WHOEVER WROTE “FUCK YOU” IN THE DIRT ON MY CAR
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing whoever wrote “fuck you” in the dirt on my car.
After releasing my pet turtle into a pond (because the pond would love him more than I did), I returned to my car to discover a message written in the dirt on the hood. “Fuck you,” it read, quite bluntly. My first thought was that my ex-pet turtle – whatever his name was – had somehow managed to write it. Although this was probably beyond his capabilities, it did seem like the kind of thing he would do.
It was about 3:30 a.m. and in a very isolated area. The only people I could imagine being around were either hobos or vampires, and my therapist says vampires don’t exist anymore. I can’t imagine a hobo having penmanship as fine as what I witnessed, so who was it?
I took a photo of the graffiti, printed it out at CVS, had my friend Marty at Sir Speedy scan the photo and email it to me, and then my cousin sent it to the internet. My hope was that by making it available for the whole world to see, somebody with information would come forward. All that happened was someone wrote the word “fail” on it and posted it to collegehumor.com.
The writing on my hood didn’t make me angry, just curious. Was the writer angry or requesting intercourse? Was the message directed at me or my car? Or was the message fortuitously intended for the kid who ran out in front of my car the next day, causing me to slam on the brakes? I was conveniently able to point to the message to express my displeasure without having to curse aloud.
I wondered if a time-traveling version of myself hadn’t written that message specifically for that jaywalker. That would make sense because whoever wrote it clearly had a purpose. It was a strong, confident message someone would write only if they meant it. Although if I was going to travel back in time, there are other things I would have done, like make sure my turtle had never been born.
The famous rapper Eminem seemed a good candidate, because that’s a phrase I’ve heard him use a lot, but I’ll probably never know the truth. Whoever it was is an enigma.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing pear-shaped men.
