FUNNY WOMEN #34: An Evolution of Dear John Letters

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My ten-year-old self:

Dear John,

Sorry but I can not be your girlfriend anymore because my Dad says that I am not supposed to date until I am 16.

Your friend (he said that we can still be friends),
Becky

***

My fourteen-year-old self:

Johnny,

U R a jerk.

Amber said U asked her 2 slow dance at Julie’s party but she said no cuz she knew I’d be mad and at first I didn’t believe her cuz I thought she was trying 2 make me jealous but then Ashley said it was true cuz she saw U when she was standing by the ghetto blaster cuz it was Boyz 2 Men which is her fav band then after when U walked by U gave her a weird look.

Don’t ever talk 2 me again.

Becky

ps. w/b (if U want)

***

My seventeen-year old self:

Dear John,

I’m sorry but I can’t go to prom with you. Johnny R. just asked me to go with him and I totally liked him first but since he was going out with that slut Stacey I didn’t think he liked me back but it turns out he really wasn’t going out with Stacey because when I asked him he was all like “No way, she’s a slut!” and I was like “But she said you were” and he was like “Yeah, well she’s a liar then” and I was like “I totally thought so!”

But we can still be friends if you want.

Your friend (if you want),
Becky

***

My twenty year-old-self:

Dear Johnathan,

Mexico is soooo amazing! The first night I was here I met some really cool girls my age (which was awesome because my parents were being totally lame) and we all went out and partied at the disco (I got sooo drunk!).

Turns out they work at the resort, and one of the girls said that the water aerobics instructor got with Montezuma’s Revenge or something and she had to go back to the states. I was telling them how much I love water aerobics (you know how much I love water aerobics!) and before I knew it they were talking to their manager and he offered me a job!!!

So anyway, the bad news is that I can’t see you anymore. But if you’re ever in Mexico, stop by the hotel bar and I’ll give you half-price drinks (as long as the “jefe” isn’t around).

Hope we can still be friends,
Becky

***

My twenty and a half year-old self:

Querido Juan,

Lo siento, pero no puedo estoy tu novia no mas. Yo voy a regressar a Estados Unidos.

Adios amigo,

Becky

***

My twenty four year-old self:

Dear Johnnie Walker,

There is so much about our time together that I am grateful for, but sadly, the time has come for us to part ways. I wish I could say we’ll still be friends, but it’s just too risky for me.

Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Good-bye forever,
Becky

***

My twenty-four year old self (again):

Dear Jan,

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I can’t see you anymore.

The truth is you were just a phase, but it wasn’t until I broke things off with Johnnie W. that I finally realized it.

Your friend (but that’s it),
Becky

***

My twenty-six-year-old self:

From: Rebecca Cardwell
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2006
To: Kurt Johnson
Subject: Re: Joke

Mr. Johnson,

I just thought I should let you know that if you don’t stop sending me these inappropriate (not to mention chauvinistic) so-called “jokes,” you will leave me with no choice but to forward your emails to Human Resources.

Respectfully yours,
Rebecca Cardwell

***

My thirty year-old self:

@John_77 I’m sorry, but I’m sure U saw it coming. #breakingup

***

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Rebecca Cardwell’s writing has appeared in McSweeney’s, The Big Jewel, Defenestration, On a Travel Junket, and Wanderlust and Lipstick Travel, among others. She currently lives in Vancouver, Canada, where she is hard at work on her first novel, provisionally titled The Laboriousness of Writing a First Novel. You can visit her at her blog, www.justmakingconvo.com. More from this author →