Ted Wilson reviews the World #64

SUPERMAN
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Superman.

Almost everybody likes Superman, but personally I don’t. First of all, he’s not one of us. He’s literally an alien and only pretends to be one of us. He even wears glasses to look more human, but his eye sight is fine! What’s he got to hide, anyway?

I like everyone and hope we all go to Heaven, but Superman takes things too far. Rather than helping those who deserve it most, he helps everyone equally. He would just as soon save a rapist from being hit by a train as he would a newborn baby. Maybe in his alien world that would fly, but not here. I know that even rapists and murderers can still be nice people and fun to hang out with, but if they want Superman’s help, they shouldn’t do things like rape and murder and do drugs. Superman has a chance to really teach the lower rung of society a lesson, but he squanders this opportunity.

The only people who deserve to benefit from Superman’s abilities are those who contribute to society in a meaningful way. And of course Lois Lane. Superman kind of owes her because she puts out.

Then there’s Superman’s dog. I guess his name must be Superdog. I don’t like how it acts like a person, prancing around wearing a human cape, but it is just a dog after all, so maybe it only does what it’s trained to do. But maybe not, because it’s a superdog.

Then there’s Supergirl, Superboy and a whole slew of Superman’s friends that came to our planet because they followed Superman. I feel bad that their planet exploded, but they could just use our moon until we need it. Then maybe they could have Pluto or something far away. No one asked them all to come here and save our pedophiles, murderers and welfare recipients from trains and bank robbers.

I do have to say I like Superman’s hair. There’s nothing more appealing than a thick, full head of hair.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing oatmeal.