — no offense — it’s chick advice. We women need to hear this kind of stuff. It’s not going to help you, tho, unless you also get busy:
1. Lose weight/get fit. You are doubling your ugly by also letting yourself get fat. Man up and take control over the part of the equation that IS under your control. Side bonus: you will feel better physically, and stronger, and that alone will allow you to project a different persona when you talk to women.
2. Learn game and use it. When a man knows how to approach women with confidence his looks don’t matter nearly as much. OTOH, as long as you think of yourself as ugly and “broken,” that is how women are going to view you. How do you expect women to react?
There are tons of websites out there where men are exchanging tips on how to seduce women. Yes, it’s clinical as hell, but you will find the help you need to figure out how to push a woman’s buttons. Once you get to that point, just exercise good judgment before you make a long term commitment — pick a lady who is also honest and kind, not just willing to sleep with you. Be selective.
Doing these 2 things will take awhile. You will fail along the way from time to time. You will have to be patient with yourself. Think in terms of where you will be in 5 or 10 years, not next weekend. But I promise you if you do the things I listed here you’ll be fine.
@John M. – Those are not real relationships. They are Transaction-Based Relationships. “You will trade being young and pretty and Asian for my financially security”. They are not based on the traditional concept of an idealized relationship – someone sharing the journey, at a similar place in life, with similar mutual shared interests and being “on the same wavelength”. Don’t kid yourself.
@Contrarian – You’ve never been a male over 50 in Los Angeles, clearly. You can have all the ‘Game’ in the world and it doesn’t matter one iota when a woman’s likely reaction is “Is this dude old enough to be my Dad? Ewww.”
At some point we all reach that dreaded Shelf-life Expiration Date, and after that, no amount of being ‘swayve and de-boner’ matters one iota. (Unless you’re rich, of course. Then see “Relationship, Transaction-Based” as per above.)
(^*”financial”, not “financially”.)
I have to agree with lovely’s comment. While of course some can’t, there are a lot of women out there who can see past the physical once they get to know someone. My biggest crush in junior high wasn’t a cute boy from the basketball team, it was someone who limped because one entire side of his body was affected by a genetic disorder. He had no use of one hand because it was deformed, but I thought, and still think, he was one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.
I can only speak from personal experience, but Beast shouldn’t give up. I have M.D. and my body has slowly wasted away into a twisted wreck. I’m a 41 year old male and have used a wheelchair all of my adult life. I’m going to be sexist here, but women are attracted to men for different reasons than men are attracted to women. Keep putting yourself out there and go for it.
#1 Hot looking guys get shot down all the time, so rejection is based on any number of factors.
#2 You have to be confident enough to at least indicate your interest in a woman. I’ve been lucky enough to have women, for whatever reason, want to have meaningless sex with my messed up body. But I had to initiate the connection. If she’s not interested, ehh, join the club, and try again with someone else. Rejection happens to everyone, but persistence triumphs.
#3 Other people have hang-ups about thier looks as well, so they’ll be worried about what you think about them as well. It’s more of an equalizer than you think.
I hate platitudes and PC talk, but we all have our own handicaps. Some are more obvious. The key is accepting the disabilities as part of you and accepting that you have been shaped by the challanges you’ve faced. Being confident with yourself makes you more attractive.
Don’t go to the Third World and expect women to grovel over you, unless you want to feel worse about yourself.
Don’t try creepy player tactics, unless you want to feel worse about yourself.
Hold out for the real thing.
And a question for Sugar: What would your advice have been if Beast was a woman? Give up? There’s not a great obvious track record of men seeing beyond a woman’s visual assets, is there?
I wrote something a few days ago on this, but it was never published… As an ugly woman in today’s society, it gets exhausting to be constantly rejected based alone on first looks. It gets to where you feel so beat down and hopeless that it’s easier to just give up on the whole concept of dating and finding love and just be alone. However, that still makes one feel bad when you’re constantly being told to not give up and that you’re not whole, a real person until you’ve found your significant other. You can tell someone to keep trying to not give up, but the real issue is how do you keep doing that when you’re constantly being rejected over and over again. And lets say you do start to lose weight, or maybe, as in my case, are already at what is considered a healthy weight (5’5 and 130 lbs) and yet are still ugly? Still being looked down upon and rejected? I guess what I’m trying to say, is Beast, I sympathize and it sucks out there and though Sugar gave a good response, it still sucks so freaking much to keep being rejected and told to ‘never give up’ and ‘put yourself out there’ when you’ve done that in the past and are still alone now.
You may have seen this guy on This American Life…
http://www.lithiumcreations.com/
I don’t know how he does it, but by now he’s at least dated more than one woman, and he has gotten laid. So it has been done!
Wrote a comment, but it has not been published (yet). Trying again – though I hope the first makes it on here, cause it was longer and detailed. There are several dating websites for those with medical issues and/or physical limitations. Google it up and see if that appeals to you as an avenue to try.
Also, I’m an attractive, friendly woman. I’ve been trying for the last 15 years to find the right person without luck. It is not always easy, even if the externals are not the issue. Many of us are anomalous in many ways, and finding a fit can be very difficult. There are lots of us in the lonely club.
It just made me think of this lyric:
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late.
Believing yourself to be loveable and worthy of love from just one person is at the core of all faith.
I watched an inspiring BBC documentary lately about The Guinea-Pig club. This is a group of pilots from world war II who were horrifically burned in crashes etc and brought together at a hospital in east sussex for experimental plastic surgery by a Doctor called Archibald McIndoe. Plastic surgery was in it’s infancy and many of his techniques were his own experiments (hence the group referring to themselves as guinea pigs) as he developed ways to rebuild faces which were entirely ruined, developing skin grafts and creating new eyelids, noses etc to try and bring back a semblance of what they were before. Why I mention this is that McIndoe treated not only the physical problems, through often many surgery’s over months or years, but also endeavoured to ensure that his patients still regarded themselves as eligible attractive men, the ward itself had more the atmosphere of an officers mess with drink and music so the men did not become institutionalised as invalids, and,very policically incorrectly for nowadays, staffed the ward with attractive single nurses. He also encouraged them out into the local community and arranged social events to meet local girls. The documentary interviewed several of these girls who admitted to having initially been shocked at the guinea-pigs appearance, but having come to see through it to the personalities of the young men they then fell in love. As a result many of the guineapigs married their nurses or girls they met at these local dances and lead normal productive lives. I found the story truly inspiring and I think it is a great shame that similar rehabilitation does not seem to be available to burns victims (and victims of other disfiguring illnesses or accidents) today.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinea_Pig_Club
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0074q2f
http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/guinea_pig_club.htm
I think there is a lot to the concept that you have to open your heart before love finds you, and not wait for love to find you before you open your heart. Great love comes at great risk, but there can also be great reward. So many people who claim to want love aren’t really open to it. I’ve seen this many, many times and it certainly worked for me (a woman who is beautiful in a way that most men can’t/don’t see, alone for most of my adult life and fell in love at age 40).
This isn’t a solution for romantic love, but perhaps a pathway: have you considered visiting sex workers who are in the realm of courtesan, sexual healer or sacred prostitute? There are women and men out there who can give you nurturing touch, loving attention and perhaps help you work on things you can control like your approach or your appearance. And there are few things like a good lay to put a skip in your step and a smile on your face. Trust me, people notice that freshly-fucked look.
I have dabbled in providing this service for men from time to time, and have seen it happen. Example: I had put an ad up on Craigslist, and had it answered by a young man who was in town to film a movie. He and I went out to eat. He was a comedian and an actor, but he was shy and quite overweight and had heard a lot of women say, “oh, you’re so sweet, but I just think of you as my friend.” After dinner, I took him to bed, and at his request, embodied the goddess Aphrodite when we had sex. A couple of weeks later, he was in his hometown and met a woman, fell in love and subsequently married. He emailed me shortly after, and sounded so smitten. Maybe it was just coincidence, but perhaps it came from getting some action from the goddess of love herself.
It’s not exactly inexpensive, but there are worse things you money than spend it on pleasure.
Not to bring Dan Savage into this but…
Practical advice? I’m sure there’s a website where people with asymmetrical bodies can meet people who are really into (!) asymmetrical bodies. Why not do it the easy way? Actually, it took two seconds, here we go: http://www.amputeedate.com/ I mean, I like to get tied up… ETC., and most people at the bars weren’t really into THAT either. Creative, 21st century love, right? We can have it all!
And maybe get tattoos. They’re like a physical trump.
I hope you will accept my belated thanks for this generous response, Sugar. I only just mustered the courage to read your reply to my letter. When I saw myself reprinted I thought of the column I might write to this Beast With a Limp. It was decidedly ungenerous; I had the urge to punish this character for ever considering giving up on capital “L” Love. I figured you might feel the same way, and didn’t want to confront the external version of those sentiments right away.
What you’ve given me is so much better than an echo of those internal criticisms! Your words are full of love and grace, and I just wanted to let you know that they found their mark (marks, really given the comments).
Thanks to everyone else who commented with support and advice. If I do venture into the darkest woods, I’ll do so armed to the teeth.
Dear Beast,
A reader emailed me to tell me you’d posted here. I am so very glad my words were of use to you, sweet pea. Hundreds of people wrote to me to say that this column–which we wrote together–was moving and helpful to them (and of course, there is also this lively discussion here in the comments section). I’ve thought of you many times over the past weeks and hoped you’d be in touch. A couple of women emailed me asking me to pass on their email addresses to you. Send me an email at sugar@therumpus.net if you’d like to have them. My best to you in love and life, dear one.
Love,
Sugar
My brother is a young adult man with Downsyndrome who wants nothing more than to have a girlfriend and get married. He can’t hear well and consequently his speech is very slurred/hard to understand if you don’t know him.
He looks at me whenever he sees a pretty girl, with eyes full of his heart and says, ‘I would love her! I would marry her!’
Other times he just seems very lonely. He capacity well exceeds his ability to communicate with the world around him in traditional ways. He sleeps with rag dolls or barbies that he undresses. His sexuality and those of similarly disabled teens and adults is a source of hushed controversy among their parents and caretakers and romance is frankly and often discouraged.
It breaks my heart. I want nothing more for him to find love. I don’t know that he will ever be allowed to do so.
It is much later, and Beast may no longer be reading these comments, but if you are, Beast, I have a story for you. A man I know was horribly maimed in a life-changing accident when he was 18. His face is mostly reconstructed skin, as is one arm and much of his upper body. When we first met it was hard for me to look at him and not think OH OH OH, which were the only words I had for my sense of sorrow and the tiny revulsion and not wanting to feel the revulsion and all of that mixed together. But the next time we met – really, just by that second time – his scars and artificial skin disappeared for me, and he was just that charming and interesting man I’d met before. By the third time we met, I was completely charmed and, well, attracted to him. He’s happily married, with kids, and I don’t flirt with him any more than I flirt with my other happily-married-with-kids pals. But I don’t flirt with him any less, either. Be charming and interesting, Beast. Be the most charming and interesting. Don’t be beastly on the inside. Venture into the woods armed with your own strength and the beautiful story of yourself.
I have to wonder is Miss Sugar is right- I think she is. But have yo never, ever, in wherever you get you medical care, seen an interesting woman who perhaps has a limp of her own? Could not a person who has also been annealed by illness and pain be a person to love? I wonder that you seem to only turn towards the able bodied world.
I feel unattractive a lot of times. I get told I’m attractive but yet the men I’m attracted to do not pick me. I don’t want someone to grow on me, tried it before when it ended I realised I never loved him and hadn’t been fair to him. Kept him around for 2years because he was a good supportive friend and I needed companionship. He wasn’t my choice, he wasn’t perfect though. I believe he cheated and when I suspected him, I was extra extra mad because this man I had brought myself to tolerate and accept and give time and affection to had the nerve to look elsewhere, but could I blame him when sex was a chore for me… A lot of people including my ma thot him attractive, even my mum, an aunt actually told me that he was more attractive than I (not that anyone asked her) but I beg to differ. My point is: I want to be loved by someone I love or can love. It is a sad thing for someone to long for just anybody to love him or her. I don’t want to be loved by somebody or just anybody; I want to be loved by the one I love; the one who’s jokes I laugh at, the one I love having sex with, the one I look at and I’m proud to be with, the one I learn from without him intending to teach me, the one I would like to grow old with, the one I can talk to for hours without getting bored, the one I don’t want to change but love flaws n all, the one that makes me want to be a better person and conquer the world, the one I love to watch sleep, the one I want to make smile, the one I want to be proud of me and the one I wake up in the morning look at and smile. Such men; only two have given me a chance have never fully loved me back. The last one completely broke me and funny enough I got over him in two weeks only beacuse I have experience to tell me that that’s what life is and that if I waste time nursing a broken heart I would neglect my responsibilities and have even more sadness and regret. He put a dagger thru my heart by ending it with a text message, not even wanting to see me, calling me a good friend that is “kind, sweet, quirky and funny” but where was beautiful like I thot him to be. He couldn’t commit to me beacuse his heart remained with his girlfriend who he fled from close to making wedding plans; in his words: “You are a great friend. I am sorry that we didn’t work out the way it should have but the truth is that I didn’t commit cos I didn’t belong to anyone else but (name)”. How do I recover from that? Funny thing is I have recovered but I rarely fall in love and I have never really found someone I love to love me back just as I love him or even more. I don’t want anyone to grow on me, I don’t want to pity anyone and I don’t want someone just because they love me. I don’t want just anybody, I want somebody I love that loves me in return. I want the vicious cycle of people I don’t care for or even lead on in the slightest bit stalking me and people that bring into their world and seduce me into falling for them leaving me… I would prefer that they never even looked my way to begin with than to be so cruel as to court me and leave me. When I do not want a man I never bring him into my world. So it hurts for someone to take me into his and push me out just as abruptly or after 2yrs and to tag me a “good friend” only to return to an ex he left almost 3yrs behind. What advice is out there for those of us that don’t want just anybody but the ones we feel connected to to find this same feeling. Love is but a myth at this point and I will rather be alone that take just anybody. I do not believe there is a soul out there that someone else is not attracted to, but do u love them back is the real question or should we just subject ourselve to the pathetic existence of letting people grow on us and is it fair to the climbing plant that he or she is indeed someone that is settled for and will never be genuinely loved from deep within. I am not even mad at the guy that didn’t love me return for I do not wish to grow on him either… Is there a recipe to find a love that loves u in return?
Please forgive my typos as I am half asleep. I am usually more articulate but I am burdened by the puzzle… Why must I settle only for someone that loves me? Does it not matter that I love him in return. Why would I allow someone grow on me when I already know I can’t kiss them, their jokes don’t make me laugh and after the first few minutes into a conversation with them I feel drained? When I know they are candidates for the friend zone. From Sugar’s response and a lot of other posts and advice from people I feel like I am being told to take just anybody. Shouldn’t I as a beholder find the person physically attractive and menatlly stimulating (these have to go hand in hand for me, won’t have one without the other)?
Caramel and many others have written some things that have resonated with me. I don’t think we’re guaranteed to meet someone that it’ll work with.
Or that it will all work out.
I’ve spend plenty of time not being beautiful. It helps to accept that it’s not one of my strong suits. I have plenty of good qualities, and some have found me attractive. Not flattering myself has helped to be realistic.
Also, it helps to remember it’s how others feel about themselves when they’re around us. We can’t make them feel good, but if we care about others and have respect for ourselves another person can often develop respect for themselves, and what’s not to love about that.
I’ve found that what’s worked best for me is not to count on the relationships in my life for happiness. I am happy in a relationship and have been for 4 years. I’m also willing to do what it takes to keep growing as an individual, ask the hard questions of myself and my partner and accept that Happily-Ever-After is not my goal. A respectful fulfilling relationship is.
How did I find this? By being open to it, as with life’s other experiences. I was also open to being alone, as I am now.
Is it difficult being alone? Yes, especially since I also have no family to rely on. It’s challenging making friends because of a lifetime of habits and not always being sure of what’s appropriate, but I’m learning, and accepting, and growing.
Relationships are difficult and potentially fulfilling. I’ve been learning as much as possible about what is okay and not okay – and my bottom line is no inappropriate behavior from myself or others. If it happens, because no ones perfect, it’s important to address it.
I am attracted to my partner. I also did think of him as attractive though he didn’t himself. He always thought of me as attractive, but there wasn’t that chemistry right off the bat. We were friends and developed a connection that way, getting to know one another, while each of us had plenty of other things to deal with.
My biggest obstacle has been how I feel about myself.
I don’t know what to suggest to others, but only say what has worked for me, and if there’s something there that rings true, then so much the better.
My life is quite challenging with Health Problems and no job, no family.
And yet I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Plenty of time I’ve set a boundary in the relationship fully expecting it to be the end, and it’s only made it richer.
I don’t pretend to know how things will turn out.
It’s an adventure of respect, caring, challenges, heat, obstacles and plenty of my own stuff that gets mirrored back to me.
With a spiritual practice to guide me – though I think I may be quite terrible at that too – I have some balance in my life and perspective.
I wish us all fulfillment and love in various forms – whether not it turns out as we might have wished.
May we find ways to stay open, use wisdom and look after ourselves however things go, and continue to love the other people in our lives well even if we find “the One”.
Perhaps we can also make Peace with Ourselves since being alone is always part of the journey. We’ll go out of this existence alone. Perhaps we can find ways to give and connect with others all along the way ….
Great article and very moving!
Beyond any genetic or environmental ugliness you might be afflicted with, it’s ultimately what you exude as a person that will attract or repulse others.
“Ugly” people don’t need to be alone, if they find like-minded individuals they can share their gifts with someone else. If your parents could there’s no reasons why you couldn’t, after all.
Thank you again Sugar for this beautiful positive article!
Sugar: Beautiful, wonderful, pointed advice. Thank you for sharing the touching story of Ian. It is true that people very quickly think of someone they love as beautiful, no matter what they look like.
In trying to refute Sugar’s advice, one commenter actually reinforces it:
“And interestingly, that self-respecting and honest life caught someone’s eye despite my pervasive knowledge of my own ugliness and my belief that I was unlovable.â€
It *is* true that advice that recommends, “Just feel better about yourself, and everything else will fall into place†is flawed. It *is* true that you can’t have self-esteem unless there is something estimable about you. Become someone YOU admire and respect. Sugar didn’t say ‘believe yourself beautiful, and love will follow’, she said, ‘let the real and true you shine out, and people who are worthy of that will take notice.’
You can’t wait until you’re attracted to someone to practice this however. You have to let the YOU shine out upon the world at large – at the Starbucks, at work, in traffic, at the doctor’s office. If you engage in real interactions as much of the time as you possibly can, you might discover just how closed off and protected you’ve kept yourself. You can read the defeat and the excuses between the lines of the commenters who criticize this advice. You don’t have to make your life a non-stop comedy performance, but try to move through your life in a positive way, and leave a good wake behind you. Don’t radiate “No.â€
And the impatience of people, to think life is over and they should give up on love at age 40, 20, 25! I am 52, and only in the last 18 months have I finally found the relationship I always hoped for. In my past I have been married, dated, both locally and long distance, spent vast periods alone, and spent a large part of my marriage not alone but desperately lonely. It may be that you are single now, and wishing and longing for someone. It may be that someone just right for you won’t come along for years, but the interim doesn’t need to be a wasteland. Live. Make your life into something you love.
I was cripplingly shy as a child. I moved a lot, so I was able to hide behind the fact that I didn’t have friends because I was new, and everyone else was already established with groups and hierarchies before I got there. I had no chance to break in, I believed. Then I had a strange thought before one of those moves (9 or 10 in my 12 years of grade school). “I can be somebody else at the next place. I can be someone new.†I think I was in the 4th or 5th grade.
This isn’t a fairy tale – I didn’t miraculously find heaps of friends and popularity and true love, but I did stop moving through life as a victim. I stopped being the kid who gets picked on and teased and bullied. I did stop hiding. I did make *some* friends, and have more fun. Everyone, even beautiful people (and I’m decidedly not – not ugly, just ordinary) has things about themselves they consider flaws, that they think are painted on a huge billboard that hovers overhead. I gradually learned to stop being so focused on my own discomfort and awkward feelings. I learned that everyone else was also feels some level of both sometime in their lives. Everyone. We aren’t as unique as we like to imagine.
I had a friend who was also extremely shy, who knew I had wrestled with it, and begged for some kind of magical answer to the problem. He was so miserable and in a horrible place when he had to meet new people as part of his work. The best thing I could come up with from my own experience (and another commenter touched on this), was that shyness is a kind of self-centeredness, a certainty that you are the single human on the planet to ever deal with something so tragic and difficult. What I told him: Stop being selfish with the gift of yourself. Stop being so focused on yourself and your own obsession with how you’re doing/looking/talking that you don’t even SEE the other person. He often could not describe someone he’d just met, because he was so wrapped up in self criticism and his own performance.
Make the best attempt you can to really see the other person, put them at ease (for example, EVERYONE, even the hugely confident, is a bit nervous walking into a party or a crowd) and you will make a friend. The risk is, you will find the one person in the room more nervous than yourself, and will not be able to move on to the next person because they will hang on to you like the life raft you just became. Don’t settle in because you now feel safe as well – keep moving. Keep your head up, looking for the next *friend*.
Sugar’s advice wasn’t, ‘Put yourself out there and you’ll find love’, it was, ‘Put yourself out there, and you’ll be happier and more alive and more engaged in your own life, and that is always more attractive’. Fact is Beast, you aren’t ready for the love of your life, or even a passing love, to cross paths with you as you are now. Live your life with all the grace and decency and passion you can muster, with an open heart and mind. Every day is a risk – will I hide or will I live?
so very late to the party on this one, i know; but as it seems it hasn’t broken up quite yet, perhaps i can swing a drink or two before it does.
this column has incredible resonance for me. i am transgender, and i loathe the body i’m in. it is a trial and a torment to me every day of my life, and often i cannot bear even to look at myself in a full-length mirror. i could talk about things i’ve done, things i’ve gone through, but i will refrain, because i know they have the potential to trigger some people. suffice it to say that it has been unutterably painful, and left me wallowing in self-hatred for decades. i do plan to begin transition in the new year, and one of the questions almost every transperson who does so must deal with is, “who will love me? who could be attracted to me?” i am amongst the very lucky few who does not have to ask. i don’t, because i already know.
we met online early this year, by virtue of being in the same place at the same time and having both common interests and mutual wicked sense of humour, and we fell in love before either of us knew what hit us. she is the first person i ever came out to, and after a brief period of reflection (as in it took all of a couple of hours), she said it made no difference to her, that she loved and accepted me for who i was.
the thing is, she loved and accepted me long before i was able to do so myself. i’m not even to that point yet, to be honest; i won’t ever be able to be at home in my body until i am able to change it, and even then it will be an arduous process, because i am so unused to the idea that i could ever love or value this flesh. but my life has changed so much for the better since she first helped to heal me by seeing something in me which i, being too near it, could not. her acceptance helped me to be fully myself in a way i never felt free to be before, and my circle of acquaintance, support, and friendship has expanded exponentially since that time.
and her? she’s the most fabulous, beautiful creature on the planet. and even with all the hardship and trial i still have ahead of me, i consider myself the luckiest man in the world that she has seen fit to be my wife. we will be married this upcoming summer.
oh, and incidentally–her favourite fairy tale has always been Beauty & the Beast. go figure.
thank you for making me smile today, Sugar. you can be sure i’ll be reading your columns in a more timely fashion in the future.
As an ugly person terribly scarred by acne, I have to tell you, your answer is well intentioned, but false. Steve died because of that match and disfigurement. No woman would have him. Look, I haven’t closed my heart to love. I’ve looked, I’ve searched. I’ve dated, I’ve studied and read about how to socially behave, to be cool. Nothing. 28 year old virgin.
I know its hard for unugly people to understand this. I am not a social loser. I am enjoyed by my friends. But no one wants to take someone like me in a relationship. Unugly women never think their perfect man is going to be someone terribly scarred. Good quality woman, I’m talking personality, believe they can do better.
Your story of hope is nice, because it speaks of a person who wants other to feel better. I award you for that. However, we, the ugly, the disfigured, know that reality is not that fairy tale that people who don’t have real problems, espouse. Are you in a relationship with a disfigured person? Unless you are, those who have been around the ugly block for a while really don’t want to hear your words of encouragement. We don’t want lies to help us feel better.
Now, find me a story of disfigured people who have lived happy married lives, and I will give credit. Until then, don’t fool yourself. That match killed Steve, not him.
@Jason
I don’t know if you’ll read this, but my fiance has horrible acne that left some scars on his face, but he’s the best man I ever could be with. I know it’s been difficult for him, but most of his problems were in his head. He didn’t even try to go to a doctor for the acne until we’d been dating for a few years. I also noticed that you spoke of ‘unugly’ women, and then try to save it by claiming you are talking about personality. You have to be willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, just like you’re asking for. I get the feeling that if you really listen to Sugar’s advice, it would help you. You said that you’d listen if you heard a story of disfigured or ugly person who is happily married, well, we’ve been living together for 5 years and recently got engaged. Also, you obviously didn’t read the rest of the comments before you posted. When I first met him, he still had his acne/rosecea. Through medication it has subsided, though it still pops up every 6 months or so. He was so friendly and funny that it didn’t matter in the least.
It seems to me that the biggest problem is not finding a partner. I am ugly and fat too, and I have no shortage of offers, but the offers aren’t really sincere, and nor are they offers I would find attractive.
Our ‘love interests’ (an ironic term — there is actually neither love NOR interest) don’t want us; they settle for us when they don’t have any other choice. In turn, we learn that we can’t be with the ones we really love and we, too, have to settle. Instead of feeling passion or excitement, we are left trying to make something work, but we can’t. Anyone can be part of a couple; not everyone can be part of an enjoyable relationship. Some people might be better off alone.
I’m waaay late to the party but I just discovered this column yesterday and I’m addicted.
I’m pretty grossed out by the misogyny in this comments section. I found my fairytale prince (I think? I hope!) so I’m not coming from a place of bitterness here, but I’m just infuriated that it’s still acceptable in this day and age to make comments like this…
Gladiator Says: You can go to another country where Americans will always be seen as “higher-valueâ€
John M. Says: Seriously, visiting the 3rd World gives you some perspective. To a woman looking to improve her life (and the life of her family) appearance is at the bottom of the list of attributes.
-Great. Nothing says true love like taking advantage of desperate, poverty stricken women
The Anti-John/Contrarian Says: You’ve never been a male over 50 in Los Angeles, clearly. You can have all the ‘Game’ in the world and it doesn’t matter one iota when a woman’s likely reaction is “Is this dude old enough to be my Dad? Ewww.â€
-You know, there’s an easy solution to this. Hit on women your own age.
Ummagumma Says: I’m going to be sexist here, but women are attracted to men for different reasons than men are attracted to women.
-I’m so, so, sick of this old trope that won’t die- that men are “visual” and women aren’t. Bullshit. I like attractive men. I’m visual. The reason that many women “settle” for less attractive men is because we have been told throughout history, and are still told, that we have less social currency, that our desires don’t matter, that our only real value lies in our looks and youth and fertility, that WE are the sex objects and that HE is the one who gets to objectify.
That having been said, I have had some very fulfilling relationships with men who were not conventionally attractive. But please, please let this whole “women only care about personality!” thing die once and for all.
Lara Says: But that doesn’t mean the world is fair. Notice how many fairy tales/movies/stories there are about beautiful princes learning to love homely women? Especially overweight ones?
DING DING DING. Look guys, you’re never going to be able to truly love and receive love from a woman if you believe in your heart that women are second class citizens who are worth less than you.
Not sure if comments are still open, but as I was reading through them I was reminded of this.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
“Brene Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity.”
Thanks Beast, Sugar, and all the commenters. This has helped me in my struggles.
Here’s the problem: as an unattractive but intelligent guy, I guess I’ve had the good fortune to run into a handful of women who have been attracted to me. It’s always for my mind, though, not my body. And they haven’t been the most attractive women themselves. I don’t like admitting that but it’s true. But it wouldn’t be fair to have a physically attractive woman be interested in me, because I wouldn’t deserve her. I can’t handle the idea of being in a relationship with someone who’s willing to settle and to give up on her standards for physical appearance in a partner. I’m not willing to settle myself. I have to agree with Jillian: women are visual, they’ve just been told that they don’t have that right. Taking advantage of that social coercion to pressure a woman into partnering with someone unattractive is just a subtle form of rape.
If only people could always think like this, but not many people do. This was a very touching story, and Ian sounded like a beautiful soul. I am an extremely ugly woman. I get made fun of almost daily for it. I could live with not being pretty since there isn’t much I can do about it. I have a wonderful family, I have a nephew who I absolutely adore. I make really good money. I am a very independent woman, and everything I have in my life I have because I worked hard to achieve it. And yet I am not happy because people won’t leave me alone. I could even live with the fact that I probably won’t even be involved romatically. As long as I have friends and family, it’s fine. It sucks that I probably won’t ever experience sex, I am still a virgin but if I really wanted it I could try to do a one night stand at a bar. No, it’s the fact that people will try to humiliate me because my face isn’t pretty. I look more like a man than a woman. I look exactly like my dad but with long hair. I am fit though. I work out almost everyday. I also try to help people out as much as possible. I help my sister when she needs money. I do whatever I can to be a good person, and live a prooductive life. But no one can see that. No one cares about that. The only thing they can see is my face. I am 26 years old and I’ve never had a relationship because of my face. I’ve considered suicide but I can’t do it because my dad did it and I don’t want to put my mom through that. So I stay. My only hope is for when I am an old lady and we are all equal with our looks. People won’t make fun of me when I am old. I’m actually looking forward to being old. For now, I just hide in my apartment and only come out at night and for work. I plan to do this until I am old.
Came back here via similar discussion on Captain Awkward. Someone and Ashley, if you’re still reading, things will get better. It is awful to wait so long when you’re young, and terrible to be mocked for anything. Nonetheless you will find the right people.
People who love based on other things than appearance, and people who want to get to know someone although they look unusual, are likely to be the quietest. But they are definitely there. The older your peer group gets, the more confident and visible those people will become. It takes time for people to work out what they really like for themselves, and often what they really like bears no relation to the easy tropes of regular features and smooth skin that we grew up with.
This is one of those frustrating truths that you only know when you’ve come out the other side, and appears to be a convenient lie when you haven’t experienced it for yourself.
(And yes, women are visual, but they are also human, and varied; many women as well as many men find many different things attractive.)
I hope you will have lovely, enjoyable lives and I hope you will find the right people.
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