PATTY-CAKE
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing patty-cake.
Patty-cake is a children’s game, where two opponents face one another, slapping their hands against the other’s while singing, “Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man. Bake me a cake as fast as you can. Pat it and prick it and mark it with B. Put it in the oven for baby and me.” There are more verses than that, but even these few lines raise a number of questions.
What does the “B” stand for? I suspect Beelzebub because who other than a worshipper of Satan would feed their baby a cake of all things? If the cake is not an offering to our Dark Overlord, then what type of celebration is it for? And why is the cake needed in such a hurry? These mysteries would never arise if the game were played silently.
Without the song, the true nature of this game is revealed. It’s two people hitting each other – a violent and dangerous game, especially in the hands of children who are notoriously weak. My mother told me about a girl who broke her wrist in an overzealous game of patty-cake. This may be untrue, as my mother was prone to delusions and had a loose understanding of medical terminology (that’s why she bought a casket for me after the doctor told her I had lice), but it’s a risk I’m unwilling to take.
The method of scoring or winning is completely unclear. I discovered this only after two hours of playing when I realized I had no idea how to stop. Fortunately my opponent had to leave, so I suppose I won by forfeiture. For all its faults, I will say the game is incredibly fun. Those two hours were two of the greatest of my life. I was on a constant high, not knowing what would come next. Since I live alone, I painted a pair of hands on my wall. Now I can play any time I want, and I always win.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Labor Day.
