LOOKING GOOD
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing looking good.
Even though I have a four-star body, I never allow myself to be complacent. I’m always looking for ways to improve myself and take things to the next level, so I decided to get a new wardrobe. Last year I wrote about fashion trends and how many of them will, in the future, look foolish. So when I set out to buy a new wardrobe, I opted for clothing that is sure to stand the test of time.
Although it took a while to figure out how to get it on (you step into it), I settled on Pleasure Principle’s Cotton Long Sleeve Drape Neck T-Shirt. A steal at only $220. (You get what you pay for.) Then I snatched up their Transparent Alpaca and Silk T-shirt. When I saw what it looked like on me, I didn’t care that it was $530.
At this point I was out of money. There would be no new haircut, fancy jeans or growth hormones for me, but there are other ways to look good that don’t cost anything. For instance, try standing near ugly people. The contrast can really improve your appearance. If there are no ugly people nearby, try a dog or old car. Maybe a puddle of mud. Whatever you look like, there’s probably something less appealing in the vicinity.
Looking good can have its drawbacks, too. Mainly it intimidates people. When I started parading around the food court at the mall in my new chest-revealing shirt, everyone stared in awe. Ladies and guys alike. When I asked a passerby for the time, she couldn’t bear to look at me. My good looks ostracized me and I felt both loneliness and pity, but at the same time, handsome. Really handsome.
Looking good can create a complex array of emotions, but ultimately it’s worth it. Unfortunately I can’t afford to look good and buy groceries, so if anyone reading this has $750, I’ve got two of the most amazing shirts mankind has produced. Shipping is free!
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Saltines.
