Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #43

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The problem with the Guardian Angels is that they travel in packs, Doug. You can see ‘em coming from a mile away, so everyone stops doing their illegal shit before they can get caught. It’s a temporary solution. But if it’s just me on the subway, nobody will know that I’m, you know, a guy they shouldn’t fuck with. Criminals’ll be all, like, “Gimme your money” and then I’ll be all, like, “Oh, yeah? Well, looks like all I have in my wallet is five FINGERS TO YOUR FACE!” And boom, I just get him with a right slap or whatever and that’ll give me time to get out my bo staff in case there’s a bunch of ‘em. I’ll consider your silence as a “thank you” for making the streets safer for you, Douglas.

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Kyle Kinane has been performing in bars in cities in nations for ten years. He was called "bleak and misanthropic" by the London Evening Standard, which may or may not be a compliment. He is a comedian. More from this author →