GLUE TRAPS
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing glue traps.
Glue traps were invented in the 20th century by a sociopath as a way to ruin the lives of mice. The traps are small, cardboard boxes which attract a mouse, inviting it to walk inside. Once there, the mouse finds itself glued in place, unable to do anything other than scream for help. No help arrives.
After this, the mouse is no good for anything, unless you want a pet with missing fur/skin/limbs/zest for life. The mouse must then be disposed of, which means placing its screaming, contorted body into the garbage, where it will continue to scream, unless you crushed it beforehand. All in all, it’s a pretty fool-proof method for temporarily ridding your home of some mice.
What the inventor didn’t realize, however, is that it’s really easy to get other things, such as fingers, hair, mail, wristwatches, or cell phones stuck to these glue traps. Another popular item which sticks to these traps is cat feet. The screaming mouse can attract a cat, leaving the cat with a screaming cardboard box shoe. It’s terribly cute, but cats don’t seem to like it.
However, even flawed inventions can be the inspiration for other, better inventions. If it weren’t for the wheel, we would never have had tanks or the Segway (or possibly a yet-to-be-invented Tankway).
I consider myself a bit of an inventor, and glue traps inspired in me a new idea: human-sized glue traps designed to catch bandits and miscreants. I call them Body Snares. Picture an enormous box with an open door. Inside sits a pile of riches. In walks a thief, only to discover he or she has been trapped by their greed and a really sticky floor. The box, on wheels, is then towed directly to the nearest police station. Case closed.
Thanks, glue traps!
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing tuberculosis.
12 responses
Sorry, can’t laugh at this. Too gruesome.
I had a friend who came home one night to hear the tiny sound of screaming from behind her refrigerator. Contorting her body to peek her head behind it, her long hair inadvertently got stuck to the glue trap, along, of course, with the stranded mouse. She then spent some time screaming hysterically and running up and down her apartment hallway. I believe several people peeked out and then hastily closed their doors to her. Therefore, I give glue traps four stars just for comic value.
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for your comment. I completely agree with you. The first time I found a mouse stuck in a trap, I tried laughing to hide my pain, and to drown out the sound of the mouse screams. It only worked for the latter, and I laughed for a good 10-15 minutes.
Your Friend,
Ted
Dear Larry,
Almost the exact same thing happened to me the time I had a weave.
Your Friend,
Ted
This is darn funny. Thanks!
This is insightful and true. I would request that you review cargo shorts. (please note I said shorts…not the pants.)
Due to a small mouse infestation in my garage and my overly curious dog, I have had my own terrible experience with glue traps. I love my dog but she is sometimes frightfully stupid, and got her nose caught in the glue while trying to make friends with a trapped mouse. A dramatic chase all over the yard ensued while she tried to shake off the trap. My only consolation is at least the mouse didn’t have to wait days to starve to death in the trap; the poor thing probably died of fright the moment it saw an incredibly eager dog nose coming right for it.
You can actually get mice (hair or anything else stuck in them) unstuck with just a little bit of olive or vegetable oil. Of course then you’re stuck with a really oily mouse (it’s better to release the poor thing away from the house), but better greasy then screaming or missing hair/limbs, right?
I caught a mouse in a glue trap once. My (then) wife woke me up in the middle of the night all teary because it was caught and was squeaking and panicking and she wanted me to deal with it. I didn’t want it to starve, didn’t have the guts to crush it, didn’t know how to get it off the glue, so I filled the kitchen sink and drowned it. It let out a stream of bubbles, then thrashed and stretched and thrashed and stretched, no bubbles, and then it was still. And a minute later, one last tiny bubble.
It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
It sounds like a lot of people have suffered their own traumas associated with glue traps. I guess the lesson we’ve all learned here is that Martin is to blame. He should have chimed in years ago with his comment about oiling up mice. It’s because of him that so many mice have died.
Thanks, Martin. Thanks a lot.
One thing I’ll say in defense of glue traps is that – prior to catching a mouse – I hadn’t known that tiny little mice made any sound at all, especially given the oft-repeated (but false) aphorism “Quiet as a mouse.” Now, having heard them squeak, squeal, and scream, I understand them so much better. Thanks to glue traps for giving mice a voice.
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