On July 1, 2010, Entourage star and eco-friendly cleaning product Adrian “Charisma” Grenier told Us Magazine “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Him,” a Proustian exercise designed to give readers a greater insight into the minds and hearts of their favorite celebrities. In an unprecedented affront to his devoted fan-base, Grenier’s replies were highly edited before made public. Fortunately, intrepid journalist Rachel Shukert has managed to track down his original statements which we are reproducing here:
1. If I went back to college, I’d study linguistics, because it sounds like “cunning linguistics,” which makes women mistakenly think I’ll satisfy them sexually.
2. My house in Brooklyn is insulated with recycled denim, quinoa, and the foreclosed-upon personal possessions of the people who lived there before that shit got gentrified.
3. Contrary to popular belief, I was raised in Manhattan, not Brooklyn, or as I insist on calling it, Crooklyn.
4. I think women are prettiest with no makeup on, but I’m a sucker for red lipstick, especially Guerlain’s Kiss Me Exces de Rouge which has amazing staying power and works really well with an olive complexion like mine . . . wait . . .
5. I once “liberated” myself by smashing my cellphone — and I regretted it moments later, when I needed my agent’s phone number and seven stitches in my penis.
6. I want to start a revolution against media and use media to do it. I don’t know what that means either, but it will sound smart to guys who wear Che Guevara T-shirts, who my manager says are my main demographic.
7. I’m happiest playing drums with The Honey Brothers, which is NOT yet another celebrity vanity band like Russell Crowe’s, Keanu Reeves’s, Johnny Depp’s, and especially not Jared Leto’s.
8. I have directed or produced three documentaries in four years — if by documentaries you mean “sex tapes” and by four years, you mean “yesterday.”
9. I talk to my mom almost every day, although I have to hang up on her when she starts ranting about that “misogynist piece of shit infomerical for the world’s least interesting celebrities you’re still ‘starring’ in.”
10. I’m not a “germy.” Five-second rule, baby! In fact, I apply the five-second rule to every aspect of my life, if you know what I mean. Oh yeeah. Piven knows what I’m talking about.
11. I scuba-dive. I also do reading/writing, museums/art, theater/film, horseback riding, hiking, biking, fishing, mountain climbing, food/cooking, jogging, rappelling, spelunking, and every other imaginable hobby and/or interest that you can choose from an online dating site, ladies.
12. I’m godfather to a child who’s become an outstanding young woman and who I am very much looking forward to having sex with when she turns 18.
13. I wouldn’t mind running for political office — if only I could dispose of incriminating photos from my youth and learn how to speak more convincingly on camera.
14. My favorite movie is The Neverending Story because to say it was Drive Me Crazy just seems self-absorbed.
15. My friends keep me grounded. They’ve got their work cut out for them though, because I am super-wonderful and everybody knows it.
16. I believe in honesty above all, which is why I’d like to take this unprecedented opportunity to tell my co-stars exactly what I think of them. Turtle, you are never going to work again after this show ends; E, the show lost any semblance of conflict at precisely the time you started “writing” for it, and that little shamrock tattoo on your tiny little chest is the male equivalent of a tramp stamp; Drama, your portrayal of a high-functioning retarded man is the broadest interpretation of the mentally challenged since Rosie O’Donnell in Riding the Bus With My Sister; and Piven, everyone in the world knows the real reason you left Speed-the-Plow: because your simmering sexual tension with David Mamet could no longer be contained.
There! Now doesn’t that feel good?
17. I change my mind several times before returning to my original decision. For example, just yesterday I thought I wanted Mexican food. Then I thought, maybe Thai, then I thought Indian, then I thought, you know what sounds good? Tagine, and then I actually was driving to the burger place when I though, nah, Mexican. I’m going to have Mexican food. I am a fascinating human being.
18. I’m turned on by a woman who has a strong vocabulary and is not afraid to use it when she’s talking dirty to me.
19. In junior high, I wanted to be Jewish to fit in. But then I realized that makes it a lot harder to go on freebie luxury junkets in oil-rich Arab countries, and everyone outside of America pretty much hates you, so I got over it.
20. I worry my eco efforts have not done anything for my career compared to what Leonardo DiCaprio’s have done for his. Where is my recyclable Vanity Fair cover?
21. I make amazing rosemary and caramelized onion pizza, which is more than DiCaprio can say.
22. I think about golf much more than I should, as it distracts me from other things I should be thinking about, like my hair, my skin-care regime, the environment, pussy, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Did I mention that I am only awake three hours out of every day?
23. I wish I could gain wisdom without growing old. I wish I could grow old, without dying. I wish I could hold a sunrise in my hand and eat a rainbow with my mouth. I wish I could write a poem without fat lame unemployed Internet people making fun of me.
24. I feel blessed to be able to follow my creative impulses and to have a gifted legal and P.R. team in place to take care of them when I do.
25. I think you should go to teenagepaparazzo.com and participate in the discussion, which is a site I have never heard of that my publicist told me I had to plug. Go ahead. Do it now, or they might not run this interview.
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