Ted Wilson Reviews the World #55

HP CUSTOMER SERVICE
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing HP customer service.

This week I bought myself a scanning machine made by HP. These devices scan a picture and then put it in your computer. From there you can add dead people to the photo, print it back out and frame it. It’s like your wife never died. That was the plan, at least, but then I couldn’t figure out how to make the scanning machine work.

When I called HP, first I had to talk to a computer voice and answer several questions. I felt silly doing this, but eventually a woman named Stacy picked up. Her accent was as thick as it was unfamiliar, and I had to apologize several times for not being able to understand her. She must have been from the south or something. After about fifteen minutes of talking to her, she said she couldn’t help me with my problem but would transfer me to someone who could. I really respect Stacy for being able to admit when she doesn’t know something.

While on hold I got to listen to some really pretty music. It was nice and soft, as though Stacy had placed the phone next to a walkman while she looked for help, and although it was hard to make out over the static, I could tell it was a song I’d heard before. A friend of a friend writes music for the background of the Mexican soap opera Los Pantalones Amor de Abrazos Médico. This was that! The music gave me a sense of familiarity and made me feel at home. I liked the way these HP people were doing business.

After some beeps, more music, different beeps, and a series of scary sounding clicks (which Stacy had been kind enough to warn me of) Brett picked up the phone. He had an accent even thicker than Stacy’s. He asked me the same questions I’d been asked twice before, and this really filled me with confidence. I liked how they were taking the time to get the facts straight and double check my information. He said something I couldn’t understand and then let me listen to that music again. After a few minutes Brett came back, said something else, and sent me back to the music.

After about half an hour of listening to music I started to doze off. When I woke up I had been disconnected. I felt so bad for whoever answered to my embarrassing snoring sounds. Brett, if you’re reading this, you have my sincerest apologies. If it wasn’t for my bufoonery I’m sure HP customer service would have solved my problems as efficiently as possible. For now I’ll just have to draw my dead wife into photos by hand.

HP customer service loses one star because they aren’t even listed in the phone book. It took me three days to find their phone number.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.