MY EX PET TURTLE
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my ex pet turtle.
If you’ve ever had a pet turtle, you know how difficult they are. Mine was no different.
To begin with, he would never come when called. This small act of disobedience made me second-guess if I even had his name right. And if I couldn’t be trusted to know my own pet’s name, what else might I be wrong about? My world descended into what my psychic calls a “doubt-spiral.” Soon I wasn’t certain anything I believed about myself was true. Was my name really Ted? Did I really like to eat waffles? Had my mom and dad really been members of the Amway and Weight Watchers, respectively? My world fell apart, all because of that damn turtle.
Not only was I possibly not what I believed, neither was the turtle. He turned out not to be a giant sea tortoise, even though I really thought he might be. Those turtles live forever, and all I wanted after my wife passed away was a pet who would outlive me.
He sure acted like he would live forever, though, with the speed he moved. Walks took forever with this guy. If we encountered another pet, my turtle would hide in his shell rather than interacting. I was so embarrassed. While all the dogs in the neighborhood were sniffing each other and running around like giddy little school children, I had to stand there with the most introverted child in the neighborhood on the end of a string. I tried painting his shell to look more like a dog, thinking maybe that would do the trick. The only trick it did was make a pretty woman point and laugh at me.
My nephew said my expectations were too high, (low expectations are why my nephew is still dating Debbie), but we’ve all seen the amazing things pets can do on those U-Tube videos. I saw one where a turtle walked on his hind legs. My turtle could have done that if he wanted, but he’d rather sit around and ignore me.
After three days of turtle-owning I had had enough. Even though I was really angry at my turtle, I would never hurt one of God’s creatures, no matter how much it seemed like I should. So I released him into a pond, secretly hoping he’d forgotten how to swim.
If you see a turtle that look like a dog swimming around, don’t bother with him. He’s a jerk. I’ll give him one star because the woman who laughed at me accidentally flashed me when she bent over to pet my turtle.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing glue traps.
