Ted Wilson Reviews the World #50

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing unconditional love.

Unconditional love is the best. It offers the recipient complete amnesty from whatever mistakes he or she might make, no matter how intentional. At least, in theory. In practice unconditional love will give the recipient a false sense of security and ultimately prove to be a lie.

In most cases, a profession of “I’ll love you forever” is an empty promise, blurted out because someone had too much to drink at the end of an emotional day. In other instances it may be implied by your partner’s lack of judgment when you reveal what would be considered by most to be dark and unnatural sexual predilections.

Even in the cases where the sentiment appears to be genuine, the truth will be revealed when your longtime girlfriend Debbie is noticeably absent from your manslaughter trial because she is “confused” and needs “time to sort things out” and will “drop you a line” after her vision quest.

My wife claimed to love me unconditionally, and I have no doubt she meant it. On our 25th anniversary she handed me a card that read, “I’ve loved you for 25 years, here’s to another 25 plus infinity.” But her love stopped the day God took her from me. I suspected it was a farce when I read the card because both my parents had made the same promise, only to break it when they took a wrong turn in a strange Detroit neighborhood.

Next time someone tells you they love you unconditionally, don’t fall for it even if they do. Be polite, smile and say thank you. The best you can hope for is someone who will love you for most of your life, which is still pretty good.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Fonzie.